In Which This Is Such A Brunch City

We like to catch up with the actress-singer-phenomenon-half jew known as Scarlett Johansson from time to time. It appears we were rightly concerned about her coupling with the one guy from a pizza place, Ryan Reynolds. The following testimony comes from an anonymous dear friend of TR who witnessed (in the downtown Manhattan boutique in which she works) what can only be described as the end of an era.

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Who Could Do Better?

They came in, and immediately I did a double take. I thought, “No, it can’t be…” But it was. ScarJo has striking straight-blonde hair, she was wearing it under a beret, and Ryan Reynolds looked very in shape and “fit.”

I went up to them, asked them how they were, if they needed anything, and ScarJo said, “Um, no. We’re just looking. This morning, Ryan woke up and wanted to go shopping, so here we are!”

“Cherry Blossom (Simian Mobile Disco remix)” – Air (mp3)

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Then Ryan moved to the men’s section, while I stayed with ScarJo. I mentioned how we were slow, but that it would probably pick up after brunch.

She said, “Oh God, this is such a brunch city. Everybody does brunch. I used to like that place, you know on Clinton Street, but then it became so crowded. You go there and people just stare at you while you eat.”

I clearly don’t have this problem.

Then she asked to see some rings is our jewelry case. She chose two very pretty rings, but placed them on her middle finger. She then said, “I never wear rings on my ring finger. But you do.”

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I said, “Yeah, well I’m weird.” She said, “No, it’s not weird. I just don’t do it.” Then she proceeded to put on an oversized men’s alpaca sweater and walk to the back of the store to find Ryan and pout. She and Ryan kind of took turns at pouting.

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“Universal Traveller” – Air (mp3)

He is a very good-looking man. Quite slim, yet built. Beautiful, perfect skin. Much better looking in person. He made one joke though, and it was kind of disappointing. We have these $3,000 real tortoise shell glasses in our store. He put them on and said, “I invented the cat.” I didn’t really get it. Neither did anyone else.

I give it 3 months tops. She belongs with an older man. They both act too babyish. And as we all know, there is only room for one baby in any relationship. I’m guessing if anything, she was more of the caregiver. He seems like he needs a lot of pampering. But then again, I would too if I was dating her.

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She is gorgeous, talented, and has a much better career ahead of her. All he has to look forward to is the return of Van Wilder. Still, he’s very hot. You would have done him.

Our anonymous correspondent works at a boutique in Lower Manhattan.

“Summertime” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

We knew you didn’t believe in monogamy, Scarlett, but come on now. As for you Ryan, it’s not worth it. Nothing’s worth it. You’re better off being a man.

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Scarlett and Natalie, lovers forever.

Scarlett in Iraq.

Scarlett loves Obama.

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ryan and former lover

3 thoughts on “In Which This Is Such A Brunch City

  1. I love Scarly Jo as much as the next guy, but she shouldn’t be allowed near the score of Porgy and Bess. That is the most anemic version of “Summertime” I’ve ever heard, and she has the audacity to pronounce cotton like “cat-on.” Fraud!

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