Cloverfield Cloverfields Even The Biggest Cloverfield
by Alex Carnevale
dir. Matt Reeves
After I finished watching Cloverfield mere blocks from where some of the monster’s most destructive destruction occurs, the patrons of the 68th Street cinema began to hiss and boo. “That’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen,” said an Asian gentleman who had consumed an entire box of junior mints during the preview.
Nine years ago, people seemed slightly less disgusted by The Blair Witch Project. To be fair, Blair Witch did have some scary moments.
the statue of…gosh, what is it again? change? statue of 9/11? what was that thing named?
If a movie can’t entertain the dumb people I was sitting with, I have to condemn it on general principle. I could have jangled keys for a half hour and they’d have stayed with me.
On the other hand, I do love reading message board comments about Cloverfield:
Both my dad and I are of the mind that this movie is a bit too high brow for people to really appreciate
To those of you bashing rob for running to try and save beth…you are retarded…if you’ve ever been in love with someone then you would know that you’re life doesn’t matter to you very much when that person is in danger…..anyways, good movie….btw, did anyone else see the thing come crashing in from the sky into the ocean on the top right of the screen during the last scene (the one where rob and beth are at cony island)?
they were talking about why this movie isn’t political, but isn’t it just one big argument against gun control? your cell phone will not save you, you rich fucking yuppie
WHY WAS IS CALLED CLOVERFIELD. That is the question.
I just came back from the movie.. all I have to say is.. THE MOVIE WAS F***ING AWESOME!!! It’s a must see theater movie (or DVD) if you watch it when it comes out bootlegged, you just ruined a movie that is a new modern classic. I bet if the movie was Rated R (like it was suppose to be according to interview) I think the movie would have been twice as better and it should have been longer also.
a monster could really get me to dump my current boyfriend for my best friend, oops!
Not to get too aimless with the pronouncements, but this is the Hotel Chevalier of monster movies. (That sounds smart, but I can pretty much do it with anything. “It’s the Annie Hall of monster movies.” Ooh, I’d like to see that one. Make it happen.)
It doesn’t help that all the actors are totally unsympathetic, and the girl from The Class and Mean Girls sticks out like a sore thumb. She is the brunette Gretchen Mol. See, I did it again.
I’m in a fucking Lancome commercial?!
This movie is made for gentiles. You see if something like this were to go down, my Jewish friends would round me up into their cabal and we’d all head down to Atlantic City for the weekend, let this little problem blow over.
The blame for this one has to fall on J.J. Abrams. More an idea-generator than an idea finisher, his planned take on the Star Trek universe already looks terrible, like if G.I. Joe were to become Apocalypse Now.
Here’s a really cool drawing of the monster. (Note: this is not the actual monster, it’s more of conceptual piece.)
I promised someone special that I would not post pictures of it. It’s not a bad monster or anything, and it’s interesting enough to deserve a backstory. Why they didn’t just give us a taste of that is 100 percent Abrams. The motherfucker always smells sequel. He is the eternal sequel.
tom the all black look is classic, you’re like an actual martian
MI:III was far from the original De Palma oomph, and he long ago signed off on ownership of Lost, which had a dreadful beginning to it anyway. He’s never been great shakes as a director, Armageddon and Alias both sucked…what is this guy good at, exactly? Marketing campaigns?
Suggested titles for the proposed sequel:
Cloverfield 2: There Could Be An Additional Monster, You Will Have to Pay to Find Out
Cloverfield Deux: I Bet You Didn’t Think We’d Get To Do One of These
The Return to Cloverfield: The Benry Gale Story
My guess is he got married while he was writing Regarding Henry and wasn’t sure if he was going to make it in Hollywood
Here’s a short list of projects and concepts I am eager for Abrams NOT to adopt as his own:
– Spielberg’s Hook. I know no one would remake this in their right mind, but I am just saying.
– The Prisoner. This classic British series is a dying for a makeover. This is actually right up J.J.’s alley. Don’t do it you short little fuck.
– Babylon 5. This series is getting reinvigorated by being available on iTunes and it’s a great and mysterious universe that Abrams would probably really like to add sunglasses to.
– Remembrance of Things Past. Just say no.
– The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Why do I have this bad feeling that somehow I am the butterfly flapping its wings in getting this adapted by Abrams. (This already has its best possible film adaptation in The Royal Tenenbaums. The E.L. Konigsburg fanboys have already been pacified!) Plus, I don’t even know how you do viral marketing–have kids hide out in places after closing?
Also, any movie that makes me view OdetteYustman.net is categorically evil.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.
P.S. I am still waiting for fanfic from the perspective of the monster. The first person to write good Cloverfield fanfic in the comments gets a TR basketball jersey.
“Jenny Was a Friend of Mine” – The Killers (mp3)
“Till the Bitter End” – The Magnetic Fields (mp3)
“Population Control” – Company Flow (mp3)
“Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters” – Ryan Adams and Elton John (mp3)
“Some Things Last a Long Time” – Beach House (mp3)
Will on poetrie and painters.
Dick Cheney’s favorite book
G’Kar you’re breaking my balls here