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Chamoy Of Strange
by Tess Lynch
This dog, they say, is not even the world’s ugliest dog. Perhaps because of the pearls.
“All Nite Diner” — Modest Mouse (mp3)
“Shy Kind of Guy” — Gogol Bordello (mp3)
The world’s ugliest dog. Naked yoga, with boners. Bill Maher’s hypocritical monopoly on free speech. Fizzy milk. These things, these most confusing phenomena, are man’s most complex achievements: they occupy their own realm of that which is neither appealing nor repulsive enough to be featured in the Faces of Death series. These are the objects which give inspiration to our worst nightmares: way scarier than the dude with the hook-hand on the roof of your car is the very real trip to Mexico you took, where your brain was eaten by worms contained in a “pork” taco. I am obsessed with these real and really scary things. They all make me feel like I’ve just watched Pink Flamingos, with varying degrees of how much I want to scour my brain with steel wool. I bring them to you, Halloweenies; let’s play Oddball.
“Huddle Formation” — The Go! Team (mp3)
“Road to Nowhere” — Talking Heads (mp3)
Thriller, re-invented.
Chamoy of Fruit, with vegetable salty.
Adventures In Candy – always a good place to start for spookiness. Bad Candy can give you lots of ideas of exactly how to punish greedy trick-or-treaters, or yourself. Be sure to check out Indy Dedos; candy resembling a tongue is a sure winner, every time.
Brain-eating worms gratis.
Creepiest Illnesses – fatal insomnia, walking corpse and blue-skin disorders, morgellons (molly’s favorite), and, of course, brain-eating worms (from tacos).
HELLO NEWMAN
Scary Insects – I love bugs, but these bugs scare even me: the bat-eating centipede, the insect-insanity-causing cordyceps fungus, the NYC-popular giant water-bug.
Uri Geller, a man whose picture, when taped to the fridge, can keep you on a diet (I read this somewhere, I swear).
Nutcases — Cannibals Anonymous, people who voted for Ralph Nader, jar fetishists, electric humans.
Try these gingers on for size.
Now, to wash all the craziness and bad candy out of your mouth, links in 3 parts to the Halloween episode of Pete and Pete:
Tess Lynch is afraid of: olives, ladders, birds, bleu cheese sneaking into things that would otherwise taste great, killing pedestrians (by accident), being made to drink tequila shots, surgery, the desert, inbred families who run gas stations in rural towns, being chastised in public, electronica and having long conversations with other people’s conservative grandparents.
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Molly (and Brotha Ben) Mix On Your Grave
Alex on Neko Case, even though I think the New Pornographers sound like cats trapped in a tin can
Geoduck on sporty-sportz.
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Halloweenie! Pete and Pete! Morgellons. No wonder I love you so.
Comment by anymajordude October 30, 2007 @ 7:22 amdon’t forget to watch the subtitled version of that indian thriller..it’s on you tube…it’s real, you can’t make those lyrics up
Comment by bert October 30, 2007 @ 6:23 pm[...] goal is not always to inform you about death, the disappointments of reality television, and ugly dogs eating disgusting candy; no, sometimes I am a blithe fairy of good wishes and glee. This is one of those times. I present [...]
Pingback by In Which We Spoonfeed You Sunshine « This Recording November 30, 2007 @ 11:24 am[...] a very Catholic Irish grandmother, one of the Lynches. She is the root of the family, although my immediate family were failed Irish Catholics. So I had [...]
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