In Which a Wednesday Mixtape is Conflated With the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Resulting In One of the Most Legendary, Jaw-Droppingly Electric Posts We Can Imagine

There is no more ridiculously stupid thing in magazine publishing than the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. It bears no relation to the magazine and makes no sense. On the other hand, if it substitutes for hardcore pornography for the young men of America, probably all the better. Our society can use all the substitutes for porn it can get. A healthy appreciation of one’s own sexuality is important. Pornography itself, is important. There’s nothing wrong with it, except feeling that there’s nothing wrong with it. Like any institution, it needs policing, it needs a reality check. It needs respect for women. What I don’t like about the Swimsuit Issue is that it features too many stick figure models, but at least they’ve gone away from the all-white editions as in past years.

This year’s issue was billed as the music issue, which has got to be roughly the most moronic idea in history. It’s a magazine full of near-nude women. What possible relationship would this bear to music? What possible relation does sports bear to music? It’s absurd and retarded. I don’t know why they even bother with the articles. That’s enough antagonism from me.

Again, we think mixtapes speak volumes, so let’s hear what this swimsuit mixtape has to say. Use DownThemAll, and screen for mp3.

1. “Secret Garden” — Bruce Springsteen

“When the Boss whispers so sweetly in my ear, I cover my excitement by preparing a more rockin’ track on my iPod. You are mine, Bruce. I don’t care if you link to moronic Thomas Friedman articles, you are mine.”

2. “Sandy” — Nancy Wilson

“Her husband may have made Elizabethtown, but he also made Singles, and that has to be good for something.”

3. “Catastrophe” — Rainer Maria

“Yes I also mourn their death, it’s horrible, it’s way worse than 9/11, the last show was incredible, oh my god, I can’t believe they’re gone, they were amazing, shut up.”

4. “That’s Just What You Are” — Aimee Mann

“I totally hate major labels, and female vocalists are so what it’s all about, and even though she’s not a lesbian and is married to Sean Penn’s brother, she still seems disadvantaged. Aren’t major labels obligated to release albums even if they don’t sell? Isn’t communism the best possible system of government? No.”

5. “Bright Lights” — Richard Ashcroft

“He looks like Jesus. Nuff said.”

6. “Stranger in Moscow” — Michael Jackson

“Despite the nasty rumors that Michael Jackson was involved in the abomination that was Sonic 3, and the timeless allegations of anti-Semitism, he is the greatest pop artist of all time, and that’s all there is to it.”

7. “Wouldn’t Get Far” — The Game feat. Kanye West

“It is black history month after all.”

8. “Mother We Just Can’t Get Enough” — New Radicals

“God I wish I could see that video when they run through the mall just one more time before I die. Whatever happened to this guy?”

9. “Momma Miss America” — Paul McCartney

“I’m not a big John Lennon fan. Sorry, I know that peace is important.”

10. “A Pirate Looks at 40” — Jimmy Buffett

“Smoke weed everyday.”