In Which We Render Our Verifiable Opinion on A Subject of Considerable Concern to You Newbies

The Rev. Rich Cizik, public policy director for the National Association of Evangelicals, and Nobel-laureate Eric Chivian, director of the Center for Health and the Global Environment at Harvard Medical School, were among 28 signers of a statement that demands urgent changes in values, lifestyles and public policies to avert disastrous changes in climate.

“God will judge us for destroying the Creation. Therefore, we as evangelicals have a responsibility to be even more vigilant than others,” Cizik said at a news conference Wednesday.

“Science can be an ally in helping us understand what faith is telling us,” he said. “We will not allow the Creation to be degraded, destroyed by human folly.”

Chivian said evangelicals and scientists are not as odd a couple as they may seem.

“We discovered that we were both speaking from our hearts and our minds. We found that we really like each other,” he said.

Is this not proof enough that these people are against global warming to move on to the next assumption, that there is nothing to fear from global warming?

First of all, I personally have the most on the line in this whole thing. If New York summers get hotter, it’s extremely likely I’ll die, and Molly will have to post on the only blog with less readership than mine. Seriously it was fucking warm in New York this summer. Even the mice in my apartment complained that I had no air conditioning. To give you an idea of how lazy I am, there were record-breaking temperatures this summer, and it took me about three weeks to be like, “It’s a sauna in here,” and man up to buy…wait for it…a tiny little fan to blow on me all the time. I don’t even want to get into how bad last summer was. That’s not what we’re here for.

I’m here to show exactly how little danger you’re actually in, and if you should really water your bicycle on this issue. That’s an expression, look it up. Not now, look at this:

I myself am not planning to be alive in 2070–your mileage may vary. So thus who cares, part one.

Who cares, part two?

Predictions, shmadictions. 8 more degrees? That’s nothing. My grandfather already lives in a world where every place he is in seems 8 degrees hotter than it really is.

In fact, most people enjoy warm weather, even Jews. It’s already balls-out hot in tons of places. Thank God for fossil fuels, which can hopefully keep our ACs going. Also, what some people are wearing in light of this weather is not kosher.

Lindsay, we have to say no. We want to say yes, but due to the pixellation on your face we’re going to say no.

Don’t forget that temparture changes happened before now, ya know. Then again, those fellas at the National Review have lied to us before.

But! you scream before moving onto to the next public policy issue you know nothing about, what about the ice caps? They’ll melt, and we’ll lose tons of shoreline. The costs will be astronomical. We just learned that word on our daily calendar. So. What do you think about that?

Not too much. The shoreline belongs almost exclusively to rich people, as does the entire island of Manhattan. Manhattan will always be fine even if they have to utilize gene therapy to fashion a man who can create a force field with his mind.

And let’s not forget what so-called “environmentalists” really care about–humans.

Our view: Fuck humans. We only know like 7 or 8 good ones anyway. Of course we mean you.

The earth will be fine if the ice caps melt. It will simply keep on going. Humanity will exist, certainly, but in small pockets. Can you feel that? The earth is getting its revenge for what we’ve done to it. It wants us gone.

Humanity’s probably the only sentient species in the galaxy (sorry Vorlons), but it’s nothing but a blip on the radar screen in the Earth’s history. The Earth is sneezing and we are its blotty bloody mucus scum.

Vorlons before:

Eat shit! I’m Ambassador Kosh! The green thing’s a pimple if you were wondering.

Vorlons after:

Oh you were Angels all along…how delightful. Can I get some cash for my Season 4 and Season 5 sets? No? Come on, I served in the freakin’ Earth-Minbari War already, assssssshole!

“Post Modern Girls” — The Strokes and Regina Spektor

“Long Distance Call (25 Hours a Day Mix)” — Phoenix

Phoenix band website

Downloads you can’t afford to miss out on:

5 . Headphones On

4. Twangville

3. Caffeine Headache

2. Obscure Sound and of course

1. hype machine

2 thoughts on “In Which We Render Our Verifiable Opinion on A Subject of Considerable Concern to You Newbies

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s