In Which The Southern Dynasties Are Reconsidered In Light Of Beer And Beef Stroganoff And Ultimately The ALCS

Sports Corner: Week 7

by George Ducker

Greetings, greetings, from Greenville, South Carolina where I had the good fortune to spend a long weekend deep in the pelvic reaches of SEC /ACC country.

Rich Brooks is not a happy man. Kentucky is not a happy place. Perhaps someone could find him his nose.

In addition to being the birthplace of Charles Townes, the inventor the maser, Greenville is also home to local “Community Journal” magnate Doug J. Greenlaw. His previous company has helped keep the yellow first-down laser slashing across television screens for over ten years.

The Gamecocks could have used more first down lasers.

I also got spend some quality time on the couch with my father, who is also named George Ducker. Together we managed two straight days of couch immersion: brownies were consumed, spy novels disregarded, naps were taken with gusto and the occasional curse word was hurled at the television.

“Stuck Between Stations” — The Hold Steady (mp3)

“Certain Songs” — The Hold Steady (mp3)

Ladies and gentlemen we are sitting here listening to Tribble Reese.

My father is vehemently against the BCS system, as I imagine many are. I’m still too confused by the labyrinthine processes of picks and selections. ESPN defines the BCS ranking method as such:

“Team percentages are derived by dividing a team’s actual voting points by a maximum 2850 possible points in the Harris Interactive Poll and 1575 possible points in the USA Today Coaches Poll.”

“Killer Parties” — The Hold Steady (mp3)

“Chicago Seemed Tired Last Night” — The Hold Steady (mp3)

“Six computer rankings calculated in inverse points order (25 for #1, 24 for #2, etc.) are used to determine the overall computer component. The best and worst ranking for each team is dropped, and the remaining four are added and divided by 100 (the maximum possible points) to produce a Computer Rankings Percentage.”

DeSean Jackson

I told my father what I’d read.

He: Where’d you hear that?

Me: What do you think Dad? Isn’t the BCS just based on some kind of archaic caste system?

He: I don’t think so, son. What are you talking about?

Me: Why isn’t Clemson in the Top 25?

He: They haven’t played anybody worth a damn. And they’ve lost two.

Me: But Ohio State hasn’t played anybody either. South Carolina’s lost three and they’ll probably be in the top 20 come Monday

He: They’ve got Spurrier.

Me: But they’re losing!

He: Oh hell.

Perhaps the only thing the rankings and the polls system serve is to give people reasons to grouse. Not unlike Pitchfork’s snootily predictable album rankings, if the BCS didn’t exist, we’d just have to complain about other things. Like coaching staffs, or groundskeeping.

Charles Townes, maser, James P. Gordon, 1955

Guess photo still by Wayne Maser, 1987

In the way of professional football, CBS should fire anyone and everyone associated with the late-game travesty that was their coverage of the Houston –Tennessee game.

“Electric Funeral” – Super Numeri: mp3

With 1.57 or so to go and Texas primed for a fast comeback, the network CUT AWAY to Shannon Sharpe, Boomer, Dan Marino and the rest. For the next half hour, we had to watch five grown men in suits that cost more than my car WATCH A TELEVISION off-screen and REACT to it.

Sage Rosenfels

They explained it as something having to do with being “contractually obligated.” Boo.

“Better Man” — Pearl Jam (mp3)

A game they couldn’t have cut away from sooner.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, what with the Texans scoring miraculously and then the Titans driving straight back down the field to win the game (all in under 1.47), CBS then CUTS BACK to the field for the post-game interview with Titan kicker Rob Bironas who’d distinguished himself in some way or another but I couldn’t hear as I was too busy screaming myself hoarse at the television.

N.D Kalu watches the last kick. What about us?

Perhaps this was just a regional thing, and so I’m not sure if anyone else noticed it all, or even cared. Does either team really have fans?

I can’t think of any

Thusly, the Heidi award goes to CBS sports:

George Ducker admits you know more about sports than he does. He feels that cable plans are too expensive these days.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Life became too unreal to deal with properly.

2006 was a good year for music.

After the Jewish holiday, a chance to eat.