In Which Cheney Geeks Out At Having His Favorite Book Named Checked on His Favorite Show

Week 6 of 16

Fucking Awesome

by Vice President Dickolas Cheney

It’s not every day that your favorite show namechecks your favorite book.

As you probably know from reading my reviews of Lost, I think it’s the greatest show ever put on television. When exactly did I make this determination? Um, during the Boone-Locke storyline, DUH!!!

This is me at Auschwitz. For some strange reason, I had a hard boner in this picture. A minute after this photograph was taken, I shouted “Spring Break Treblinka!” Got a huge laugh.

You have to understand that all my life up until the Boone-Locke storyline had boiled down to one book.

You see, in 5th grade I was at a camp in the mountains of Wyoming. Although you wouldn’t know it if you saw me today, I was a very rebellious 5th grader. I thought Castro was just another tyrant. I thought every comment by the Democratic Party didn’t undermine our troops. I didn’t have my head on straight. I’d smoke hard crack and bust a nut right on top of the television. My favorite show was I Love Lucy.

I was deep in the midst of my third tour of solitary confinement when the marshal, who I called Daddy-O for some inexplicable reason, came into my room. Usually he bantered with me jovially–he was quite one with the wit.

He said, “Dick, have you ever…really loved a woman?”

“Many,” I said.

“And have you found pleasure in sex?”

“Of course,” I said. “Who doesn’t?”

“And what would you think of someone…” he trailed off.

“What would you think of someone who blew up the apartment building they designed because their design was altered?”

“A fucking genius,” I said. “Of course.”

“Exactly,” he said. From behind his back he took out a tattered book. He pushed it across my breakfast table.

“This chick,” he said. “Is almost a man.” I guffawed. I hollered and hooted.

“That’s about as likely as a tortoise and hippopotamus being BFF,” I said. (Side note: I invented the term BFF.)

He reached deep into his pocket and pushed a photo across the table. I stared at it:

“I guess I’ve got some reading to do,” I said.

It took me two days and two nights, but I finished that book. By the end, I realized I had never looked at the title. I pulled back to see the cover.

No, I’m just messing around, it was the The Fountainhead.

As for the greatest book in the world, it was awesome.

As for last night’s episode of Lost, a few notes.

  1. Locke, SHUT UP!
  2. Kate, we know you’re flexible.
  3. Anna Lucia, I miss you like that time you f’d Sawyer. That was stone cold.
  4. Russian guy, it was real.
  5. Jack’s dad, how did you cover for those trips to Australia with your wife when Claire was young? Medical conference? Actually this posits an interesting question, which is why was Jack’s Dad in Australia in the first place. Probably had something to do with the Island.
  6. Confirmation of a central figure other than Benry Gale. My guess is that the person is already in the mythology, and Alvar Hanso’s as good a guess as any. Heroes just pulled this trick and got Malcolm McDowell, so he’s out.
  7. Claire, SHUT UP!
  8. Oh God how many times could I watch Jack playing football with the Other. It’s possibly the funnest thing of all time.

Till next week, I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Thank you!

    Dick Cheney reviews Lost on a weekly basis for this recording.

    “I’m A Woman” — Melinda Doolittle

    “Maneater” — Nelly Furtado

    “Bears Before the Barbican” — Lambchop

    “Smack That” — Eminem feat. Akon

    “That’s Just What You Are” — Aimee Mann

    great song

    6 thoughts on “In Which Cheney Geeks Out At Having His Favorite Book Named Checked on His Favorite Show

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