In Which An Australian And A Welshman Walk Into A Desert

Bros Before Hos

by Rebecca Wiener

3:10 to Yuma

dir. James Mangold

Christian Bale has always been in my top 5 (Val Kilmer has too. Though his recent puffiness borders on grotesque, no one can deny he was a babe in Real Genius) and Rescue Dawn left me shuddering with emotion, so the moment I saw a preview for 3:10 to Yuma I vowed I’d see it.

The movie is a remake of the 1957 film of the same name (that I obviously haven’t seen because I don’t do stuff like that) and is directed by James Mangold, who wrote and directed the overhyped Copland, the grating Girl, Interrupted and the flat-out pathetic Kate and Leopold, starring Meg Ryan’s lips. But he also co-wrote and directed Walk the Line and if you didn’t like that movie, you have no soul, so I’m cool with the guy.


Yuma is a classic tale of good vs. evil, man vs. his most base qualities, and penis vs. possibly bigger penis. No vaginas were present during the making of this film except Gretchen Mol’s for like 10 minutes of whining and some other chick’s for 3 minutes of sluttery. But that’s okay. I’m woman enough to appreciate a steamy sausage fest, especially when it’s set in the Arizona landscape.

Pretty! Basically, Christian Bale is a down-on-his luck rancher who stumbles upon an opportunity to earn some cash by escorting the most dangerous criminal in the West, Russell Crowe, to the 3:10 train to Yuma prison which stops a few towns over in Contention. (I think I may name my phantom daughter Contention, sounds dramatic.)

Ben Foster of X Men and Six Feet Under fame stars as the second in command of Russell’s crew, a man so gay for his boss that he risks everything to follow him and his captors across the desert and save him from prison.

“Vanessa From Queens” — Stephen Malkmus (mp3)

What follows is a marvelously performed dance between Russell and Christian, two men in awe of and confounded by one another. Russell was abandoned by his parents; Christian is a devoted father. Russell is feared for his daring and strength; Christian’s own son thinks he is a cowardly failure. They’re so different!

I won’t ruin the ending for you, but the dramatic third act doesn’t come as much of a surprise anyway. A good film with fabulous acting, appealing but lazy camerawork and only, like, 10-15 minutes of boring. Not one of the year’s best, but the vision of Russell stabbing a man to death with a fork is definitely worth the price of admission.

Rebecca Wiener is coming to a theatre near you. She lives and writes in Brooklyn, and is the editorial director of Heeb Magazine.

“I Took Her Love for Granted” — Hefner (mp3)

ITHL4G wiki


Robert Hayden will probably get you laid.

We dream of electric sheep.

Molly’s sympathy for rock stars.

5 thoughts on “In Which An Australian And A Welshman Walk Into A Desert

  1. Just seen it, loved it too. I think in this day and age it’s a good flick. A step back to the good ol days. Not full of over paid actors. We could use a good story about going and doing what you said you would.

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