This Recording’s Sexiest Women Of 2008
by Dan Samiljan
We’re not even halfway through 2008, and FHM (Forgetting Hairy Marshall?) has already put out their Top 100 Sexiest Women of 2008 list. I respect (although disagree with) their assertiveness that no other sexy women will emerge this year. However, I find their list lacking in a few areas and I’d like to offer my own, more complete list.
Since Molly won’t let me put up all 100 girls (something about bandwidth – I’m afraid I don’t know much about computers), here’s a random sampling. Congrats to all the lucky ladies!
98. Amy Adams, actress: The first of many redheads on the list. I finally saw Enchanted! Got it on Netflix and watched it with my friends Racki and Joe. I tell people that “I actually liked it” and it was “surprisingly good.” Even gave it 4 stars (which means “I really liked it”) on Netflix and other people can see that. I’m a good guy. What are you doing this weekend?
84. Jenny Wade, actress: Jenny auditioned for a TV show on ABC I worked on that I won’t name (Cavemen). We flirted a little before her first audition, and then a little more before each of her callbacks. After she auditioned for the network and didn’t get the part, I knew I had to act fast or never see her again. So I asked her out on a date. Then she told me she was married. Then Cavemen was cancelled.
71. Rashida Jones & Jenna Fischer, actresses (tie): Too close to call. Kind of unfair to pair them together, I know. And now we’re in Season 4 and our Rashida intake is very limited (though, it was great), but that kind of makes me miss her more. I can’t deny the whole Jim/Pam thing they’re doing is pretty romantic. Y’know, I met Jenna Fischer one time. She was really sweet. She said, “Oh! You’re from Boston? BJ is from Boston! C’mere, BJ!” And then BJ Novak came over. “Dan is from Boston!” He gave me that smug smile and nodded. (You know exactly what I’m talking about.) Then it was kind of awkward for a few minutes and then they left. Thanks for ruining my game, BJ Novak.
62. Jenny Lewis, singer: Redhead #2. Y’know, I never got into Rilo Kiley or that solo album she put out. I saw her one time at the Feist/Spoon show and she looked really tired. I probably should’ve put Leslie Feist on here, come to think of it. She was really great that night.
58. Liz Lemon, fictional character: Not Tina Fey. Liz Lemon. I actually find Tina Fey pretty annoying. She’s way too into herself and plays it off all coy. She’s so into herself that she made a show about how awesome and coy she is. Which brings me to Liz Lemon, who is kind of awesome. And the whole show is about her cleavage! Have you noticed? It’s hard to miss. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be about the comedic mishaps of running a live TV show (read: a vehicle for Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin to be funny), but you can’t fool me. I’ve seen it. It’s about her cleavage.
50. Sarah Shahi, actress: Oh, Sarah Shahi. This might be a little awkward seeing how I may or may not work on a TV show on NBC that you star on that I won’t name (Life and I do – Season 2 coming this Fall!), but I don’t care. You’re amazing.
45. Jessica Lucas, Lizzy Caplan, Odette Yustman, and the Cloverfield monster, the Cloverfield girls (4-way tie!): Cloverfield was disappointing, huh? I wanted to like it. I really did. But there wasn’t much to like. I couldn’t get myself to care about any character and/or backstory they tried to fit in. And I know this complaint has been made a lot already, but that monster was just lame and its size was completely inconsistent throughout the movie. He (sorry, she) should’ve been fucking huge! The thing took off the Statue of Liberty’s head! I thought it was going to be at least triple the size that it was. Mighty cute girls, though. Five-way? Would we count the little fuckers that grew out of the monster and fucking killed everyone? Can we not?
37. Marcela S., friend (more?): FHM puts obscure girls on their list, so I can too. This is a girl I knew in college. I had a crush on her forever. One night we drank some whiskey, put on Al Green and made out. Then my roommate walked in. And I haven’t seen her since. Marcela, not my roommate. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I saw her once months later at a party and she whispered to me that she “hadn’t forgotten.” I wonder if she’s forgotten Hairy Marshall. That’s not what I call my D, it’s a referential joke to the beginning. Forget it.
