In Which You Made Our Whole Deployment

The Scarlett Future

by Alex Carnevale

I have said in this space many times that celebrity couples are the way a decadent society expresses themselves. So too in the case of the walking thesis against the existence of white people, the coupling of Scarlett and Ryan Reynolds.

we will avoid attention dressed like this

In the case of ScarJo, something completely different has happened. While her mostly physical relationship with Reynolds surely represents all male desire to dump their brunette girlfriends for stupider blondes, she has herself become a far more important symbol.

You see in the time leading up to this coming election for president, you are going to meet somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 white girls telling you that you should vote for Obama for president.

These young people will not necessarily have been interested in politics before, but they will be utterly convinced of one thing: Barack Obama is the man to lead our country.

Barack was the only candidate to oppose the war from the beginning, you know.

Did you know that Obama once saved 16 Venezuelan children. And he smokes cigarettes just like us!

I think he’s kinda hot. Don’t you?

Peer pressure from blondes also caused the volcanic eruption of Mount St. Helens. True story.

c-c-c-c-changes

Obama is sparking comparisons to Reagan, and rightly so. The irony of this is that Bill Clinton was really Reagan-incarnate – a politician who appealed more to people on his charisma than actual merit. The thing is, everyone knows Bill is a skeezeball, where people actually trust Obama like they did Reagan. This is powerful political capital, and it ensures Obama will win the nomination.

Seeing as 74 percent of Democrats are excited about voting in 2008 as opposed to 49 percent of Republicans, and that less people are saying they are Republicans now than at any time in the last twenty years…we have entered our collective ScarJo Future.

“I am engaged … to Barack Obama,” Johansson joked in an interview with The Associated Press on Thursday. “My heart belongs to Barack, and that is who I am currently, finally, engaged to. Yes.”

Obama misrepresents Lincoln and Kennedy?

“next time let’s use protection.” there you go!

The thing you have to love about Scarlett is that she really enjoys being a symbol, as when posing like Cinderella for the new Disney ads. And her trip to the Gulf region on a USO tour truly hilariouses us all.

The 23-year-old said in the release that she has long received letters from U.S. servicemembers and looked forward to meeting with them and signing autographs during her tour.“This USO tour to the Gulf region truly means a lot,” she said in the release. “I’ve wanted to go over and visit for some time, and now my moment has arrived. It’s one thing to reply to a letter or extend your thanks to servicemembers in a speech, but it’s another thing to visit them and spend time with those that do so much for us back home.”

Johansson, who showed her support for the Democratic presidential candidate at the Iowa caucus earlier this month, was really just deflecting a question about rumors she might be engaged (to actor-beau Ryan Reynolds).

Favorite president?

Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Do you have any Latino ancestry?

Not that I know of.

The 23-year-old actress talked about the warm welcome she received while visiting troops stationed in the Persian Gulf last week. Johansson dropped by U.S. bases in Kuwait on Jan. 17 and Jan. 18 as part of a USO tour in which she met about 3,500 men and women in uniform.

“Everybody that I met there was so incredibly friendly and polite and genuine and generous,” she said. “They were so, so sweet. I mean, I was just amazed.”

She was shocked that military soldiers were well-behaved. Great. It was nice of Scarlett to shake her ta-ta’s for our men in uniform I will give her that. I hope she did the right thing and went all the the way with everyone.

Johansson said some people ripped patches off their jackets as gifts and handed her challenge coins from their military units. One Marine offered up his St. Christopher medal. Another starstruck guy gushed: “You made my whole deployment!”

scarjo’s tramp stamp

In what would no doubt be an affront to God, she might play Princess Diana.

Johansson has a full plate for 2008, with the release of films including “The Other Boleyn Girl” and “He’s Just Not That Into You,” as well as the arrival of her debut album on May 20.

The disc, called “Anywhere I Lay My Head,” features Tom Waits cover songs and one original track. “It was a really, really sort of inspired process to make this CD, and it was something I’d never done before,” said Johansson, who said the album has a dreamy, ethereal quality.

On a far more serious note: Johansson was still speechless Thursday over the death of fellow actor Heath Ledger, who was found dead Tuesday in his Manhattan apartment.

“I’m really just so very shocked,” she said. “He was an incredibly sweet, kindhearted and enthusiastic person. And, you know, he loved his daughter. I mean, that was like the light of his life. It’s just a terrible loss.”

ScarJo’s new Tom Waits covers album is the third most annoying thing we can imagine. The second worst thing would be if Britney discovered a Nick Drake fascination and re-recorded Pink Moon or something. The number one worst thing would be a dumb movie about a teenage pregnancy taking the world by storm even when it was terrible.

The complete track list has yet to be announced, so it’s unknown which gems from the Waits oeuvre will make the cut, though it’s likely the title track, in Waits’ version, a New Orleans-style jazz-infused funeral march, will be among them.

The album was recorded in just five weeks last spring at Dockside Studios in Maurice, Louisiana. David Sitek, from the Brooklyn-based postpunk outfit TV on the Radio, produced the album.

Multi-instrumentalist Sean Antanaitis, a member of the indie rock band Celebration and a longtime Sitek collaborator, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs guitarist Nick Zimmer also both appear on the album.

TV on the Radio meets Tom Waits and Scarlett is the embodier. I am shaking right now. I don’t know what to do. And you see, that’s what she wants. She aims to create an apoplectic rage that you can no longer resist. You give yourself over to it. You vote for Obama. You make a Lil’ Wayne mixtape for a white person. You call your scarf a ‘bib’ when you are at restaurants. You start a tumblr. You begin to admire Brad Pitt, just a little. You wish everyone a happy Kwanzaa and then you chuckle. You tell everyone about your scrabble championship and link to it in your gchat away message. You eagerly await the release of the next U2 album, feeling that even if you don’t enjoy it, you should support Bono. You rent Deja Vu. In short, you have become this:

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. One Katie Couric is approximately 2.6 pounds of excrement, go figure!

SUNDAY SONGS FOR SCARJO FANS

“Born on a Train (Magnetic Fields cover)” – Arcade Fire (mp3)

“Robot Man (Hot Chip Remix)” – The Aliens (mp3)

i cannot believe this photo exists, nevertheless, fuck marry kill, go

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Rendering a viable opinion.

Bawdier and bloodier than Beowulf.

You enter the next chamber.

Scarlett also did this.