In Which A New Guest Contributor Digs Deep for a Subject and Falls Back on a Time-Honored Dislike of Children

Too Many Runts

by Rebecca Wiener

Sand tiger sharks eat their brothers and sisters inside their mother’s womb. The little embryo sharks grow razor-sharp teeth and start to devour other embryos until finally, a few months later, two dominant sharks engage in a life-and-death struggle until only one survives. By the time it is born, the champion shark pup has become an experienced predator.

Sadly, we humans don’t have such a well-honed system for weeding out the runts. Ashton Kutcher’s twin, for instance, should have been eaten way back in the womb. Obviously the Ashton-fetus leeched all of the handsome and symmetry out of the poor Michael-fetus, but didn’t do the humane thing and finish the job. (You might say that Michael got Punk’d.) Alex, if the blog does not truck in this sort of bad punnery, please feel free to redact.

But the problem is not exclusive to twins. Studies have shown that the more older brothers a boy has, the more likely he is to be gay; all those vagina-loving hormones have been sopped up by the time he rolls around. The same thing can happen with intelligence, talent or beauty. Selfish little Dennis-fetus stole all the Quaid good looks before Randy-fetus was even a twinkle in his father’s eye. As we all know, Randy is now a lauded character actor, but who can deny that he’s rather busted. And Bill Clinton-fetus, always up for seconds, ate up all the Clinton smarts and charisma before Roger-fetus came on the scene. Now, in addition to being an alcoholic, drug addict and criminal, Roger’s wikipedia page lists his major accomplishments as guest-starring roles on TV shows including The Nanny, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and Cybill, as well as a turn as “Mayor Bubba” in Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings.

Am I advocating that parents abandon the American dream of 2.5 healthy ten-fingered children? Not necessarily. I’m just saying that it wouldn’t hurt to take a page out of the People’s Republic of China’s book: “one child good, two ok, three too many.” I mean, China’s doing pretty well these days and all America’s children are obese smart-asses who are tweaked out on Ritalin and can’t name the current President. (Rhymes with “tush.”)

Ms. Wiener, the acclaimed writer and artist, is editor for Heeb Magazine.

“Strange and Beautiful (I’ll Put a Spell on You)” — Aqualung

“Heavy Hearts” — The Morning Benders

“Lego” — The Maccabees

3 thoughts on “In Which A New Guest Contributor Digs Deep for a Subject and Falls Back on a Time-Honored Dislike of Children

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