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Once upon a time I wrote plays, but then the theater died, and I stopped bothering with all that. Then in a Colorado hotel room, Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with a groupie named Kate Faber, and our lives would never be the same.
The local police brought Bryant in for an interview, and that’s when the magic began.
The transcript is amazing.
When you’re accused of such a serious crime, sometimes you forget everything.
Detective Winters: Did you finish?
Detective Loya: Well, there’s always pre-ejaculation, are you aware of that?
Bryant: Are you kidding me?
Detective Loya: I’m not kidding you, it’s, they teach you that in 7th grade sex ed.
Bryant: We stopped cold.
Then the conversation moves to Bryant’s favorite sexual act.
Detective Winters: Did you ever make the allegation that you like Vail Colorado when you were having sex with her?
Detective Loya: Did you ever ask if you wanted, if you could cum in her face?
Bryant: Yes. That’s when she said no. That’s when she said no. That’s when she said no.
Usually repeating something three times doesn’t scream credibility, but hey, this is Kobe Bryant, after all.
Detective Loya: So you like to cum on your partner’s face?
Bryant: That’s my thing, not always, I mean, so I stopped. Jesus Christ man.
That’s a David Brent level slip up there, Kobe.
Here’s the woman he was cheating on:
Kobe’s understanding of consent is a little lacking…
Detective Loya: When did she make the comment she wanted to sleep with you?
Bryant: When we were having sex.
Then he drops this salient fact.
Bryant: I jerked off when she left.
There’s no need to glorify the incident there Detective.
Detective Loya: Even though you said it’s pretty, you’re pretty big, you said it was very easy to penetrate her.
Then comes the interchange that puzzles even the most hardened observer.
Bryant: I was just doing regular things, all of sudden man she lifted up her skirt (inaudible) …and then from behind and then you know she grabbed (inaudible)
Detective Loya: With her vagina?
Detective Loya: Okay.
Bryant: And she (inaudible) from behind my butt.
Detective Winters: Your penis?
Bryant: Yes. (inaudible) In my opinion, in my opinion (inaudible) my pants (inaudible).
Detective Loya: So she went in your pants.
Detective Winters: How did she do that if you’re from behind?
Bryant: No, that’s when she started having sex with me, we stood up right here and started having the you know, the foreplay happened right here.
It’s like frickin’ Mad Libs.
We are now in the right click and save as clear. No more YouSendIt, hopefully.
If you’re new here, don’t forget to peruse the archives. It’s a veritable cornucopia of something.
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