In Which The Future Is Full of Agoraphobes

Consider This An Invitation To Our Angst-er Nation

by Tess Lynch

Goddamn you half-Japanese bots; an Aerogarden.

“They Took A Vote And Said No” — Sunset Rubdown (mp3)

This week has been bad vibesville. There was the neutral stuff, of course, like when Victoria the surly Yalie got kicked off of ANTM9 (spoiler link) and the prediction that in the near future, humans will be having lots of sex with robots. Neither here nor there, but odd nonetheless:

In 2006, Henrik Christensen, founder of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that people will be having sex with robots within five years, and Levy thinks that’s quite likely. There are companies that already sell realistic sex dolls, “and it’s just a matter of adding some electronics to them to add some vibration,” he said, or endowing the robots with a few audio responses. “That’s fairly primitive in terms of robotics, but the technology is already there.”

How owdinawy.

“Rubberband Man” — The Spinners (mp3)

Then there’s the boguesville stuff. I’m blaming it on bad juju. Anna Nicole was getting her drugs illegally! Can you believe it! The economy still sucks! The weather here is gloomy, but no one will admit it! There are more international scare campaigns, there are rats shutting down every bougie LA eatery, and this guy got sentenced to death because he let a girl be eaten by an alligator. The housing market will crash. This sucks especially if you hate your neighbors, which is likely, apparently. And on top of it all, T.I.’s in jail. Nooooooo!

T.I. in happier times.

“Love and Mercy” — Brian Wilson (mp3)

“Underground Legend” — Clinton Sparks (mp3)

It’s just seeming wise, considering the rain, the T.I., the rats and everything, to never go outside. Never. This is feasible; I’d like to show you how. Impossible? Nay!

Person: Tess, you’re kraykray. What about on Day 3 when I’m longing for food from my favorite restaurant? Surely I can go outside for that! McDonald’s doesn’t have rats [please just let me believe this], and plus, it’s the Monopoly Game season!

Level-Headed Response: Unless you plan on getting a collectible piece and sending it to us at This Recording, you do not actually *need* to go to McDonalds, because this website gives you copy-cat recipes you can cook up at home. As for the groceries, that’s why we shut-ins have Pink Dot.

“The Only Moment We Were Alone” — Explosions In The Sky (mp3)

“First Breath After A Coma” — Explosions In The Sky (mp3)

Person: I like to socialize by drinking my face off at bars and sleeping with strangers. That’s my thing; it’s what I do. How the fuck am I supposed to do that at home?!

The Oracle At Homestay: Hey, homes, you know what they charge for beer out there versus the stuff you are about to make in your bathtub? With all that extra money, you can afford a sexy robot and, you know, other stuff to help you black out.

Person: Hey, I’m so into that. But I have this job that’s actually not in my apartment.

Ouija Board: Sirma’am, you look like an entrepreneur to me. May I suggest you try a possible scam in your dirtiest pajamas?

Person: Really though, what’s the matter with you? Won’t you miss nature once you vow to never go outside again?

Sage Elder Says: For some reason, people are working hard to ensure that “going out of the house” and “seeing plants and nature” are not synonymous. When you Google “never leave the house again,” you get over 7 million responses; this is no accident, this is the wave of the future. If you enjoy OUTDOOR plants, imagine how much you’ll enjoy INDOOR plants in your AeroGarden, which has been blowing my mind for 15 solid minutes. You can even enjoy life as a shut-in if you’re vegan, with the help of an indoor organic vegetable garden. Vegans are a part of my staying-indoors plan.

Do you think he’s a vegan?

Person: But I have lunch with T.I. on Thursday, and if I can’t leave the house —

Genius With All The Answers: No, that’s what I’m saying! He’s in jail; there’s really no reason to leave anymore!

Person: Oh my God. That’s…true.

Tess Lynch is the contributing editor at This Recording. She appears to be checking out the boobs on the girl next to her in the video below, but she swears she was looking past them.

9 thoughts on “In Which The Future Is Full of Agoraphobes

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