I was in fourth grade, and they were Turtles.
Every day I went to school. I learned by rote, learned by acclimation, acclamation. Made of myself a sensitive, sobbing, alabaster boy. They were the Turtles, and I found them in the most unexpected of places–the Television.
It was enough to love a turtle and so the turtle.
My mother told me I had a doctor’s appointment one day. It was a new one at 4. I bawled. I said hello. I said my name, what I was going to do to myself if I had to go to this doctor’s appointment and miss my turtles I’d probably stick a finger in my eye.
Along the way, did I learn an important lesson about the more that other people enjoy something, the less you will? Naturally.
Just as quick they were everywhere. The fact that they did this interview with Barbara Walters is very galling. I saw Ms. Walters in her element during my short employment with ABC, and it was not pleasant. The thought of her competing with April for the guys’ affections is even more damning.
It came to the point where I felt the villains addressed profound inadequacies in me. Shredder, my lack of strength, Super Shredder, my super lack of strength, Krang, the part of my brain that were inaccessible, and the Foot Soldiers as my lack of discipline.
We don’t have to get into the subtextual stuff. I took classes in Modern Media and Culture. What it means is that I know about this stuff.
The weird thing about the TMNT universe (and I’m getting to the movie, rest assured, though I won’t be able to cover the SNES Street Fighter imitation that sorely needed a revival on a next-gen SYSTEM) is that there are no people in it. The people are ancillary, the animal has the dilemma, what’s at stake. And he fights man’s demons off for him. Splinter is of course the Jew. There is no age without an art of anti-Semitism–I majored in English at Brown, m’kay? Know what you’re getting into.
Then–the resurrection. The reiteration of the theme, commercially done, reproduced in CGI. Would the culture buy it?
After the defeat of their old arch nemesis, The Shredder, the Turtles have grown apart as a family. Struggling to keep them together, their rat sensei, Master Splinter, becomes worried when strange things begin to brew in New York City. Tech-industrialist Max Winters is amassing an army of ancient monsters to apparently take over the world. And only one super-ninja fighting team can stop them – those heroes in a half shell – Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello and Raphael! With the help of old allies April O’Neil and Casey Jones, the turtles are in for the fight of their lives as they once again must facethe mysterious Foot Clan, who have put their own ninja skills behind Winters’ endeavours. Making this new incarnation of the TMT truly cutting-edge, the film will be created entirely with state-of-the-art CG animation, giving them a completely new look for the 21st Century.
So basically we’re prentending that all the shit that when down with FUCKING APRIL O’NEIL and FUCKING CASEY JONES is no longer canon now? It may look like I’m laughing, but I’m dying inside. Shameless!
Donatello, what I can say. I think we both know what that long stick is saying, but I’m not answering No, that’s for sure!
And while I’m at it, Leonardo, you’re average all right! You’re fucking average. You’re so fucking average it hurts.
Raphael. Get over here. Stop eating that pizza. Stand at attention like a good turtle.
Why are you so looking at me so defiantly? Go get a fucking slice.
Hey there. It’s really awkward running into you like this, can I be honest? Wow. And…you’ve got a microphone–planning on going live down here in the sewers, honey? Then you never were much for words, were you? You know what…you’re great. You’re really great. We’ll stay in touch, won’t we?
Mikey. K. There You Are. Can I speak to you?
Listen, Mike. I don’t really know how to say this. I guess I can only just tell you. Turtles don’t have teeth. I’m so, so sorry. I got you a few pizzas. Don’t bother me for the rest of the night.
So in the end, turtles became something different, a private little dictatorship for me. Even, one might say, a civilization. And every civilization has its own brand of pornography.