In Which A Weekend Of High Definition Sports Dulls The Pain of Being a Man

Sports Corner

by George Ducker

God bless my roommate’s 347-inch HDTV, a wonder of technical engineering that takes up more than half of our living room and seems to be developing its own emotional processes. We like each other, the HD and I. Life in Hell fans should already know that “when you’re tired, television does the playing for you.”

“High In the Morning” — Paul Duncan (mp3)

There was no playing however, for the Bears, as they gave up a bunch of everything to the fucking Chargers. Rex Grossman wore an expression of utter bafflement through most of the second half. Coach Lovie Smith is a reasonable man, but Rex better be careful he isn’t hounded out of Chicagoland. Perhaps he’ll end up in Bermuda or wherever the Peace Corps has Jake Plummer stationed right now. They can spend balmy seaside evenings trimming their facial hair and making savage expressions with their eyebrows.

LaDanian Tomlinson is, with 8 touchdown passes in his career as Running Back, quite obviously the Christ Child:

“We just have to be patient. They’re gonna stop you and stop you and you’ve gotta push ahead. You’ve gotta push through.”

In the NFC, the Panthers won. In the AFC the Broncos won (Elam gets MVP for life!), but it doesn’t matter as Mike Shanahan is still a dick. You won’t hear about Jay Cutler putting up 304 passing yards because he only made 23 out of 39 completions.

Peyton Manning is still boring as ever, even as his play-dough mug graces 1 out of 5 Sunday commercials.

There was passing concern for the safety of a nameless Detroit Lion who, following a 36-21 win at Oakland Stadium, nearly had his helmet chewed off by a member of the Raider Nation. I’m all for taunting a recognized fan base, but you’ve gotta watch out for those guys in the front row with 5 teeth, 3 kids and a 9-foot reach.

“I Went to the Hospital” – Cass McCombs (mp3)

Clemson won again, but it’s not going to count for much until they start playing teams who don’t need a ride home from their parents.

Coaches have been found missing in Michigan and Notre Dame. Perhaps next week the two teams will forgo any regular play and settle things on the field like men, with shrinky-dinks. I, for one, am hopeful for the first negative score in history, which is well within the realm of possibility, as Michigan is now ranked further back than the guys who play cooler-league ball in Glassell Park.

“They Cannot Let it Expand” – Midlake (mp3)

At the low low collegiate price of $3.95, the Oreo Pizza has now joined us on the plane of existence.

A round of applause for the career pot smoker who came up with that one. I also hope hope hope he’s related to the guy who invented Fox’s Football Robot and that he’s happy Domino’s stock just rose by at least 10 points.

George Ducker admits that you know more about sports than he does, however his ability to see the damn future comes in pretty handy. He is a writer living in Los Angeles.

“Love Is Here To Stay” — Nat King Cole (mp3)


Tess’ underwear was not as cute as yours.

Dating in the big city.

Robert Hayden wet our whistle.

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