In Which Our Vice President Spends Some Time Recovering From His Australia Sojourn and Finds an Episode of Lost

Lost Thoughts, Week 6 of 16

by Dick Cheney

Great. A fat dude and an Iraqi back-to-back. I never thought I’d miss Jack’s WPP (White People’s Problems).

Lost, in an effort to sate fans who want answers, blew off about three weeks worth of storylines tonight.

At least this is going somewhere mildly exciting.

I amused Lynne and George tonight by calling all the plot twists. For instance, I knew that Sayid tortured that chica, because I was contemplating using that videotape as propaganda for a war. As Tony Snow tells me endlessly, you can never have too much propaganda.

But let me start with the man the ladies call Locke. This guy is killing possibilities for bald guys everywhere. I mean this dude screws up his relationship with Katey Segal, gets obsessed with pressing a button, loses that obsession, does it again, kills Boone. Come on, man! No wonder God took away your legs!

To a certain extent, it’s not this dumb fuck’s fault. I mean, I know what it’s like to be so good at chess than you can’t help but beat every computer you can think of.

And I guess there is still a lot unresolved here. Why is Miss Clue in the basement? Why didn’t she try anything better than jumping out and surprising them? Why did the Russian dude (thought I killed all you guys in the Cold War, just kidding LOL that’s why it was Cold) shoot Miss Clue? Thankfully, I’m sure somebody on the Lost messageboards speaks Russian. I’d trouble the State Department, but they’re still mad because I bit off all their testes.

There is a theory, one I can probably endorse, that Miss Clue was wearing a bulletproof vest. If so, that makes Sayid even dumber than Locke.

So here’s what was said between Miss Clue and the Russian:

Klugh: Mikhail! You know what to do.
Mikhail: We still have another way.
Klugh: We cannot risk. You know what to do.
Mikhail: We still have another way.
Klugh: We cannot risk. You know the conditions.
Mikhail: We have another way.
Klugh: They know us. We will not let them [unintelligible]. You know what to do. It is an order.
Mikhail: But we still have another way! (pause) I’m sorry! (shoots)

That’s…retarded. Not as retarded as these complaints by women in the military, but retarded nonetheless.

The real meat of the episode was of course Mikhail’s partial truth-telling about the history of the island. This has long been an issue that the producers have threatened to talk about, no matter how little the fanbase cared. But you know what? I care. I care what happened to Degroot. I care about Linderman. I care about Alvar Hanso. Who’s coming with me?

Aight, whatever, I’m going to bed, but not before I vote for LaKisha on American Idol. Holla at me girl.

The vice president reviews Lost weekly for this recording. All queries may be directed to Tony Snow.

“Damnit Anna” — The Morning Benders

idolator’s Track Marks on TMB

“Last Day” — The Morning Benders

Man the RIAA sucks

“Grain of Salt” — The Morning Benders

Morning Benders website–they’re amazing, and I’m not just saying that because they’re doing a san fran gig with the long winters.

One thought on “In Which Our Vice President Spends Some Time Recovering From His Australia Sojourn and Finds an Episode of Lost

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