Meg White Doesn’t Care About Your Listening Pleasure Like We Do
by Tess Lynch
Is it too early to direct your attention (again) to the already-linked Meg White sex tape? NSFW! Not safe for anywhere! In fact, I just used this tape as contraception…and it worked (at least better than the aspirin I put between my thighs).
Anyway, I found it interesting that she seems to be watching (not watching?) the evening news, the mumbles of which are audible percussion to the flesh-slappin’ guitar strains of her Ball and Biscuit sesh (I don’t know what that means, but it’s disgusting). I’m not a musician, my knowledge of sex tapes and porn in general is unfortunately limited, and I’ve been known to find songs like “Rave On, John Donne” by Van Morrison sexy; however, I STILL think I know more about sexy soundtracks than Meg White. Without further ado, here are some ideas for your next leaked video, Meg:
1. I was going to suggest something White Stripes, for instance “I’m Finding It Harder To Be A Gentleman,” but then (with the force of a thousand duhs) I realized that McLovin’ to your ex-slash-fake-brother’s voice might be disconcerting. That said, if you’re in a band, you should DEFINITELY make out to any and all of your recordings. It’s so indulgently offensive, it’s Advanced, and that’s hott.
A working definition of Advanced.
2. I was reminded at the Spoon concert recently that “I Turn My Camera On” is one of my top sexy song picks, and think that it would add a certain, how you say, liveliness. Then again, if you’re Molly and Spoon reminds you of Dad, you might want to stick with the news. Thankfully, Spoon only reminds me of doing drugs and rocking out; these are the things that I feel are lacking from the Meg White sex tape.
3. Meg and Regine from Arcade Fire have little in common — to the naked eye, that is. Meg’s from Michigan and Regine’s Haitian, but that doesn’t mean that Meg needs to be Player Haitian: they’re both kind of Advanced (it’s on my mind), and they’re both brunette. Why not try on another hat, Meg? Why not pretend you’re married to Win Butler, but oops, here you are with another guy making a sex tape? How naughty! I recommend “Rebellion (Lies),” and six Hail Marys. Sidenote: The Arcade Fire concert at the Hollywood Bowl last Thursday was so totally awesome, AND you were allowed to bring booze inside, which I always forget. Go see them if they’re around your area, even if you’re not crazy about Neon Bible, because it’s highly possible that after the concert you will be.
Meg and Regine, or is it Regine and Meg? Just for one night, ladies. Just for one night.
4. I’m no director; a director has no place here (they burn! my eyes!). But I do know that pairing incongruous music and action was what always landed films in our highschool cinematography class, and I also know that there were no sex tapes on the syllabus…yet.
What I’m saying is, Meg, if you want to reach a broader audience, why not make your mistake into High Art? I recommend Radiohead’s “Kid A” and/or anythign by The Polyphonic Spree. Or take a chance and pick up a used copy of the score to “The Pirates of Penzance.” Also, give Vincent Gallo a call. He loves this kind of shit, I bet.
“I’ll help you with your cinema ventures, betch.”
Kevin Kline as pirate; any resemblance to Vincent Gallo did not occur to me until just now.
5. I can’t be the only person out there who feels that sex tapes often lack a certain gravitas. Where’s the drama?? Where’s the depth?? Why isn’t anyone crying (I refuse to comment further on this question)? That’s where Puccini comes in. Just stick on some Madame Butterfly , or, better, have an accompanist (PS — with regards to the link — of course teenage vegans take purity tests). Bingo: epic foreplay.
Just remember not to think of that scene in Fatal Attraction while you’re doing it.
And speaking of embarrassing things being leaked to the interweb, I went to see Mortified last Wednesday and recommend it based on the fact that since that night, I haven’t been able to get one of the participant’s exquisitely embarrassing Slam Poetry out of my head. I think it was Neil Katcher. He was dissed for prom and wrote a very grand poem about apocalyptic anger featuring the line, “Look into the eyes of the blind one! He will guide you!” So, Meg, if you want to pretend that this dates from your adolescence, you really should contact the casting department. I was thinking about doing it myself, but I already have such a good forum for discussing my underpants.
Tess Lynch is the senior contributor to This Recording. She lives in Los Angeles, California.
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Looking to make your own sex tape? This Recording on the Singles Scene.
James Blunt: quickest way to dull your libido, I think.
Vanessas Hudgens and Minnillo; it’s not a sex tape, no, not quite.
Danish didn’t know I’d use his article as an example of a sex-tape-songs goldmine — but I did! Just now!