In Which Owen Wilson Is Seen For Exactly Who He Is And Why Won’t Gawker Post The Sighting Already

Real Talk:

Owen Wilson on Wooster Street

by Alex Carnevale & Will Hubbard

After Will experienced the trauma of almost getting run over by none other than Mr. Zeitgeist himself, Owen Wilson, we sat down for a one-on-one interview to discuss Owen, Kate, whether or not Kate’s mom is hot, Wes, Faulkner, Hubbard, Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong, and a host of other topics.

WH: Owen Wilson is free! Ten minutes ago he almost hit me on his bicycle on Wooster Street.

AC: Wow. Just…wow.

the carne asada cart right near owen’s bicycle

WH: It was a baby blue beach cruiser; I assume he was on his way to Jamba Juice for an Acai Antioxidant Blast with Energy Shot. He had some silly little goatee thing going, but he looked healthy. There was a dark haired, chubbier fellow with him–I mean it all happened so fast. Unfortunately I didn’t have the poem I wrote for him on hand, because I think he would have been touched. Do you like poetry, Owen?

AC: Were you able to detect whether or not Owen seemed depressed?

WH: He sort of looked lackadaisical, like he didn’t have anywhere in particular to go. I suppose his calendar is pretty wide open at this point. He definitely didn’t look happy, but that may have had something to do with the cobblestones. Shouldn’t he be on extended vacation in the Seychelles?

AC: He probably should be, but Owen’s all about keeping it real. That is why he’s dating Jessica Simpson after all. The only thing more disturbing that the image of those two having rough sex is the revelation in today’s Page Six that Lance Armstrong is hooking up with Ashley Olsen. The only thing weirder is Charlie Sheen and anyone. Now that becoming an idolator of Bob Creeley is out of the picture, what’s Owen’s next move? Scientology? Kabbalah?

What exactly about Kate Hudson do you think he found so irresistible?

Sloth love Chunk

WH: He definitely needs to lose himself in a cause. I mean believing in global warming is the same thing as believing in the Cabal, or aliens, right? I think some good Modernist literature would fix him up just fine. I wonder if he’s ever read Faulkner? Kate Hudson just has nice abs; her face is as busted as her mom’s. Why won’t Gawker post my fucking sighting already?! Slackers. Jessica Simpson, sheesh. “Owen I don’t care about your crooked nose or your existential misery, I just love you forever.”

AC: Yeah, global warming is made up. Speaking of Faulkner, I read a quote from him today that could provide solace to Owen in this very difficult time. “If I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard. Nothing hates him or envies him or wants him or needs him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat anything.” Well put, Billy boy. Who do you think is a better writer, you or Faulkner? Wait, don’t answer that.

I also agree that Kate Hudson is overrated, I mean, she looked totally weird in the movie she did with Owen. That movie was terrible, but I watched the whole thing, and I even considered watching it again one time. It would have been a lot better if Sandra Bullock had played Kate’s part, though. Also Vince Vaughn should have played Fred Claus in it.

WH: True. Also, there was a rumor Kate has six toes.

let’s make some bad career decisions people

AC: Ain’t nothing wrong with an extra toe. Now that Owen’s dating Jessica, I guess he’s bound to get herpes. The only positive result I could see coming from that development would be that he would be forced to get to know women better before sleeping with them. There is one other positive possible result of that; marriage to Jessica Alba of course. Who do you think would make a good couple with Owen, and please say a brunette.

WH: As the great Greek poet Cavafy says “sexual pleasure will have much to teach him.”

AC: I always think that you can see it coming.

WH: Sexual pleasure?

AC: Enlightenment.

SONGS TO ROUSE OWEN OUT OF HIS DEPRESSION

“Slowly Growing Old” — Alasdair Roberts (mp3)

“He Poos Clouds” — Final Fantasy (mp3)

“Oh! You Pretty Things” — David Bowie (mp3)

Goldie Hawn on Laugh In

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Tess is way more adorable than Goldie or Kate.

10 songs that wrote us in the history books.

Love’s either simple or impossible. If you have to ask for it, that just means it’s impossible.

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8 thoughts on “In Which Owen Wilson Is Seen For Exactly Who He Is And Why Won’t Gawker Post The Sighting Already

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