In Which We See Nothing Shameful About Watching Cruel Intentions 3

Lard and the Real Girl

by Molly Lambert

Mmmmm…..pudgy. Perfect for cupcaking.

I am telling you, someone cast this man in a Harry Nilsson biopic stat. Does P.T. Anderson have a next project lined up yet? This is a golden opportunity to strike while the iron’s fat!

Mark Wahlberg is replacing Ryan Gosling in the Peter Jackson directed adaptation of Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones.

“Creative Differences” were cited, which is usually code for not getting along with the director but it turns out P.J. just thought Gosling had Jake LaMotta’d out too hard and didn’t look old enough:

“Peter Jackson was said to be quite surprised that Gosling had showed up to start work on “The Lovely Bones” looking like he’d donned a fat suit. According to sources, the 26-year-old Gosling had apparently told the director he was going to gain weight to age himself up to play the part of a grieving father, but Jackson was still expecting some movie star allure — not paunch and a beard.”

Feel the vibration, you pretty blond betch!

I’m not sure Mark Wahlberg will work better. He’s a great ensemble actor who makes a bad lead. I think it’s because his “persona” is that of an arrogant guy who is also really dumb. As a blank foil for other characters, like in The Departed and Boogie Nights, he’s consistently great. As a leading man/anti-hero, like in Shooter or Planet Of The Apes, he’s kind of a Bohunk lox. We hope RyGoz keeps the twenty pounds and the beard he grew for the part anyway. In other tragic Gosling news, he and Rachel McAdams broke up for realsies. Does love really exist? We will get back to you.

The Informers, Bret Easton Ellis’s short story collection that nobody ever talks about (a licky boom boom down?) is getting made into a movie with one of the most random casts in recent memory, including Billy Bob Thornton, Ashley Olsen, Chris Isaak, Kim Basinger, John From Cincinnati, Brandon Routh, Winona Ryder and Mickey Rourke. Sounds like Short Cuts 2! Or Cruel Intentions 3, which we are watching right now on Lifetime no homo.

The thought of these two people kissing is so weird and gross.

Zooey Deschanel to make out with Jim Carrey (ew!) in a new movie that will no doubt suck, but it won’t be her fault.

Feminism makes everything better, including sex, which apparently proves women also have ideas!

Kill The Snark is watching horror movies every day of October.

The looming WGA strike is dividing writers into Sharks (TV) and Jets (film).

Cheating on your wife? Lame. Cheating on your wife while she has cancer and you’re running for president? Even lamer.

New noses on The Hills, same old dark souls. Oh and Spencer is a douche, and grass is green.

I’m a therious actor now you guyth! I’m thuper therial!

John Tierney is a GOSSIP GRRRRL

Superman that ohhhhhhh wait what? Sick.

Most Gag-Inducing Line From the new Alice Sebold novel The Almost Moon:

A. ‘And there it was, the hole that had given birth to me.’
B. ‘This was not the first time I’d been face-to-face with my mother’s genitalia.’
C. ‘In the last decade, I had become my mother’s official enema-giver.’
D. ‘A surge of lust shot through me as I held it [her dead mother’s sagging breast], as pure as an infant’s appetite.’

Spooky Autumnal Post-Rock from Texas, courtesy of Explosions in the Sky. This is their awesome third album, The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place, in its entirety:

First Breath After Coma – Explosions In The Sky: mp3

The Only Moment We Were Alone – Explosions In The Sky: mp3

Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean – Explosions In The Sky: mp3

Memorial – Explosions In The Sky: mp3

Your Hand In Mine – Explosions In The Sky: mp3

Molly Lambert is Senior Editor of This Recording. Last night she ate half a pint of ice cream, no homo.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Molly gave the lie to the Conchords.

Molly versus Arthur Miller.

Molly loves the Women of Warcraft.

6 thoughts on “In Which We See Nothing Shameful About Watching Cruel Intentions 3

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