In Which We Try To Reason With A Homophobe

AHHHHH MAHHHH GAWWWW BOOOOOYS!

by Molly Lambert

Indie Rock and Comedy go together like Pinkabet and Bagoog Monamon. First Superchunk drummer Jon Wurster teamed up with Monk creator Tom Scharpling to create longform call-in improv brilliance on The Best Show on WFMU (more on them later this week). On the last broadcast Deadhead Bryce called in to say he now has a son named The Phil Zone.

I had the (misguided) idea to tell my homophobic (closetcase) cousin Marly about this new group Thunder Ant when I was talking to her on IM the other day.

Sleater-Kinney: (l-r) Corin, Janet, Carrie

MOLLY: Carrie Brownstein is making comedy videos online!

MARLY: Who tha F is that?

MOLLY: Duh, from Sleater-Kinney.

MARLY: Plz, like I care about those dykes.

MOLLY: Actually, Carrie’s the only one who is gay. Janet Weiss was married to Sam Coomes and they divorced and formed a two-piece (Quasi) way before The White Stripes and now she drums as a Jick for Steve Malkmus. And Corin Tucker is married to Lance Bangs, who I was totally just talking about yesterday!

MARLY: I don’t like bands with chick singers.

Fred Armisen with the lovely Jenna Fischer

MOLLY: Aren’t you a singer-songwriter?!!

MARLY: It’s different. My artistic peers and idols are all men.

MOLLY: Sleater Kinney own you.

MARLY: The only female musician I like is myself. I’m not into lezbos like Patti Smith and Joni Mitchell.

MOLLY: They are both straight!

“Yeah I like em’ about yaaaaaaaaaaaay big. Why, is that big?”

MARLY: Whateverz.

MOLLY: Whatever yourself. Yeah so Carrie Brownstein’s making vidz with Fred Armisen as Thunder Ant.

MARLY: You think I know who that is?

MOLLY: Yeah he’s on SNL and he’s a sweet drummer.

MARLY: Wht r his characters?

Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph as Nuni and Nooni Schoener

MOLLY: Ferecito, Prince, Nuni Schoener.

MARLY: Oh is he Mango?

MOLLY: No.

MARLY: So some guy I’ve never heard of and the dyke from Bikini Kill are doing comedy?

Kathleen Hanna pats her weave

MOLLY: No no, Sleater-Kinney.

MARLY: Wvr

MOLLY: Kathleen Hanna isn’t gay, she’s married to Ad-Rock.

MARLY: I don’t kno why u tell me this stuff like I care.

Never been dumped cause I’m the most mackinest!

MOLLY: What kind of music do you even listen to?

MARLY: Brad Paisley and Michael Buble.

MOLLY: Gross!

MARLY: wv4 theyr HAWWWWT!

“You are the master of Bag End now. And also, I fancy, you’ll find a golden ring.”

I am pretty much convinced Marly is a super closeted lesbian. You know how you can just tell sometimes from talking to a person? Also she sounds really forced and weird whenever she talks about guys and sex. But I guess she comes from a stern and repressive Irish-Catholic family. It’s actually pretty sad.

You know who else is totally a closeted lesbian? Lynne Cheney.

Her vagine hang like sleeve of wizard.

Have you read her pioneer women Sapphic slash novel Sisters? Let us quote you some sensual passages while we talk about music blogs for a hot minute.

Music Bloggers hyping up brand new bands must be stopped, an Idolator Real Talk Special Report.

Also, what is the sound of white funk? The Red Hot Chili Peppers? What I got I got to get it put it in you!

The Annuals (Raleigh N.C.) Vs. The Bloggiverse (via Oxford American)

The Black Kids Vs. Sexy Internet Buzz.

Pretty Goes With Pretty rages against the Hype Machine, in Four Parts. Hype Machine is still a great music bloggregator.

My homophobic cousin Marly “Marlo” Guthrie (she performs as Marlo because there’s a Danish House Music Superstar named Marly) played over the weekend at the Anti-Anarchist Bookstore in downtown Bridgeport. She sent me a pic and a copy of her setlist:

1. Lesbians Are Faggots
2. Munch Munch Munch (Your Way To Hell)
3. At Seventeen (Janis Ian cover)
4. Ellen Degenerates
5. Lesbian Bed Death Is What Happens When I Murder You

Molly Lambert is Senior Editor of This Recording.

Write Me Back Fucker – Sleater Kinney: mp3

More Than A Feeling – Sleater Kinney: mp3

Suck My Left One – Bikini Kill: mp3

White Boy – Bikini Kill: mp3

Rebel Girl – Bikini Kill: mp3

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

A Twin Fetish film I directed in college and the accompanying adolescence post by Jamie Galen.

Alex is smitten with Julia Allison and Annie Lennox.

And I adore Loudon Wainwright III and Kat Dennings but have no love for Jude Law, Josh Hartnett or Hugh Grant.

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13 thoughts on “In Which We Try To Reason With A Homophobe

  1. If the Thunder Ant pairing weren’t enough, word is that Fred and Carrie are also dating. Apparently coolness transcends gender.

    Also, Molly, what’s up with not replying to fan mail?

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