In Which One Candidate Passes Into The Netherworld There Is Only One Way To Compare The Three

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Barack/Hillary/John

by Claire Howorth

My favorite parlor game/salve for stilted conversation, assuming the company doesn’t include young children or my grandmother, is Marry/Fuck/Kill (or its plethora of less fatal-sounding variations).

To play, simply name three people, assign each a fate, and optionally explain why.

Any old triumvirate will do. Reese Witherspoon, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears? Mario Batali, Jean-Luc Godard, Kim Jong Il? Your mother, your father, your dog?

How would the top three democratic candidates fare in a choice of hitching, humping, or homicide?

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Marry: Barack Obama

Obama is marriage material. Campaigning is a mating dance, but unlike in high school, I’ll put out in the primaries for this guy. He’s got the drive, that sticktoitiveness you only find in a potential husband. Or a future president.

Everyone loves him, even my parents (and they’re from Mississippi). Education reform is important to him — he cares about children! And with his plan for leaner spending and cutbacks, our golden years will be happy ones.

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Fuck: John Edwards

Bed him, won’t wed him. He’s quite attractive, and so is his platform. Politicians are glorified hookers, and this one’s got a heart of gold. Who doesn’t get a little wet at the thought of universal health care? And he says he’ll be sure to withdraw. From Iraq.

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But he’s a little too good to be true, and he just pulled out (of the race) too soon. Youth and inexperience could lead to a disastrous relationship, and I’m a bit wary of the pecan-scented veneer. Best to trust my gut and just be a slut.

“Ne Me Quitte Pas” – Nina Simone (mp3)

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Kill: Hillary Clinton

Toss her. She’s already married to Bill, and, because of him, she’s probably fucked too.

Whatever order you choose, don’t sweat it if you get pregnant — they’re all pro-choice.

As for the Republican candidates? There’s no fun forced choice in a game called “Kill/Kill/Kill.” Well, I’m not into polygamy, but I might hate-fuck Romney.

Claire Howorth is a writer living in New York. This is her first appearance in these pages.

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mormons like rough sex

BARACK IS ALL LIKE, “KATRINA! KATRINA!”

“Stand By Me” – The Temptations (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – U2 (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Pennywise (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Ben E. King (mp3)

“Stand By Me” – Timon & Pumbaa (mp3)

“Stand By Me (Nasty Bitch remix)” – DJ Quixotic (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Highlights of campaign week:

Politics and athletes.

Womyn dividing the country.

All day long we sing that same old song.

9 thoughts on “In Which One Candidate Passes Into The Netherworld There Is Only One Way To Compare The Three

  1. the punk version of stand by me is by pennywise and is off the album wild card, nofx have done many good covers but this isn’t one of theirs.

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