So I like graduated today…
Before the Graduation
take a mountain turn it into a mole
May I use the ‘tu’ form with you? Excellent.
My parents came at about 1 pm. They were bringing my grandparents back to Jersey after a week-long stay.
So my grandparents are very old. And the night before they’d all gone out to eat, and my grandfather ate some clam chowder. Seriously had I been there this all would have been avoided because I would have been like, yo, if you deign to order clam chowder from this place, you’re going to cause all kinds of pain for yourself and others.
On the way to jersey, my parents had to stop at:
1: Burger King in Old Saybrook
2. Trucker rest stop near New Haven
3. Burger King in Stamford, stall was open
4. McDonald’s in Fort Lee
That’s just not good for business. You need a captain of the automobile who thinks long term in that situation, although my call probably would have been, “You know what? Just go in your pants over there, and we’ll deal with the aftereffects of your pooping once we get there.” Poor guy.
Anyway, poor my parents too. Once they got there they had to deal with me.
We were unloading all this crap into my apartment, and one of the doormen came by and asked me if the stuff there was for my son. I was speechless. Is there no reason for a grown man to want a metal bat, 50 baseballs, and a framed picture of Joe Pesci?
Anyway, my dad’s brilliant plan was to go to this furniture store and then to a tv store and then to my graduation?
Knowing I would have to prepare myself for this, I took 3 mg of clonazepam and some other over the counter stuff to ensure I didn’t say a bad word the whole time and my reaction to all the events of the day would be, “So that happened.”
I love my parents, but my dad gets visibly disappointed when he doesn’t get a cab in like two seconds. And it’s not because he’s demanding, it’s because he thinks every cab stops for other people but won’t for him. I’m like dad, whatever National Geographic says, we’re not black.
Later on, my dad got a slice of pizza, it didn’t taste good, and he was like about to cry. I’m like dad, let’s not get mad about food here. When I graduated from brown, he dropped a sandwich on the ground and was almost about to cry because he wasted $6. My dad was (1) dirt poor and (2) a Catholic so allowances must be made for events like this.
Seriously he needs to go on some medication. I should call his therapist and get him on something, stat.
My mom was all aces, because I’d flipped out at her a few days earlier and she wanted to be mega supportive.
Thanks Mom/Dad. It’s been real.
During the Graduation
I have no clue why I was all nerve wracked before and needed to be sedated. It was nice to see everyone in one place. I just know I am going to look back on the pictures and be like, oh my god, there is Andrew Zornoza miming giving Jared Hohl a hand job.
It was a silly fun little ceremony. Bob Polito read from our blog. Justin Taylor was promoting his book. Michael Sean Mitchell was best dressed. Trust me this will be name dropping soon enough. Casey Kait was there. Jeff Goldberg. We are talking Karina Wolf here people this is no fucking joke! I mean there were a lot of people there!!!
Our pal Bernie gave a convincing commencement speech that resembled an ejaculation, a very funny one. My dad said, “That guy seemed like he was enjoying myself.” I said, “Yeah, he was in a commercial where he showed his back hair.”
The advantage of this particular graduation was that Phylicia Rashad was not ever so intimately involved in the speech-making part of it.
We Pause to Learn Something New
Molly informed me a moment ago of this ever so salient new term. She’s up at Berkeley’s graduation which she will soon be covering like white on rice.
Molly: I also learned a new term
Me/Us: what’s a swampdog
Molly: a swampdog is a fat ugly girl who comes on to you at the end of the night when you are too drunk to fight her off
For the record I think I speak for all of here at this highly respected blog when we say you cannot stop the sexism of that term, you can only hope to contain it.
I was feeling reflective and giddy but my parents were tired so instead of getting drunk and seeing if I could get this girl in non-fiction’s phone number, I was like, “What is a phone number but a series of digits?” and I took my parents home. They decided to drive back to CT because it’s going to pour like a penis tomorrow.
I am now done with that part of my life, but I’m so happy I met the people that I met, especially the collected peeps of my peer group, The Lance Armstrong Mysteries.
Oh, and RIP Melinda Doolittle.
Stay tuned to this recording as we chronicle the end of Gilmore Girls, the end of the King of Queens (not joking Kevin James is my role model), the Grey’s finale and Cheney’s return. That’s what weekends are for, after all.