In Which Our Athletes Try To Make Up For The Racist People That Watch Them Through Greatness

Bad Rap 

by Alex Carnevale

One of the more malicious aspects of white racism is the assumption of innocence on the part of its perpetrators.

“I’m not a racist,” white people (to whose grouping I sadly belong) whine to each other in their pathetic voices. (They all sort of sound like Jason Alexander.) “I just happen to call black and hispanic athletics lazy or less intelligent than their white counterparts. I just happen to disproportionately criticize black and hispanic athletics who make more money than I do.”

Take the case of one Alex Rodriguez, himself a Dominican born in America.

Rodriguez is well on his way to becoming the best player in baseball history. In two of the last four years he’s been the american league’s most valuable player. He’s a well-mannered, intelligent man who is a voracious reader and
spectacular athlete. He also makes a lot of money.

Their sex has been likened to two high tech submarines in a deep water firefight, with plenty of K-Y.

Since Alex is the best player in the game, it should be no coincidence he makes the most money. And compared to what the white owners of teams are making, he ain’t making much. Endorsement deals add to the windfall, but like all ballplayers, Alex is a businessman.During the World Series, Alex exercised an opt out clause in his contract. (Alex was excoriated for his bad timing; at the very same time Yankee management was loudly and annoyingly conducting a managerial search that had already been predetermined the moment George Steinbrenner tore into Joe Torre after a game in which Canadian soldier flying ants seemingly stole a win from the Yankees.)

Joe Torre and his brother Frank in their playing days. These guys could seriously be my uncles, it was either baseball or run a lucrative series of laundromats.

At the time, Alex was choosing between the following two options:

1) Play out a 3 year, 81 million dollar contract and become a free agent at 35.

2) Throw that contract in the trash, and sign a new 10 year contract approaching 300 million.

Is it really any surprise he wanted the latter? Is there any person in history who would not have done as he did?

Yet Alex is derided as greedy for wanting to be paid well for his services!

Without getting into an elaborate discussion about how MLB teams hold down salaries artificially-I’m not aware of this practice being done in other businesses outside of sports, although I’m sure it happens-the reception Alex’s trip into free agency received from the New York media, especially the vile Mike Lupica of the Daily News, was pathetic.

C-Rod and A-Rod use five tubes of chapstick per day. True story. Also, A-Rod is bi and swings and his wife is cool with that, she’s the freakin’ best.

The fact is, baseball is awash in revenue. Should the white owners really get a savings they pass on to no one, or should they pay Alex the percentage of the profits he is owed in the context of a free market for his services?

Still, there’s no need to feel sorry for A-Rod. He’s an excellent man and businessman and he’s going to be just fine, even if the white New York media slams him at every opportunity for being selfish and greedy. As if the ownership, raking in billions from the YES televison network were more deserving of the money than the player who carried his team to the playoffs and more guaranteed revenue!

In the end, he got what he wanted and I am happy he will be playing less than a mile from my bathroom.

“Sure Looks Good to Me” — Alicia Keys (mp3)

“The Thing About Love” — Alicia Keys (mp3)

Alex and wife Cynthia. Don’t hate the player, don’t hate the game.

More sinister is the desire to tear down our supermen, to level the playing field. Sports is, like it or not, a helpful dramedic version of real-world problems like racism, sexism, and civil rights. It has been since the beginning.

It’s too bad they already did the Will Smith Ali, because a 50 cent as Ali biopic with him rapping about Vietnam would probably implode my brain entirely.

I feel worse for another highly compensated New York athlete, Stephon Marbury.

Like fellow point guard Allen Iverson, Marbury has long been charged with the ‘lazy’ tag. When you hear a white columnist call a black player lazy (this happens nearly every day) you know you’re about to read something so completely misinformed, you might as well put the paper in the trash.

