In Which Sports Happened This Weekend Probably We’re Not Quite Sure In the Midst of This Hangover

They Call It Football

by George Ducker

Call it a sophomore slump. Hell, call it sheer boredom in the face of a second week of football in which nothing interesting happened whatsoever. Passes were thrown, concessions were sold, Tom Brady probably got some racy halftime text messages from Gisele and the Patriots won convincingly. See? No surprises.

“Just Another Thing to Dust” — The Papercuts (mp3)

Every southern pro football team seemed to call it early as losses were posted by the Titans, the Saints and the Falcons. The smart-seeming Panthers were quashed offensively by no other than the Houston Texans, who now at 2-0, still remain the team with the worst, most didactic name in the history of professional football.

Trickery saved the day as the squirrelly Denver Broncos pulled a “no-you-didn’t” timeout just as Oakland’s wunderkind kicker Sebastian Janikowski sent a perfect, suddenly worthless kick straight through the uprights (and from 52 yards or something—poor guy!). He missed the following try while the Broncos, like the kid whose dad always picks him up from school in the Hummer, won with a kick from Jason Elam. I’d like to say I’m pleased with the win, which I am, but it’s not very impressive. I have no doubt that once the Broncos run out of whoopee cushions, stink bombs, and whatever else they have up their sleeve, their record will plummet accordingly.

It’s a good thing that Shanahan never learned how to operate video equipment.

“I’m On My Way” — Christine McVie (mp3)

The 49’ers squeaked by as well on the gracelessness of the Ram’s special teams unit. I mention this only because my roommate, the one with the HDTV, is a raving fan of San Francisco. So I guess I’m happy for him. And the existence of his television.

“College Football” means only that the Cullen Harper led Clemson to their 29th win in a row over Furman. I guess the match-ups are pretty rare, because Furman’s last victory took place in 1936 in the snow.

Published in 1936.

Ole Miss posted a 17-37 loss to Vanderbilt, and in other Non-Surprising Texas News, (see Texans above) the Longhorns are 3-0 after beating Central Florida. Even though I rooted for them against USC, I’ll have to admit Texas leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t like anything about the state or any of their sports programs or how people keep referring to it as “the South.” I am however, in full support of keeping livestock in the deep roster. You never know when a flank will come in handy.

“Antlers” — The Microphones (mp3)

“If You’ve Got to Go” – Bob Dylan (mp3)

As for me, I spent my Sunday in New York, watching five televisions simultaneously at some bar on 2nd Ave called Bar None. Go there if you’re a Vikings fan. Even though I thought I’d be inundated with Giants/Jets propaganda, the place was crawling with purple and yellow. Some guy in Nordic horns kept yelling how he would personally dismember Jon Kitna’s children. What the hell? This kind of behavior in the East Village? I asked a reasonable-looking man near the Exit sign what was going on.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I’m not from here.”

“But you’re wearing a Vikings jersey,” I said. “Everyone in here is wearing a Vikings jersey.”

“Some website told me this was the place to go.”

George Ducker admits that you know more about sports than he does. He’d also like to thank the esteemed editor of this publication for the $32 bourbon. You can find George’s interview with Craig Zobel here.


Molly reinvented the singles scene for your benefit.

We reviewed the new Bob Dylan movie.

Proof of God.

9 year old prodigies are our primary readershipz.

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