In Which You Have The Body Of A Premature Infant And You Look STUNNING

Baby’s First Crash Diet

by Tess Lynch



Crash diets are a terrible idea, okay? But aren’t they sort of fascinating? I was watching Super Skinny Me and really thought that the colonics, the gross watercress soup, and the Saran-wrap steam shower paled in comparison to good, old-fashioned, crazy crash diets. Some of my favorites:



The Cheeseburger Diet

Everyone thinks they invented this one, but in fact it’s been around since the invention of the cheeseburger, when people realized that its powers were enough to make anyone fat. There had to be a way to incorporate this King of Foods into a crash diet, and so it was borne: the cheeseburger crash diet. I’ve heard of two variations: you get one meal a day, and it is either a) a Cheeseburger Happy Meal with a Diet Coke, or b) A Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and small fries from Wendy’s and a diet coke. For the rest of the day, you drink unsweetened tea (diuretic!) and water. ENJOY.

Double the burgers you’ll see today.

Sugar Blaster — The Starlight Mints (mp3)

The Four-Day Wonder Diet

I went on this diet in sixth grade, that’s how ahead of the times I was. I went into sugar-shock when I broke this diet with a dozen or so Pillsbury Cinnamon Buns; however, I looked great fainting. The awful thing about this diet is it’s sort of like a modified Atkins thing with LOTS of grapefruit and coffee. You’ve never been so tired in your life.


Our Singer — Pavement (mp3)

The Thinking Person’s Diet

Jack LaLanne had a theory that anxiety makes your body story energy as fat, and that 90% of obesity is due to stress. And here I thought it was food! Basically, you wake up and pump yourself up for the day, congratulating yourself on living through another night, and then stay positive until you collapse in a heap at the end of it. The bad thing about this diet is that I have no faith in it working, and the good thing is — theoretically — you can just sort of avoid overprocessed food, eat kinda-healthy-whatever, and set your sights on being really happy all of the time.

Proto-Jack Lalanne

Get Ayds

Ohmygod you guys, the 1950’s were so funny. There was a weight-loss pill called AYDS. This was obviously taken off the market in the 80’s, when people were trying to avoid Ayds by using condoms. However, this Ayds sounds delicious (chocolate mint?).

Be safe…take Ayds

Velvet Waltz — Built To Spill (mp3)

Juice Fasts

I count among this oeuvre of diets the terrifying Master Cleanse, which many people I know have tried with varying results. I wish I could ask them about the side effects, but you have to know someone really well to get into the side effects of the Master Cleanse. For instance, there is laxative tea involved (here’s a testimonial: I drank the tea. Ugh. My stomach is moving like crazy right now and I just KNOW I am gonna hate myself in the morning – or in the middle of the night. If I even make it to the middle of the night, now that I think about it). If I were going to do a liquid diet, I’d definitely include Frosties (for calcium!); in fact, my new research suggests that almost all dieting can be done at Wendy’s.

Just needs some gin; totally would render the diet more effective.

The “No Time For Eating” Diet

This is my favorite diet, but it really hinges on you being both unemployed and lethargic. The logic is: your body is tired and needs energy, be it from a bowl of Fritos dipped in peanut butter or a long nap. But what if you’re never tired…because you sleep almost literally all the time? I tried this diet when I was working in P.R., and it totally sucked; however, the luxurious life of freelancing has the perk that you can keep your own hours, and if you feel like scaling your waking hours back to, oh, say, 10 or so hours a day, you don’t even have time to eat twice. AND your eyes are less puffy. The only way to screw up this diet is by eating your one meal a day at The Cheesecake Factory, in which case you will actually *gain* weight, against all laws of nature and physics. What do they put in those Navajo sandwiches?!



Disclaimer: Diets can also make you fat.

Prefer exercise? Maybe I just found your new workout:

Tess Lynch is bad at moderation.


Need a guru? Maybe one of our many contributors fits the bill.

Darjeeling tea to curb your appetite.

Overtalking syndrome is worse than a Fatburger binge

2 thoughts on “In Which You Have The Body Of A Premature Infant And You Look STUNNING

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