In Which You Needn’t Have Taken Us To That Dark Place Where Mice are Wise Men and the Moon is As Big as Krang’s Hard One

I was in fourth grade, and they were Turtles.

Every day I went to school. I learned by rote, learned by acclimation, acclamation. Made of myself a sensitive, sobbing, alabaster boy. They were the Turtles, and I found them in the most unexpected of places–the Television.

It was enough to love a turtle and so the turtle.

My mother told me I had a doctor’s appointment one day. It was a new one at 4. I bawled. I said hello. I said my name, what I was going to do to myself if I had to go to this doctor’s appointment and miss my turtles I’d probably stick a finger in my eye.

Along the way, did I learn an important lesson about the more that other people enjoy something, the less you will? Naturally.

Just as quick they were everywhere. The fact that they did this interview with Barbara Walters is very galling. I saw Ms. Walters in her element during my short employment with ABC, and it was not pleasant. The thought of her competing with April for the guys’ affections is even more damning.

It came to the point where I felt the villains addressed profound inadequacies in me. Shredder, my lack of strength, Super Shredder, my super lack of strength, Krang, the part of my brain that were inaccessible, and the Foot Soldiers as my lack of discipline.

We don’t have to get into the subtextual stuff. I took classes in Modern Media and Culture. What it means is that I know about this stuff.

The weird thing about the TMNT universe (and I’m getting to the movie, rest assured, though I won’t be able to cover the SNES Street Fighter imitation that sorely needed a revival on a next-gen SYSTEM) is that there are no people in it. The people are ancillary, the animal has the dilemma, what’s at stake. And he fights man’s demons off for him. Splinter is of course the Jew. There is no age without an art of anti-Semitism–I majored in English at Brown, m’kay? Know what you’re getting into.

Then–the resurrection. The reiteration of the theme, commercially done, reproduced in CGI. Would the culture buy it?

After the defeat of their old arch nemesis, The Shredder, the Turtles have grown apart as a family. Struggling to keep them together, their rat sensei, Master Splinter, becomes worried when strange things begin to brew in New York City. Tech-industrialist Max Winters is amassing an army of ancient monsters to apparently take over the world. And only one super-ninja fighting team can stop them – those heroes in a half shell – Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello and Raphael! With the help of old allies April O’Neil and Casey Jones, the turtles are in for the fight of their lives as they once again must facethe mysterious Foot Clan, who have put their own ninja skills behind Winters’ endeavours. Making this new incarnation of the TMT truly cutting-edge, the film will be created entirely with state-of-the-art CG animation, giving them a completely new look for the 21st Century.

So basically we’re prentending that all the shit that when down with FUCKING APRIL O’NEIL and FUCKING CASEY JONES is no longer canon now? It may look like I’m laughing, but I’m dying inside. Shameless!

Donatello, what I can say. I think we both know what that long stick is saying, but I’m not answering No, that’s for sure!

And while I’m at it, Leonardo, you’re average all right! You’re fucking average. You’re so fucking average it hurts.

Raphael. Get over here. Stop eating that pizza. Stand at attention like a good turtle.

Why are you so looking at me so defiantly? Go get a fucking slice.

Oh.

Hey there. It’s really awkward running into you like this, can I be honest? Wow. And…you’ve got a microphone–planning on going live down here in the sewers, honey? Then you never were much for words, were you? You know what…you’re great. You’re really great. We’ll stay in touch, won’t we?

Mikey. K. There You Are. Can I speak to you?

Listen, Mike. I don’t really know how to say this. I guess I can only just tell you. Turtles don’t have teeth. I’m so, so sorry. I got you a few pizzas. Don’t bother me for the rest of the night.

So in the end, turtles became something different, a private little dictatorship for me. Even, one might say, a civilization. And every civilization has its own brand of pornography.

“Trance Manual” — John Vanderslice 

Excerpt from John Ashbery’s long poem, “Litany” — John Ashbery 

3 thoughts on “In Which You Needn’t Have Taken Us To That Dark Place Where Mice are Wise Men and the Moon is As Big as Krang’s Hard One

  1. Have really no idea what most of what you wrote up was about, it’s like U injected it with far too much sarcasm that it didn’t even make sense, almost like U were talkling 2 yourself. No offense at all intended, I just couldn’t hear where U were coming from. But da opening was nice 2 hear; you being a mad turtle fan when they hit the world.

    Since U being a mad turtle fan was what I followed the most, I can react off of that: What do U think of this bullshit they gone did 2 Raphael?? Like, since when did Leonardo and Raphael ever have conflict??? But that’s only based on a higher fallacy; Where the hell did Raphael go??? I don’t see him here in this cgi bullshit (pretty looking tho). And I sure as fuk didn’t see him in that original premier theater movie.

    So U being all turtle fan, I gotta hear this. I dont get a chance 2 meet any turtle fans to find out this response so I got you to tell me. Like, Raphael is prolly da most favorite turtle of all da turtle fans, and they subverted his character in that premiere movie. Then they preserved this subversion in this CGI crap.

    In da premiere movie and da CGI, he’s like this angst-ridden, bronx punk talking like a bozo. Granted in da sequel with Erney Reyes jr (which was all gay) Raphael acted a little bit more like Raphael, a remarkable improvement from da 1st theatre movie. Especially that scene when he’s in da junk yard and gets captured while Erney escapes. It’s like “Oh okay! theres Raph! Whuddup you sly cool dude! Didn’t see U in da 1st movie!”