The sports media and fans have a general tradition of putting the blame for losing on a team’s best player. This happened for many years to Kevin Garnett and the Minnesota Timberwolves, and it’s a historical problem in baseball, especially with black athletes like Jim Rice and Albert Belle. It also happened to Ted Williams. The problem lies partly in the NBA’s salary cap. The team’s best player can be so expensive that he often doesn’t leave enough room in the budget for other great players to be signed.

“I’m white, so I don’t pose a threat to your family’s welfare.”

In the case of the Knicks, the insane ownership has generally been more concerned with calling their female employees ‘bitch’ and forcing their employees to watch their moronic band play than bringing the payroll under the salary cap.

Marbury had a bit of a rough summer. He was pulled into court to testify regarding accusations by a senior African-American female executive against team president Isiah Thomas.

Isiah Thomas before villainy 

Stephon himself had slept with an intern last season and so was kind of embarassed about that. And after defending his racist, sexist boss Isiah Thomas. And he was also ripped apart in the press for his place in these events, as well as a series of quotes that had him proclaming he wanted to play in Italy after his contract was up.

Marbury was once the Knicks’ best player. He’s not anymore, but for the team to be playoff-caliber, he probably needs to play thirty minutes a game at a high level, and be the team’s starting point guard. He didn’t deserve to be supplanted 5 games into the season. After sticking with his pathetic boss through the entire mess, Isiah turned on his guy and benched two weeks ago before a game in Phoenix. Marbury left the team and was fined $195,000. Marbury’s now back in the starting lineup, and the Knicks haven’t won since.


Bill Clinton liked interns, and he’ll be sticking cigars in someone soon enough, while Starbury rides the pine.

I feel for Stephon. He had some bad luck in his career. Beginning it in godforsaken Minnesota wasn’t exactly starting things off with a bang. Now that he’s joined up with Isiah Thomas, he’s in an even tougher spot, because the media remembers that Isiah was a great player, and is far more reluctant to criticize the man who put together this terrible team than the team’s starting point guard. Guess who gets the short end of the microphone?

This goes out to all my fans. My shit is factorial.

Sports Illustrated calls Stephon selfish on a weekly basis. Trust me, they are not doing this to white athletes. Sam Smith had the balls to blame the Knicks’ problems on him! New York had another hit piece on Stephon recently:

It was the eve of the first day of Knicks training camp. Marbury was registered at the hotel as “JCIMS.” The initials stand for “Jesus Christ Is My Savior,” which contrasted with the self-aggrandizing travel monikers Marbury used to give himself, variations on his “Starbury” nickname. He seemed genuinely excited about the Knicks and his own rebirth. “This is the most I’ve ever looked forward to playing a season in the NBA, by far,” he said. We spoke for two hours, and Marbury was by turns effusive, defensive, and simply bizarre. We talked about the day this summer he was born again, June 29. We talked about the Bible. “I’m in Genesis,” he said. “I’m reading from the front of the book. Genesis is hot.” He invited me to church with him in Canarsie.


“If I didn’t play the way how I played, I wouldn’t have gotten no max contract,” he said. “They can talk about whatever they wanna talk about me, because I got maxed. I’m a max player. Don’t get mad at me, because I’m telling you what’s real. One plus one is two, all day long, and it’s never gonna change. And that’s factorial.” 

We still love you Stephon. After all the hijinks with Isiah, Stephon rushed to the bedside of New York basketball legend and mentor Mr. Lou after he heard he was deathly ill, and he made inexpensive sneakers available to young people under his Starbury brand

“Where Do We Go From Here” — Alicia Keys (mp3)

“Like You’ll Never See Me Again” — Alicia Keys (mp3)

Oh Paul, you are one humorous fellow!

There’s still hope for Stephon, and the reason we know that is the triumvirational bond of man-love that is the Boston Celtics.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He supports Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett in whatever project they take on next. Go C’s. Happy Thanksgiving.


Did you know that Paul Rudd is Jewish? Would you like to know more?

Yes, I was burned so I called it a lesson learned.

The Duke on his pre-Duke days.

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