In Which Cloverfield Is Not There

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Cloverfield Cloverfields Even The Biggest Cloverfield

by Alex Carnevale

Cloverfield

84 min

dir. Matt Reeves

After I finished watching Cloverfield mere blocks from where some of the monster’s most destructive destruction occurs, the patrons of the 68th Street cinema began to hiss and boo. “That’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen,” said an Asian gentleman who had consumed an entire box of junior mints during the preview.

Nine years ago, people seemed slightly less disgusted by The Blair Witch Project. To be fair, Blair Witch did have some scary moments.

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the statue of…gosh, what is it again? change? statue of 9/11? what was that thing named?

If a movie can’t entertain the dumb people I was sitting with, I have to condemn it on general principle. I could have jangled keys for a half hour and they’d have stayed with me.

On the other hand, I do love reading message board comments about Cloverfield:

Both my dad and I are of the mind that this movie is a bit too high brow for people to really appreciate

To those of you bashing rob for running to try and save beth…you are retarded…if you’ve ever been in love with someone then you would know that you’re life doesn’t matter to you very much when that person is in danger…..anyways, good movie….btw, did anyone else see the thing come crashing in from the sky into the ocean on the top right of the screen during the last scene (the one where rob and beth are at cony island)?

they were talking about why this movie isn’t political, but isn’t it just one big argument against gun control? your cell phone will not save you, you rich fucking yuppie

WHY WAS IS CALLED CLOVERFIELD. That is the question.

I just came back from the movie.. all I have to say is.. THE MOVIE WAS F***ING AWESOME!!! It’s a must see theater movie (or DVD) if you watch it when it comes out bootlegged, you just ruined a movie that is a new modern classic. I bet if the movie was Rated R (like it was suppose to be according to interview) I think the movie would have been twice as better and it should have been longer also.

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a monster could really get me to dump my current boyfriend for my best friend, oops!

Not to get too aimless with the pronouncements, but this is the Hotel Chevalier of monster movies. (That sounds smart, but I can pretty much do it with anything. “It’s the Annie Hall of monster movies.” Ooh, I’d like to see that one. Make it happen.)

It doesn’t help that all the actors are totally unsympathetic, and the girl from The Class and Mean Girls sticks out like a sore thumb. She is the brunette Gretchen Mol. See, I did it again.

I’m in a fucking Lancome commercial?!

This movie is made for gentiles. You see if something like this were to go down, my Jewish friends would round me up into their cabal and we’d all head down to Atlantic City for the weekend, let this little problem blow over.

The blame for this one has to fall on J.J. Abrams. More an idea-generator than an idea finisher, his planned take on the Star Trek universe already looks terrible, like if G.I. Joe were to become Apocalypse Now.

Here’s a really cool drawing of the monster. (Note: this is not the actual monster, it’s more of conceptual piece.)

I promised someone special that I would not post pictures of it. It’s not a bad monster or anything, and it’s interesting enough to deserve a backstory. Why they didn’t just give us a taste of that is 100 percent Abrams. The motherfucker always smells sequel. He is the eternal sequel.

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tom the all black look is classic, you’re like an actual martian

MI:III was far from the original De Palma oomph, and he long ago signed off on ownership of Lost, which had a dreadful beginning to it anyway. He’s never been great shakes as a director, Armageddon and Alias both sucked…what is this guy good at, exactly? Marketing campaigns?

Suggested titles for the proposed sequel:

Cloverfield 2: There Could Be An Additional Monster, You Will Have to Pay to Find Out

Cloverfield Deux: I Bet You Didn’t Think We’d Get To Do One of These

The Return to Cloverfield: The Benry Gale Story

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My guess is he got married while he was writing Regarding Henry and wasn’t sure if he was going to make it in Hollywood

Here’s a short list of projects and concepts I am eager for Abrams NOT to adopt as his own:

– Spielberg’s Hook. I know no one would remake this in their right mind, but I am just saying.

The Prisoner. This classic British series is a dying for a makeover. This is actually right up J.J.’s alley. Don’t do it you short little fuck.

Babylon 5. This series is getting reinvigorated by being available on iTunes and it’s a great and mysterious universe that Abrams would probably really like to add sunglasses to.

Remembrance of Things Past. Just say no.

The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Why do I have this bad feeling that somehow I am the butterfly flapping its wings in getting this adapted by Abrams. (This already has its best possible film adaptation in The Royal Tenenbaums. The E.L. Konigsburg fanboys have already been pacified!) Plus, I don’t even know how you do viral marketing–have kids hide out in places after closing?

Also, any movie that makes me view OdetteYustman.net is categorically evil.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

P.S. I am still waiting for fanfic from the perspective of the monster. The first person to write good Cloverfield fanfic in the comments gets a TR basketball jersey.

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“Jenny Was a Friend of Mine” – The Killers (mp3)

“Till the Bitter End” – The Magnetic Fields (mp3)

“Population Control” – Company Flow (mp3)

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“Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters” – Ryan Adams and Elton John (mp3)

“Some Things Last a Long Time” – Beach House (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Molly on The Emperor’s Children.

Will on poetrie and painters.

Dick Cheney’s favorite book

G’Kar you’re breaking my balls here

15 thoughts on “In Which Cloverfield Is Not There

  1. Am I the only one who was fighting off nausea during the entire film? It was like an amusement ride that I couldn’t wait to get off of. But aside from the obvious and tasteless rip-off of footage from 9/11, Cloverfield was entertaining in a Godzilla sort of way.

  2. C-Murder has an album called ‘The Truest Shit I Ever Said’ – this blog post should be called ‘The Truest Shit I Ever Wrote.’ Thank you for being right. Also, where can I get a TR basketball jersey? I’d drop a Jackson on it, but only if I could get ‘NASH’ on the back.

  3. i found the mean girls girl completely distracting also. another problem i had with the film is that they couldn’t justify a guy filming through the whole film (save for when he died).

    at least in blair witch, the kids that were filming said that they should continue because they all knew they were going to die and they wanted proof of their experiences.

  4. All I wanted was to know who dropped that goddamn piece of junk on my lawn. I mean, a junked satellite? Really? I had this whole zen thing going with the rocks and the fish were getting into it and here’s this chunk of zinc and titanium and aluminum and silicon smack in the middle of the sand garden.

    I’ve heard of people having trouble with noisy neighbors and all, so I steeled myself up to deal with the apes or cows or whatever dumb genus had finally figured out thumbs – kudos to you! that’s certainly something to be proud of – but I never saw all that coming. I’m sure you’ve seen some of the footage by now.

    I couldn’t even tell what they were trying to do at first. Those little mass propulsion weapons they’ve cocked up are so pathetic, it boggles the mind. Once they got one of the big metal ones out, I finally sort of sussed it, and I guess I lost my temper. You know how sometimes you get into an argument and it starts going a little too far but you’re still right so you don’t want to give it up and it all just snowballs into a certifiable disaster?

    I never did figure out who put that damn thing on my lawn, but oh well. Who could tell those apes apart anyway? They all look the same. Same number of limbs, same cutrate musculoskeletal arrangements, all that. Anyway it only took like ten minutes to move the damn thing and fix the rock garden.

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