We have been waiting for the time to comment on the best news story of this young year. There’s a new baby in the Perfect family, and Tom Brady’s Perfect Little One is coming to a TV screen near you.
We didn’t want to step up to the plate on Tom’s Jetsetter ways until we had the document that was going to put her over the top. That’s right–our passion for intruding on other people’s privacy has led us to the Kobe Bryant rape transcript-esque gold of Bridget Moynahan’s e-mail to Tom on that fateful night.
FROM: thechickfromtherecruit@gmail.com
TO: belichicketmoi@imtheperfectfuckingqb.com
Dear Tom,
Tsup big guy. Still dreaming of you in Indy. Tough game. You and Bill…tough game.
I have some news I want to preface by including an e-mail I got from my dating advisor.
Think about it…
In a perfect world, all girls would be born with the innate
ability to understand the opposite sex: what men think, why
they think it, and why they do the ridiculous things they do.
We would grow into self-assured women brimming with confidence,
possessing all of the knowledge and tools we could ever need
to find the man of our dreams and create a healthy, happy,
drama-free relationship with him.
UNFORTUNATELY, we’re not living in a perfect world.
Most of us spend the majority of our dating lives wondering
what a guy is thinking, guessing at his feelings, hoping he’ll
call when he says he will, and trying to analyze his every
action.
This confusion and guesswork can leave us feeling unsteady
and uncertain of ourselves. Looking for reassurance, we may
find ourselves clinging to our man, hoping that he will make
us feel secure in the relationship – and in ourselves.
We think that if we just hang around him enough, the uneasiness
will subside. (Not to mention the fact that if we always keep
an eye on him, there’s no way he could possibly ever cheat!)
This is a big, fat mistake.
The security we women so desperately seek can only be found
one way: by building confidence within ourselves. But without
knowing any better, so many of us make this very mistake every
day.
I found this very inspirational. That’s why I decided to impregnante myself from the selection of boys in my freezer. It was a tough call between you and the ethnic dude from That 70s Show, but I feel I’ve made the right decision. See you in the papers,
Bridget.
There you have it. We are not opposed to any celebrity children. They get taken care of, especially birthday party wise. We feel nothing but jealousy towards Suri Cruise and Manischevitz Spielberg.
In other news, Arcade Fire hit SNL. I was having a hotly-contested debate at a local museum about which contemporary band was most likely to become a U2-Rolling Stones-Dave Matthews Band like touring moneymaker in their old age. I can so see this guy looking like Keith Richards and doing songs about the latest human rights crisis in Venezuela (I’m guessing).
“Girl in the War” — Josh Ritter
This Recording 
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