    Let me point out though, despite the wreckage they did with Raphael, that premiere movie really was AWesome. It was absolutely a great movie but more importantly it was like seeing the turtles come to life. Donatello wasnt really donetello and Raph
    sure as hek wasnt Raph, but geez; Splinter and Leonardo?? Unbelievable to see them alive! Like watch’n Christopher Reeve play Clark Kent/Superman.

    April oniel and Michaelanglo were also next best, then Shredder would be next best. Bottom of da barrel was Donetello, but acceptable, but not Casey and Raph. Total garbage. It’s like U go to big movie premiere theatre of “Sienfeld: the movie”, and you’ve been such a huge fan of the show for years and when U watch the big movie, Kramer is played by Robert Deniro, all mafia and serious and shit. This is basic logic.

    You’d see the zany Elaine, the ridiculous Gearge Cosntaza, and the witty Jerry Sienfeld, and be thrilled and pleased to witness them again in a big bonanza, but Kramer over there is smoking a joint with a gun in his waste starring at U going “You talk’n ta me?”

    Hey, where’s Kramer? Casey Jones is this Clint Eastwood ex-sports player who went psycho on a world of injustice and was a simple minded dope but could kik anybodies ass. Well, we didnt see that in the premiere movie and then they preserved this perversion onto the CGI. But Raphael??? He’s not some side character like Casey; he’s part of the core feature!!! You think we’re not gonna notice that??? Not notice it anymore than not notice a mafia Dinero walkin around calling himself Kramer??

    I’m not even making an arguement here, its just a fact easily discernable by basic logic and the common sense of a dummy. Like, Jennifer Garner aint’ elektra! Toby mcguire is NOT Peter Parker! Halle Berry, Storm she ain’t. And dis bronx takin punk giving shit 2 leonardo in dis CGI bullshit? Please.

    Raphael would have a few things to say about it (funny witty things), tho Casey would be to stupid to care for his false
    representation. Tho if U made him aware that defimication of character was against the law, his psycho bad ass would then jump on you, and not even the shredder could save your ass. “Law Breaker! You’ll pay!!”

    Mentioning Seinfeld, maybe you’ve watched the show “Friends” with the 6 new yorkers always at that Cafe doing nothing. Well, if we were to take ‘Friends’ and match them exactly with the turtles, logically, we’d have Ross being Donatello. Joey being Michelangelo. And Raphael being Chandler. THAT’s how Raphael is.
    No leo or splinter tho to compare, but April O’niel could be Courtney Cox or Rachael. Hmmmm, since the weird girl is kinda crazy, we could put her in a hockey mask and have her being possessed by an ex-cop/sports player as Casey. LOL.

    Keep in mind I loved the turtles movie premiere, despite the two humongous lies: Rapheal and Casey. It’s fine to take a little artistic liscensing and play with it, but it’s one thing to take artistic liscensing, it’s a whole nother thing to alter it into another different entity. re;Robert Deniro aint Kramer.

    An obvious side note would be speaking of the Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird original draft. On those independent black and white pages, Casey and
    Raph may indeed be much more simular to what U see in the premiere movie version. But not April. Not Leo. Not Michalangelo or even shredder. All of those characters we see in da premiere movie are of the cartoon. So they were obviously doing a movie of the smash hit cartoon, NOT Eastman Laird blak n white, thus their Raph and Casey are false.

    Furthermore, Eastman and Laird only concieved of a general idea. An idea waiting to be used more approprietly and better. On top of that, try to deny this fact: Eastman and Lairds blak’n white is not the reason the world knew of the Turtles.

    Turtles are not loved by millions of kids and teens and Even fun loving adults, because of that entity rough draft U see by Eastman and Laird. The world did not fall in love with Eastman and Laird. The only reason the world likes TMNT and even KNOWS of TMNT is because of that cartoon show!

    The creators of the show only took the general idea of da Black n white comic and breathed a specific life into it. Is Eastman and Laird the reason people know of the word “COWABUNGA!”?? Nope. Don’t think they even used that term at all. Is Eastman and Laird the reason da Turtles wear the certain color bands they do? Nope. Eastman and Laird had them all mono tone soldiers wearin red bands. Is Eastman and Laird da reason April oneil is a red head fox? Nope. Eastman and Laird has a black haired girl who simply wasn’t particularly pretty.

    The list can go on, people love da turtles at the time, and still do, because of that brilliant fun cartoon. THAT show is the reason a premiere movie could be made, therefore you must make a movie of THAT cartoon, since that’s the reason people are going to watch the movie cuz they love the cartoon. And Raphael and Casey in dat premiere is NOT of that cartoon. Completely alien.

    Is dat black n white comic da reason toys were made of the turtles? Nope. Is it the reason we have dis CGI movie now? Nope, everyone’s vibe is ringing on the echo of fond memories of that awesome cartoon adventure.

    Kudos and credits to Eastman and Laird for 1st concieving a general picture of the idea though. But they dont need my acknowledgement or kudo’s, cuz they got their profit off of an entity that was not even their vision. Oh, they’re living it good, so dont worry about them. Worry about da death of Raphael (the mutant turtle) as it seems they wiped him out with displacement of this gangsta punk filled with angst. I’ll take your sai’s and make U eat em, then I’ll hand them back to it’s proper owner:Raphael. Who would have some hilarious remark like “You think I want something u just shoved down someones throat? Now if u put pizza sauce and some cheese, mabye.”

    I guess people dont care what they’re looking at, or just dont have the brain capacity to recognize what they’re looking at due to massive brainwashing. OR….there just aren’t any turtle fans anymore. At least fans of Raphael.

    Nuff said.

    oh wait,,,Cowabunga!

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