In Which Our Cherished Guest Contributor Proposes Marriage to Judd Apatow And/Or Seth Rogan

A Girl Just Wants To Get Knocked Up

by Rebecca Wiener

In honor of the momentous release of Judd Apatow’s masterpiece Knocked Up, the theme of this short entry will be sex/reproduction.

First off, why doesn’t anyone realize that 1 out of every 4,000 girl babies are born without a vagina? But before you throw up, I just found out that “vagina” means the vaginal canal, not the outer paraphernalia. So, no sex or regular birthing, but no Barbie crotch either!

Lindsay Lohan’s new love, Calum Best, son of soccer legend George Best (I only know that a George Best exists because a website told me, but looks like he was super hot!) may be a daddy. And just to be sure, he texted the baby mama that he wanted a paternity test. I submit that she pretends her phone doesn’t accept texts and ignore the request until Calum can man up and pick up the fucking phone. Jesus, what can’t you do by text these days? I’m willing to bet that at this point, Alex can kill someone via text messaging.

Poor, poor Jett Travolta. His mommy and daddy are crazy aliens so they won’t acknowledge that he is autistic. Also, why do so many celebrities have autistic children? Jenny McCarthy, Dan Marino, Sylvester Stallone… don’t you just think that autism is the new depression? It’s so hot right now.

Kevorkian is free! (That doesn’t have to do with reproduction, but aren’t sex and death just basically the same thing?)

P.S. The Knocked Up is the best movie of 2007 and that may be a conservative estimate. Come for the Ryan Seacrest cameo, stay for the fantasy baseball fetishizing.

Rebecca Wiener is the editorial director of Heeb magazine.

“Water is Not Enough” — Neurosis

Check out Amazon’s Spring TV on DVD sale. It’s for the woman who doesn’t need a man, just a series of DVDs with men on them, like Cathy–before she got married. You’d think divorce would be inevitable for Cathy, but the girl is tough. It’s like Superman said,  the father is the child of the son or some such. You know what I’m saying.

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