In Which We Resolve to Be Nicer to Animals and So On

THINGS KOALA BEARS WOULD SAY

Yay! Look, a pouch!

Love me!

Let’s prevent a forest fire!

Climbing trees is fun!

No, you’re the cutest ever.

Let’s volunteer at a soup kitchen this Christmas.

Camus is boring. I find Karl Jaspers’ philosophy much more enlightening.

My tongue is funny!

Wheeee!

Eating leaves is fun!

Let’s make cider!

Will you help me think of something else nice we can do for Grandma?

I bet I’ll live forever!

Mountain Man Dance Moves, The McSweeney’s Book of Lists

Buying the rest of the book would be a mistake for fans of koala humor. It’s mostly focused on unicorns from here on out.

“Tablet” — Vic Chestnutt

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