In Which Tell Me You Did Not Just Do That Good Lord I Can’t Seriously Believe You Bastard

Fucking unbelievable.

So this is a picture of my brother next to the new Honda Pilot my parents bought him.

He’s wearing his customary Patriots gear. My brother’s Patriots fandom is the best thing about him, both because (1) The Patriots are the fucking awesomest franchise everrrrrr with the most perfect quarterback-in-womb/waiting and (2) you can have fun baiting him.

I once made him punch me at an airport by simply suggesting that I knew more about the Patriots than he did. I was like, “Dude, you don’t know what it was like. You weren’t even a Patriots fan in 1995.” This drove him into a fury.

Seriously though my brother has always been the apple of my parents’ eye. Sure I was fond of Oreos and not partial to being controlled by “the man,” but there should have been enough love for me, too. I guess what I’m saying is that my parents don’t know, they don’t really understand and they probably never will, what it’s like to be really, really spoiled.

This got me thinking of all the ways in which I am superior to my little brother. Please indulge me for a second here.

5. I’m a better free-throw shooter than he is.

My stroke at the line in superior, I’m better in the low post, I use my left hand better, I defend better in the post, I take care of the ball better, I elevate better, and I’m a load down low.

4. I don’t post embarrassing pictures of myself on the facebook…for the most part.

3. I don’t have what are called normal human feelings. I feel only glee and disappointment, and I feel them both usually only in others. I also lack the guilt thing.

To be nice I pretend not to know everything. I called him up yesterday to ask him how to use Right Guard deodorant. I really didn’t actually know how to do it — I figured it out today–move the shit from left to right, not up to down. The thing is, calling him and being unafraid to express my ignorance was actually a way for me to be patronizing. I’m going to hell, I know that now.

2. His entire sense of humor is purely a subset of mine.

Practically every joke he has made, I have made already, and better. I’m more humorous, and I think of funnier and funnier jokes all the time.

Once we were in a pool in Disney World. He could not have been more than 7 or 8. I convinced him there was a world record for taking going underwater and resurfacing again. Needless to say, there was no Guinness book crew on hand.

1. He’s not as good a public speaker.

Public speaking is important. Don’t let anyone tell you different. I’m terrific. I take the stage competently and then my mastery of the human language comes through. It’s just what happens. It’s what I’m all about. And that’s why I don’t understand why he has a new Honda Pilot and I have an expensive copy of Photoshop to give these pictures the proper authentic consistency of distortion that you’ve come to expect. Fuck, I would be so money in that car. Brothers are so fucking stupid.

“Throw It On Me” — Timbaland featuring the Hives

“No Key No Plan” — Okkervil River

“Nothing Much Happens” — Ben Lee

“Love Tried to Welcome Me” — Madonna

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4 thoughts on “In Which Tell Me You Did Not Just Do That Good Lord I Can’t Seriously Believe You Bastard

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