In Which I’m Sorry I Shouldn’t Have Gone With Locke

neversaynever.jpg

never say never – guess who’s back

I Thought I Loved My Wife

by Dick Cheney

Lost, ABC, Thursdays at 9

Week One

It was a long wait for new Lost.

To make the interminable wait terminable, I spent some time at home with my wife Lynne and some random baby that I took from his mother as a Christmas gag.

Eventually I gravitated back towards the Lost messageboards, where you can find pretty much any picture of Kate you need.

Kate in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform? Check. Kate looking fugly while taking out the trash after boning a Hobbit? Readily available. Kate and Jack just kinda holding each other closely? Everywhere.

embrace.jpg

benry‘s like, i can’t wait to get back at jack for beating the shit out of me by telling him his gf took his phone! this is gonna be awwwwwesome

For shits and giggles I started to PM with the ladies. PM is message board for “private messaging” and it’s where all the real action happens on the Lost unofficial forum.

And when you’re PMing with some chick in Nebraska who openly admits she’s tried to obtain James Ford’s semen, you gotta have an attached pic. Mine’s dated, but they expect you to exaggerate a little anyway.

i finally want to put out for charlie…where is he?

A few weeks into 2008, I started to message with a particular chica from San Luis Obispo, California. She was everything you want in a cross country internet relationship. Freaky, totally without boundaries, and a husky voice that reminds me of my daddy.

I don’t know how she got my AOL handle, but she did. One day I received this AIM flash:

iwantjackinsideme891: are you him?

chenemonster420: hmmm…who?

iwantjackinsideme891: Are you…Jacob?

chenemonster420: LOLOLOLSPOT!

Before you jump all over me for using AOL, that shit is presidentially mandated. W would still be using Prodigy if I hadn’t fake cried that time.

me grabbing my hot bonor

I don’t really know what happened after that. I couldn’t stop thinking about this person who I barely even knew.

I began ignoring my responsibilities at work. I’d fall asleep in meetings, or simply grab my boner during them. I wanted to be in bed, laptop on my tummy, a glass of water and KY nearby, ready for anything.

I’m like many Americans. I thought I loved my wife, but I didn’t. I love iwantjackinsideme891. Her jokes about Locke always put a smile on my face (Locke as Homer Simpson! Hilarious!) and her e-mails during the day about who to FMK, Sayid, Jin, or the Smoke Monster made me feel like a prince.

“Better Man” – James Morrison (mp3)

“Rust” – Belinda Bruce (mp3)

“Hold On (Floorman’s Disco Freakshow Edit)” – Hot Chip (mp3)

floorman’s website chock full of sweet remixes

one song lost recap

As the date of last night’s episode approached, and with only the disgusting prospect of a Lost finale with pop-up video airing on Wednesday, I had an idea for my and my online beloved.

What about having our first meeting during Lost‘s return? A cross-country trip was easier than sneaking out in the D.C. night/blight.

I was so sure this was a good idea I wrote my secret online friend another private message: Want to watch season premiere live and in person maybez?

you could even see the ocean…no?

When iwantjackinsideme891 didn’t write back, I was a little disappointed. I was so emotionally confused I even though Jakob Lodwick’s new venture was a good idea. Fucking toolbox.

Still, I’m going to keep pressing. You can convince anyone of anything on the internet. You can be the most charming man in the world. You can make someone need and want you using only the internet. You can make them anticipate the thought of your next e-mail. You can make a plan to love someone.

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evangeline lilly & dominic monaghan, when they were in love. he is now in love with billy boyd. what can i say, only love can break your heart

As part of my new strategy to win iwantjackinsideme891‘s love, I sent along the following e-mail after last night’s episode. I hope that in sharing this you will realize how true my feelings are. I am ready to move on from Lynne and our lesbian daughter to a new life with iwantjackinsideme891:

Dear Message Board Commenter Who Wants Matthew Fox Inside of Her,

Wow, what an episode, amiright?

I totally have no clue who the Oceanic Six could be. I’m guessing Sun is one of them – she has to have her baby, right?

onetwo.jpg

She can’t have her baby on the island, so she gets off. Did you know Jorge Garcia is Chilean? I once punched a Chilean prostitute in the face. JK JK!

I totally jumped out of my Laz-E-Boy when Hurley saw Locke’s eye in Jacob’s cabin. What was he doing there? Taking the joy out of someone else’s life?

And what the heckarooni was up with that picture of a dog?

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My guy for the big house, mitt romney, also has a dog poster on his wall – but it’s of his wife! know what i’m saying!

Now that the flashbacks have become the flash futures, the detail is all in the dialogue.

The only weak part was the message written on Charlie’s hand when Hurley was in police lockdown. I gotta freeze frame for that? Was Carlton Cuse at his Harvard reunion when this episode got written?

I know you were reticent about meeting in person last week, but I hope the attached picture will change your mind:

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love,

chenemonster420

Dick Cheney is the vice president of the United States and the senior contributor to This Recording. He lives in Washington D.C.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Alex talked all about his childhood, what it meant to him, etc.

Will discussed his feelings towards The New Yorker.

Determinative of gender and religion.

matthew fox and evangeline lilly, destined for each other

10 thoughts on “In Which I’m Sorry I Shouldn’t Have Gone With Locke

  1. DOMINIC MONAGHAN IS NOT IN LOVE WITH BILLY BOYD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS OF APRIL 2008, HIM AND EVIE LILLY ARE GETTING MARRIED I BET YOU DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU NEED TO REALLY KNOW THINGS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE THINGS THAT ARE NOTTTT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!

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