In Which Jason Bateman Probably Just Wants To Turn Her On To A Really Cool Band

We welcome back Dick Cheney for a Lost review for the ages. You can find the Chene Monster’s previous Lost work here, and here, plus last season here.

Babies Also Betray You

by Dick Cheney


Week Four

Last week, I danced around the topic of my liasion with iwantjackinsideme891. I will do that dance again and confine my remarks to last week’s flight to California, on which I noted several parables to the events of Oceanic Flight 815.

I flew out to California on Air Force Two. I am so tired of flying with secret service protection. The average secret service agent is about as humorous as Ellen Page thinking Jason Bateman just wants to turn her onto a really cool band.


Sample conversation.I have with an SS (is name a coincidence, methinks not) agent:

Me: How’s it going Charlie?

Agent: well, sir.

Me (doing dr. evil finger to mouth): If that is your real name…

Agent: Yes it is sir.

Me: Oh go fuck a dog. (pause) Did you know Baron Davis liked Juno?


Never a good idea to hire Bill Hendrickson’s ne-er do well football playin’ younger brother as your defense attorney

The producers got a long interview out this week. I had never seen the Orchid Orientation film. Can anyone confirm that ABC owns EW? There hasn’t been a magazine this far up the industry’s asshole since Nintendo Power.


the face that launched 10 years of probation

Naturally my favorite photogenic little minx is the brainless sex cauldron Evangeline Lilly.

Lilly is utterly uninteresting. Her version of ‘acting’ is being completely still. She does this in several scenes. It is the opposite of natural. Can they please recast her now? Whatever happened to Gretchen Mol? It seemed so promising for Gretchen. Could it seem that way again?


they wouldn’t be thinking about relocating? gosh, i wonder if they are members of the fucking oceanic six!

Yet this Thursday afternoon’s flight seemed to raise some interest in the boys, who were unsure why I was sneaking off to California, and didn’t find my explanation of “for a shvitz with Wolfowitz” as amusing as I did.


Bush was in Ghana during this covert op, so I didn’t have to worry about him. In fact, I spend the first leg of the flight captioning a few photos of him, to wit.

The second leg of the flight was devoted to the second season of Degrassi and placing my index finger on different parts of Lohan’s awesome photo spread.


sitting in the catbird seat

For us Benry fanatics, the real bit of action in the episode was in the foreground, where it was revealed that Benry is known to the world at large, has vast financial assets. Let’s say Ben owns patents, various research that is profitable off the island. It was originally the intellectual property of the Dharma Foundation. So basically Lost is the writers’ strike, and Evangeline Lilly is a prostitute of some kind. I hope it was not difficult for you to follow my metaphor.

Next week Desmond gets his chance, and hopefully they will replay Jack being all “shucks” when the helicopter hasn’t landed yet. It appears Desmond is going to be left on the island of his banishment.


the future is the 1980s!!!

Sawyer’s behavior towards Kate was really unnaturalistic. She doesn’t seem to have much in common with either, and her and Claire are living together. It didn’t occur to me that Aaron is Jack’s half-nephew until I was surfing for pics of Evangeline with a thong on.


I suggest they seriously look into a replacement for Evangeline. How about Jermaine Dupri’s soon-to-be new wife?

“The 1” – Janet Jackson ft. Missy Elliott (mp3)


“Discipline” – Janet Jackson (mp3)

Her new album is out in three days.

In five days, you will meet the woman of my dreams.

Dick Cheney is the Vice President of these United States. He lives in Washington D.C.


“Matchbook Seeks Maniac” – Deerhoof (mp3)


George on being a kid.

All My Friends Are Going to Be Bloggers.

Christopher Hitchens’ female friend.

A babe is a babe, you know what I’m saying? I know that you do.

8 thoughts on “In Which Jason Bateman Probably Just Wants To Turn Her On To A Really Cool Band

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s