In Which Our Guest Contributor Makes It Work All Over Again

The Auf’in’, The Spit and The Wardrobe

by Tyler Coates

On last week’s Project Runway we were promised a very special judge / pop-culture icon to grace the designers’ presence, and, whaddaya know, we got Sarah Jessica Parker.

As a member of the three percent of the population who only occasionally watches Sex and the City reruns on TBS strictly to giggle at the way the censors dub over Samantha’s cursing, my immediate reaction was, “Meh.”

My second reaction was, “Where did I read that the guest judge was Jon Bon Jovi, and why I am slightly disappointed?”

The episode definitely raised a lot of personal questions, but now is not the time or the place.

“Gimme Some Salt” — Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (mp3)

“The People — Common featuring Dwele (mp3)

I was excited, however, to see that the designers were working in teams, which always makes for drama, which on Bravo shows it always more exciting because it’s of the gayer variety.

I’d been underwhelmed with the first episode; none of the designers – or the designs, for that matter – were particularly interesting, and I figured teaming them up and watching them wreak havoc upon each others’ designs was just what this competition needed to spark my interest. And, of course, there wasn’t any fighting. How is it that every other reality show has incorporated fist-fights, yet the people on this one can’t even manage to poke each other with sewing needles? The craziest thing to happen was Elisa’s “spit-marks,” which, in the grand scheme of things, was rather tame. I’d be more satisfied if she’d spit across the room at one of the other designers (I’d have chosen Christian), but she’s too focused on putting her own energy onto her garment or something.

And I the only one who thinks it’s slightly hypocritical for “Sweet P” to question from which planet Elisa hails? Pot-kettle, my dear. Which cute biker gang came up with your nickname?

While there aren’t any designers I’m totally in love with, there’s at least one I hate: Christian.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that I hope Christian’s asymmetrical hair somehow gets caught in a sewing machine, although I did think it was cute that he picked Carmen as his partner, as they both have the same haircut as Kelis.

And while I don’t hate Ricky (even though he’s a CRYBABY), I do hate his unfortunate taste in headgear.

Like the first episode, I felt like the designs were kind of boring. I was impressed to see that the “marriage” of crazy between Elisa and Sweet P actually worked out well. I’d like to admit I have a soft spot for Elisa, as she proves that sometimes even hippies can do great things:

Well, greatness is relative on this show.

And the stupidity that Elisa and Sweet P shared was totes adorable; not only did Sweet P not know what “polymorphic” meant, Elisa said the word “juxposition,” (yes, juxposition) which I’m going to start using in as many blog posts as possible. (I’m no linguist, but I’m pretty sure most blogger contractions are born out of reality show confessionals.)

When you Google Image “juxtaposition,” they supply this working example. Juxposition is something different.

The only other design that really stood out for me was Marion and Stephen’s burlap sack.

That shiz was all over the place: the top half looked like Jennifer Beals’s sweater in Flashdance, while I expected the bottom half to come alive and attack that poor model just like that fur coat in Ghostbusters II.

Do you know what “anthropomorphic” means, Sweet P?

And even though I thought it was the worst dress, I found it pretty ironic that SJP said it looked “drastic” even though you know Carrie will be wearing something similar as a nightshirt in the upcoming Sex and the City movie. Now that Marion has been “auf’d,” Stephen is officially the creepiest designer:

I will admit that – relatively speaking – the judging panel was pretty phenomenal. I was so happy Heidi confronted Carmen and made her decide who in her team should go home. Up until then, the most dramatic thing about this episode was seeing a fat man cry upon Sarah Jessica’s arrival.

And god bless SJP; her reaction to Carmen’s breakdown (“You’re asking me to make a CHOICE?!”) was like seeing her watch Sophie’s Choice for the first time. C’mon, people; this isn’t life or death. I think at this point we know that the only thing up for grabs in this competition is continued obscurity and a brand-new Saturn. The next time Sarah Jessica thinks she has the balls to decide a reality show contestant’s fate, she should watch a few episodes of America’s Next Top Model and take on Tyra’s.

“Deceptacon” — Le Tigre (mp3)

“You Only Live Once” — The Strokes (mp3)

The Auschwitz of Fashion:

Tyler Coates is a writer living in Chicago. He blogs at Too Much Awesome. This is his first appearance in these pages.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

Our country girl Elisabeth on childhood.

Becca on 3:10 To Yuma.

Tess is a scientist.

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