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GUHL POWAH ALL U BETCHES!
by Molly Lambert
In honor of the Spice Girls reunion, We’d like to officially declare 2008 the start of New Millenial Girl Power! Part of the way we are trying to manifest this is by promoting Ladies We Admire, both living and dead. Today we start with the non-deceased:
Emily Gould is the Greatest New York Blogger of Our Generation. She is the sort of keen-eyed observer of the upper class that bloviating teensy-dicked douchelords like Tom Wolfe, Jay McInerney, and Graydon Carter think they are. We would actually use the word “sparkling” to describe her prose. Plus she has the same initials and last name as our favorite actor Elliott Gould!
Emily Blunt with supermoron Gisele
We’d pit Emily Mortimer against Emily Blunt in the race to play Emily Gould in the film adaptation of the memoirs she will someday write. Maybe they could trade off the role Norma Jean & Marilyn style with Emily Blunt playing Emily Gould’s hot cool & vicious Blogging Persona while Mortimer portrays the sweet and winsome Real Girl. Ryan Gosling will play the love interest, a rival blogger at a Danish social networking site. They hate each other online, but fall in love IRL before they figure it out! Twenty six mil opening weekend, easy.
Emily Mortimer (great on 30 Rock)
I wanted to just republish a sample of her observational essay on the n+1 release party, and let it speak for itself. If you can’t agree that she’s the Nu Gay Talese, you are ghey (and have an even teensier ween than Graydon).
“n+1 editor Keith Gessen held court behind a makeshift bar strewn with beer bottles and pizza boxes, tufts of black chest hair peeking from the unbuttoned collar of his American Apparel polo, making sure the undergraduate-looking girls got as many beers as they needed. He was also quick to point guests to the box of copies of “What We Should Have Known,” which is being distributed free to college freshmen and 18-year-olds with proof of ID.
In this pamplet, Keith himself expresses regret that he ever attended college, a sentiment later echoed by Siddharta Deb, Rebecca Curtis, and Ben Kunkel. Ben also dismissively calls college “summer camp.” These people’s other regrets include having read Paul de Man before Wordsworth and Deleuze before Proust and having read Frederic Jameson instead of Perry Anderson. The pamphlet is 126 pages long. However, it only takes 5 minutes and 52 seconds to listen to the song “Common People” by Pulp in its entirety. (ed. note: HA!)
“So you’re the bartender?” I asked Keith. I wanted a beer. “So you’re a yoga teacher?” he countered. This neg immediately attracted me to Keith. Mystery knows what he’s talking about with that shit. For a moment, I was charmed by Keith’s big, wide-eyed face, his lips perpetually curled in a smirk of what is either amusement or disdain. But then he tried to explain to me why “Indecision,” his pal Kunkel’s debut novel, is a good book—apparently, I had missed the point and failed to see that Ben was satirizing 28-year-old navel-gazing boys who’ve read too much literary theory. It is always so helpful when friends of authors whose books you didn’t like explain why said books are good!
Who is that pale woman who keeps giving me the hairy eyeball? I wondered aloud to a friend. It turned out to be Carla Blumenkranz, the n+1 editorial assistant who’s best known for her in-depth takedown of American Book Publishing, based on her experience as an intern at Plume. At that commercial publisher, she discovered a stunning truth: Editors try to find marketable authors, because they would like to publish books that people will actually purchase! For shame. She has just completed an essay about this website for n+1′s next issue, so I suppose it isn’t surprising that she didn’t want to talk to me. Sometimes it’s so much easier to perceive things from a distance.”
Sparkling! The exhumed Truman Capote would have a total gay man’s boner for Emily Gould, as we do. Women make the best journalists, as well as the best film critics (Pauline Kael y’all!). Hollywood reporting genius Nikki Finke credits her ability to talk to Jewish boys, since in their hearts they must respect a Jewess. Bethany McLean is a total hero for breaking the Enron scandal. The shmohawks at the top were convinced that nobody would take a young woman’s word over theirs, even one who wrote for Fortune.
Blunt and Buble
I hate Michael Buble, even though I think his last name is really hilarious to say. In my head it sounds like when Will Ferrell’s impression of Robert Goulet (bless his heart and lungs).
GOOOOOOOOOULET Rest in Peace homie.
Women also cook better food and get less notice.
Men care way more than Women about childlessness. Maybe because they are narcissists obsessed with reproducing themselves, as insinuated by LD? Or because even smart women like Helen Mirren are grossed out by the idea of crowning?
Larry McMurtry reviews his friend Diane Keaton’s photography for the NYRB, barely conceals his huge sublimated crushboner for her, slays the clown inside.
Job Alert Guyz! Heidi Fleiss’s Stud Farm Now Taking Manwhore Applications!!!
The pictures that run with Crap Emails From Dudes are exquisite.
That Girl (Trackademics Remix) – Pharrell ft. Snoop & Charlie Wilson: mp3
Mixed Up Shook Up Girl – Mink Deville: mp3
You’re A Big Girl Now – Bob Dylan: mp3
Big Girl – Ghostface Killah: mp3
Little Girl In Bloom – Thin Lizzy: mp3
She’s A Girl – The Amps: mp3
First Girl I Loved – The Incredible String Band: mp3
Girl – T. Rex: mp3
Molly Lambert is Senior Editor of This Recording. She’s hoping to get Bill Murray to play her in the film version of her own life.
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Alex wishes that he could take it when you turn on him.
Alex pissed off someone who went to Deerfield.
Hope in this transitional month.
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