In Which We Analyze The Breakdown of Jakob and Julia

Julia for Beginners

by Alex Carnevale and Rebecca Wiener

As most everyone knows by now, the unholy union of Julia Allison and [redacted] has come to an end. TR senior editor Rebecca Wiener and I sat down for a hard talk about what happened.

Alex: I read Julia’s blog every day, and so do you. Why do you read her blog? Do you like her?
Becca: She is talented at personality, at garnering empathy. I read her blog because she tells me everything! With pictures and flashbacks and videos. No one tells me everything.
Alex: Actually, I try to.
Becca: True, but you don’t often have photographic evidence. And you are self-aware enough to cover up a lot of the bad.

Alex: Not cool, you said you didn’t want to see my dirty videos. You think she’s not self-aware? To what extent do you think the web Julia is or is not the real Julia?
Becca: That’s hard. I think it’s very much the real Julia, almost entirely.
Alex: Do you think any of what’s out there posits a dark side, or do you think she just doesn’t have a dark side? Like you come across as the ultra confident editor of Heeb, but in reality I once saw you eat a baby.

Becca looking kinda bossy

Becca: I think she is a Gestalt work of art.
Alex: Is lodwick a heeb?
Becca: I think not? Brit-y?
Alex: An all gentile relationship? That kind of grosses me out.
Becca: Yes, that was their downfall. They need a Jew in the mix. A Jew with many years of therapy who can tell them what’s what.
Alex: That’s where I come in, except I’m emotionally stunted. Everyone either wants to be a Jew or wants a Jew inside them.

Becca: What do you think was the appeal of Jakob to Julia?
Alex: Well, at the beginning of their relationship, it was clear he didn’t want to make a commitment to her. And then he saw that her notoriety could be his. That’s precisely why it’s so lame he implies he ditched her because of it. I kinda think the Grinch was the last straw.

Jakob and Julia sitting down for a traditional dinner

Becca: I think the video was the last straw, the Grinch was just beyond. I think the video made him realize just how different their aesthetic and sense of humor is. And he didn’t like that she was sort of stealing his life-changing event out from under him. Losing a job at a place you helped found has to be hard and weird, and she was simplifying and owning it.
Alex: That’s true…did you see the video?
Becca: Yes, I’m sorry you didn’t have a chance to.

meow roar blog

Alex: I accept your apology. Explain the video.
Becca: He was lying on his bed, without a shirt, as he is wont to do. And she’s talking to him about his identity and how he’s going to do great things. It ended with “I Will Survive,” and sparkles. And a quote from Ricky about how Jakob will do great things. “Great Things” was sort of the theme. Jakob also talked about how Julia took care of him. And then Julia pans to herself grinning.
Alex: That does sound like a mean video, but whatever, he’s way more of a dick.

Becca: True, but it wasn’t good.
Alex: Maybe she was projecting some anger subconsciously?
Becca: Yes, I do believe so. She wanted to prove to us that she was taking care of him and that he would be fine, and thus, they would be fine. Also, because he didn’t tell her about how he was fired, she was probably scrambling to reframe the situation, so she was involved. What do you think?

Alex: I think you’re a genius. It’s kind of the Knocked Up thing, in reverse. Ambitious men don’t want ambitious women. Everyone is really sensitive, and jealous. I am like the only one who is not.
Becca: Right, you are superior to all men.
Alex: I’m not really that ambitious, I just crush a lot. How do you and your boyfriend Morgan work in the same field and avoid this?
Becca: We don’t avoid this. I throw my ambition everywhere, it gets a little messy.
Alex: If I were your boyfriend, I’d probably dump you for a perky little thing fresh out of Wesleyan.

“Ready To Follow You” — Dana Dawson (mp3)

“Crush” — Mandy Moore (mp3)

Abby Horton (film studies) sports a Thom Browne New York cashmere scarf, $1,200. At Barneys New York. Bergdorf Goodman. Proenza Schouler merino wool dress, $975. At Bergdorf Goodman. Balenciaga belt and boots. Fogal socks. Athletic wear from the Wesleyan Athletic Department.

Becca: Sigh. You probably would.
Alex: Nah, I don’t date girls with short hair to begin with.
Becca: Also true. Why is that, Alex?
Alex: I’m heterosexual.
Becca: Or so homosexual that you cannot be faced with a possibly confusing situation.
Alex: Yes, either one.
Becca: Look, basically, they’re just not right for each other. Perhaps they’ve helped other couples who are horribly matched come to that realization about their own relationships.

give me your eyes i need sunshine

Alex: Remember that post where she acted nostalgic for a past relationship? If some betch did that to me, I’d probably be so freaked out I’d buy her tickets to a children’s Christmas spectacular. So either it worked or not. What kind of bf do you think she will seek out now? What’s a traditional rebound off a person like this?
Becca: I hope she’ll go back to older, rich and fawning.
Alex: Who did she date before?
Becca: Politicians, i-bankers. I’m sort of guessing, but sort of not.
Alex: It’s too bad Julia probably won’t date another blogger, because if these last few months have taught me anything, it’s that I am perfect.

Rebecca Wiener is the senior editor of This Recording. Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. We would like to wish our bloggeur friend Julia the best.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

More on existential crises.

Having a hard conversation with my mother.

Our experience with brotherly love.

6 thoughts on “In Which We Analyze The Breakdown of Jakob and Julia

  1. But Becca is so much cuter than a long-haired Wesleyan woman! And she doesn’t live life in A Mushroom Haze! On a different note, JAllz gives me hair envy.

  2. I thought one reader letter to J&J summarized their relationship (and all relationships) pretty succintly

    “He’s not really handsome and you’re not really talented. He’s not really kind and you’re not really funny. But you are both very, very driven and find each other sexy.”

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