In Which Philip Rivers Meets Larry Rivers And Your Head Explodes


by George Ducker

Larry Rivers, “Fashion & the Birds: Blue Dress”

So I was on the phone trying to explain to a female friend of mine (and a basketball fan, no less) that the beauty of football, pro or college, lies squarely in the silliness.

“Your Son May Grow To Be a Pauper” – Davie Lawson (mp3)

Note this headline regarding USC’s latest improbably named star football player: “Booty tosses four TDs as USC plows through Washington State.

O John David! At least we can thank Father Time that Reggie Bush’s running back skills are now being squandered in New Orleans. A Higher Power that is clearly vicious and Against Fun knowingly spared us the guffaws a Bush/Booty offensive line would have generated.

“New Partner (Daytrotter Session)” –Will Oldham (mp3)

Larry Rivers, “The Accident

Fun was had in Clemson, that land of perennial highway Tiger Paw action, as a 42-20 win against N.C. State was topped off with a wondrous kickoff return by Michael Allen from one end zone to the other.

The other Tigers, those No. 2-ranked folks at Louisiana State, pulled off the greatest fake field goal I’ve ever seen.

Very much like Russia surprised the U.S. with their space program, LSU holder Matt Flynn flipped the ball oh-so-nonchalantly over his shoulder to Colt David, who skated into the end zone to put the Tigers up 21-7 at the half.

Even though the game was over, Steve Spurrier had to smile, despite himself.

“That’s why I don’t read the newspaper. Because it’s garbage!”—OSU football coach Mike Gundy

On the Pro side, Los Angeles was stuck, as were many in non-football cities, with the desultory broadcast combo of Chargers / Packers or 49’ers / Steelers. This was a crime on many levels, as all anyone wanted to do was watch Detroit get trounced (51-26) by the Eagles in their original 1933 uniforms.

Comparisons, I believe, were made to many things.

“How Far We All Come Away” – Phosphorescent (mp3)

Poor Jon Kitna put up 446 passing yards at Lincoln Financial Field and his team still didn’t win. I thought for sure either him or McNabb would break some kind of per-game pass record. But nope. Ol’ Norm Van Brocklin’s record of 554 yards still stands from 1951.

Remember back when Los Angeles had a championship-winning football team? Remember when there were no televisions?

“All We Have Broken Shines” – Brightblack Morning Light (mp3)

More comparisons, John Berger style:

Philip Rivers

Larry Rivers

Philip Rivers dances

Larry Rivers “Astaire in the Air”

“Ageless Daisy” – Dr. Who Dat (mp3)

Rex Grossman’s name is now, sadly, mud. A sell-out crowd at Soldier Field could be heard chanting, “Griese! Griese!” following one of the prettiest of boy’s many interceptions.

Things are looking so bad that even Brian Urlacher can’t eat at the Cheesecake Factory for free anymore.

“Do I Still Figure in Your Life?” – Pete Dello (mp3)

Lastly, a possible future for Fox’s Football Robot has been offered in a series of Chopin-haunted Halo 3 commercials.

There he is. It’s almost sad how now, he’s gotta save the world.

“Come after me! I’m a man! I’m 40!” – OSU football coach Mike Gundy

George Ducker readily admits that you know more about sports than he does. He is a writer living in Los Angeles.

P.S. We wish Barry Bonds a fond adieu, in our way.


Danish resurrected some conspiracies.

Molly destroyed her doppleganger, then reconciled over some catnip and the new season of The Sarah Silverman Program.

Dwight gets psyched for a new season of The Office.

2 thoughts on “In Which Philip Rivers Meets Larry Rivers And Your Head Explodes

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