In Which Dick Relives the First Part of a Season of Lost We Won’t Soon Forget

You are the love of my life, you are the love of my life. From the moment I first met you, the second that you were born…

DICK CHENEY ON LOST

Week One: I Thought I Loved My Wife

Best Quip: “Before you jump all over me for using AOL, that shit is presidentially mandated. W would still be using Prodigy if I hadn’t fake cried that time.”

Week Two: I Have a Van In Your Throat

Best Quip: “Still, I want to know you. I want to know everything about you. Do you like Republicans usually? I want to caress your arm hairs. Are you in favor of tax cuts? If you don’t support Israel, I can never be in love with you. If you’re not against amnesty for illegals, I can never hold you in my arms. If you don’t sincerely believe that Terry McAuliffe is the most disgusting man in America, we are not in love.”

Week Three: Are Women Worth the Bullshit?

Best Quip: “In the late 70s a brief estrangement from Lynne (she had started boning a poet who wore cutoffs all the time) led me into the arms of none other than current WSJ columnist Peggy Noonan. As a devout Catholic, Peggy wouldn’t go all the way to the end of the rainbow – she was content with the blacks and blues, if you know what I am saying.”

Week Four: Babies Also Betray You

Best Quip: “The average secret service agent is about as humorous as Ellen Page thinking Jason Bateman just wants to turn her onto a really cool band.”

Week Five: Time Keeps Slipping

Best Quip: “Mr. Hume, an innovator not unlike his philosophically minded namesake, invented the eight year silent treatment this week, a method which is extremely useful when the woman from Tell Me You Love Me isn’t responding to you the way that you’d hope. Now, an easy answer has emerged. You tell them you love them, and will call them in eight years. Ballsy move, Hume.”

Week Six: A Controlling Man, A Strong Woman

Best Quip: “Everything about Locke in this episode was downright stupid, from a safe where keeps a video of a multinational corporate executive kicking some dude’s ass, to his silly ‘negotiations’ with Ben. Again, Ben murdering Locke and feasting on his entrails would be the best possible outcome for this storyline. He could snack on Hurley after that.”

“The Fallen (acoustic version” – Franz Ferdinand (mp3)

Week Seven: The Collective

Best Quip: ” I think we can assume Faraday’s Paradox is going to deny Barack Hussein Obama the Democratic nomination for President.”

Week Eight: Lost Must Bring It In One Month

Best Quip: “Ben killing his daughter’s mother and her boyfriend ranks as one of the all-time great ‘fuck you’ moves, somewhere between Tony Soprano taking down Christopher in the weirdest car accident in the history of television, and Rory cheating with Dean outside of his marriage on Gilmore Girls.”

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Blonde girl and Jewish bear.

Competitiveness got the best of us.

An emotional set of links.

2 thoughts on “In Which Dick Relives the First Part of a Season of Lost We Won’t Soon Forget

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