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When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie That’s The Internets
by Alex Carnevale
We are late to what oldtimers are terming the Julia Allison experience. Some people call her a representative of the Naked Generation, we just love couples that post their break-up e-mails online. I would post all of mine were it socially acceptable.
From: Julia Allison
Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2007 6:50 pm
To: [Jakob Lodwick]
Subject: Re: To reiterate, in word form
You’ll probably see this, but I’ll just point it out.
I’m upset with you because I feel like you’re putting me in a position where I have to – for my own self-respect – stop seeing you.
And that would be really sad.
I didn’t actually get pissed today until I checked your blog around 4:30 to see whether you were using that camera thing, and I noticed that you had managed to update it, but not send me a text regarding our plans. It was just so unbelievably inconsiderate and selfish.
And then to claim that our plans weren’t definite? No way.
I get the sense that you think I’m here when it’s convenient for you and when your (definitely moody) mood suits. That’s bullshit, and you know it.
I also get the sense that the women you’ve dated before put up with this. I won’t.
This is so stagey and awesome, you go Julia!
She continues the break-up letter.
Honestly, I just want to have an amazing time with you, think great thoughts, reach some new creative heights together, maybe, who knows – have SEX eventually, for chrissake.
I had a lot of incredible ideas I wanted to talk to you about tonight – ideas about YOUR COMPANY!!
She should just write him a check, if a girl did that for me, I’d probably let her keep orange juice in my refrigerator.
I just feel like you let me down. I’m really disappointed, not only because it would have been a really fun night, but also because I don’t particularly enjoy feeling like someone I care about doesn’t give a shit about me.
Whoa, disappointment, that’s like the third worst emotion you want your hot internet gf to feel. Julia gets a navel piercing:
And what will happen here if this continues is that I’ll decide that I dislike this feeling so much that I’ll do anything I can to get away from it. And the result will be me getting away from you.
That is NOT a threat – because I don’t want it to happen!! I want to continue to see you. I think we have a lot of things we can teach each other. But I need some basic respect first.
As much as I love Julia, that’s retarded. You’re dating a dude who started a YouTube clone, he clearly has no respect for himself, and you want him to have respect for you, an internet meme?
Julia and her boyfriend argue.
She wrote about rules for dealing with her dad.
Julia on a horse. Would you like to know more?
He wrote back:
From: [Jakob Lodwick]
Date: Mon, 17 Sep 2007 08:03 am
To: Julia Allison
Subject: Re: To reiterate, in word form
You deserve more respect than I’ve been treating you with. I think you pretty much nail it in this email. I tend to walk all over girls I date, in the sense that they aren’t as high a priority as they ought to be. You are not an exception, and I will only grow more selfish (inconsiderate) in the future. For example, this week will be worse than last week.
I am not capable of giving you what you deserve in a relationship, even an “alternative” relationship, so, we should stop seeing each other. I think you are awesome, but I think it’s impossible to be together.
And so there it is, the demise of a budding relationship. All over … what, exactly?
I think it’s too bad. But you know what the weirdest thing is? I also feel a little … relieved? Can you be simultaneously disappointed and relieved at the same time? Maybe I’ll feel differently in the morning.
The couple reunited. She wrote about her experience being not really that famous here:
If there were no evolutionary benefit to fame, no one would chase it – or certainly not as doggedly as they do now. To be well-known gives many people (perhaps most people?) pleasure, and generally things that give us pleasure have their roots in something that at one point helped us. There could be no other reason for the proliferation and (exponentially accelerating) mass obsession with fame.
Ultimately, I think it has something to do with the fact that people will DO things for you if you’re famous or well-known. It’s a type of power. So let’s say, back in the day, you were famous amongst your little tribe, well, people would be more likely to bring you back nuts & berries & shit. They’d be more likely to give you the better cave, the better cave women, the better spot in the hunting pack, whatever (I hate these stupid “back in the cave days” examples, but still, I can’t think of anything better). Thus, fame was a type of currency very early on.
We think we are probably in love with you, we are much smarter than your current boyfriend, we are better looking than your current boyfriend, and our blog has many more references proving that we’re smarter than other people than your current boyfriend’s does. I think the case is clear.
Julia’s Flickr. Just tremendous.
When you subscribe to Julia’s listserv, she sends you this note:
Congratulations! You’ve just been subscribed to Julia Allison’s bi-monthly email list serv. This is probably because you sent Julia an email, gave her your business card, or made eye contact with her on the street. Big mistake! Now you’re stuck getting a questionably funny email every other week, mainly containing her dating columns from AM New York (a newspaper you no doubt have either A) never heard of, or B) read on the subway because there is literally NOTHING ELSE TO DO), or occasionally an appallingly alliterative article she wrote for Cosmo, or even, if you’re lucky, one of her columns for COED magazine, like The College Student’s Guide to Booty Calls. Okay, not the last one … but everything else. I know, I know – AWESOME, right??
Oh, no? You don’t think it’s “awesome”? You hate the word “awesome”? Unsubscribe here before Julia’s emails torture you or your inbox any further. Although she might retaliate by introducing you to her friend in Nigeria – you know, the one who needs your help depositing a large sum of money into your bank account. Those Nigerians are so generous! ;)
Jokes about spam? Huh. Julia, we could be teaching you why that’s not actually that funny. We know we can learn from each other. We want your advice about OUR COMPANY!!!
Anyway, we have already moved on, and now we intend to make a new man famous. That would be Good magazine editor Zach Frechette. This young hunk is the male Julia Allison, at least he will be by the time we’re done with him.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
The next media icon.
Next month, Spritualized (greatest band in the world) comes to the Apollo Theatre one night only. Jason Pierce brings an orchestra along for shits and giggles. Ethan Lipton, for his part, also has an Orchestra, but the band name is more along bracingly ironic lines. Fortunately, Ethan is a talented lyricist with a Tom Waits-meets-Jon Brion type vocal ability and a nice nose for the unexpected. He is also funny.
“If Devils Can Slow Dance” — Ethan Lipton + his Orchestra (mp3)
“The Flora and the Fauna” — Ethan Lipton + his Orchestra (mp3)
“In My Car Again” — Ethan Lipton + his Orchestra (mp3)
Ethan Lipton myspace
Ethan Lipton website
Ethan on NPR
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Reasons that we lie.
Arthur Miller’s skeletons.
Andy’s entry in Adolescence was amazing.
The show of a moment that passed.
This poem touched our heartz.
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