In Which We Are Old But Smug

Live Decadently During The Second Week of School To Soothe The Malaise of Adulthood

By Tess Lynch

'Ewwwww lunch

Ew, I hate lunch

Kids don’t have to pay rent, but they have to deal with high school; below are some things by which to celebrate the worst week in the world for high schoolers (that is: the first full week) that we will never have to experience again.

On Monday, they have a six-page paper on Plato’s The Republic, Book VIII. You have to eat Ice Cream Cone Cupcakes for dinner.

On Tuesday, their sex tape gets screened at the school talent show. Or so they say. You shrug empathetically at their experience, and in a gesture of solidarity (and a bloody mary) visit The Science of Fear exhibit.

On Wednesday, they get kicked in the testicles for no reason whatsoever. You go see Spoon with Tess and Molly at the Fonda.

Flunked

On Thursday, they get the room with the psycho clock for their standardized tests. You bask in only the warmer, candle-lit memories of youth with Fanny and Alexander at The New Beverly.

On Friday, they weren’t invited to the party and, like Hamlet, couldn’t decide what to do about it. They stay home with their moms, who tell them to lay off the cheesecake. You pick up a Miss Grace lemon cake from Gelson’s for yourself and then send one to your mom, who may or may not have turned 60 on September 6th.

Now I know why VH1 hates their thirties. They spent their twenties eating junk and watching movies, if they were anything like me.

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