33. Jessica Rabbit, fictional character: The third redhead. I wish you were real! Actually, I take that back, considering new shit has come to light. What was it like working with Bob Zemeckis before he became a total fucking douchebag? Man, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Romancing the Stone, and yes, all three Back To The Futures are so good. R.I.P. Robert Zemeckis 1984-1990.
28. Marie Antoinette, historical figure: She looked like Kirsten Dunst and listened to Gang of Four! An ideal woman. Coincidentally, Kirsten Dunst doesn’t listen to Gang of Four and therefore did not make the list.
26. M.I.A., badass: M.I.A. would kick my ass. I wouldn’t mind.
24. Katie Dippold, comedian/writer: Sure taste is relative, but in my opinion Katie Dippold is probably the smartest, cutest, and funniest girl at the Upright Citizen Brigade Theatre’s Harold Night (Mondays). Fall in love with her as she performs in the Harold group Powerwalkers and steals the show every fucking time.
19. The Statue of Liberty, solid rock: Lady Liberty herself! Nothing sexier than being an All-American girl! The French gave us this sexy lady in 1886 as a way of saying “Here, have this.” I have a guilty pleasure for girls who are taller (or shorter) than me. But can you imagine what I could do to the Statue of Liberty? Christ. That is, if the Cloverfield monster doesn’t get to her first.
10. Ariel, the Little Mermaid, mermaid: The 4th redhead! Wish I could be part of your world! Am I right?! No but seriously, I want to be an animated Disney character living underwater singing about shit. What, you don’t? My buddy Craig makes a good argument for Evil Ariel and I can’t disagree. I dunno why he doesn’t just call her Hot Ursula. But I can’t put two amphibious women on the same list! That’s just absurd. (Ed. Note: Hot Ursula/Evil Ariel’s name is Vanessa. – ML)
7. Paul Rudd, guy: Ok, not technically a girl, but I would still have sex with him, so he must be.
6. The Girl Driving Behind Me The Other Day, mystery woman: I was on my way to work, about to get on the 101. I checked my rear view and there you were! I almost got into an accident because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You caught me looking and you smiled. You were absolutely radiant in your gray or white or red car, I don’t remember. I was too busy looking at your eyes. They looked beautiful behind your sunglasses. And your hair! Your blonde or brown or red hair, I don’t remember. But I do remember being smitten at the time and thinking, “This is the type of moment you put on Craigslist’s Missed Connections.” But I never did. I should put up a Missed Missed Connection. I think it might be the real thing this time.
3. Lady from Lady and the Tramp, animated dog: Oh c’mon, I’m not saying I’d actually have sex with her! She’s not even a real dog!
2. A pizza from Nicky D’s in Silverlake, pizza: The only other non-human on the list besides the dog (and I would entertain an argument regarding Ariel). I think my favorite topping is green pepper, mushroom and onion, but it’s a really tough call and to make an ordered list of how much I like such things just seems petty. When it comes to sexy, nothing beats fresh, hot pizza. Except…
1. Eudora Welty, author, deceased: “Eudora Welty was known as a humble and kind woman always ready to make others comfortable wherever they were.” By Josh & Josh, fourth grade, 2007. Yeah, and she had a great ass. Man, fourth graders make my job easy. Check out some other fine ladies who didn’t quite make the cut this year. Remember, there’s always 2009. I’m looking at you, Louisa May Alcott! That is, if you can keep up the sexy!
Dan Samiljan is a writer/filmmaker in LA
SEXY SONGS TO SEX TO
“This Ain’t Sex” – Usher
“Trading Places” – Usher
“Pretty Please (Love Me)” – Estelle ft. Cee-Lo
“Customer (remix)” – Raheem DeVaughn ft. R. Kelly
“Streetlove” – Lloyd
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS SEXY RECORDING
So…What are you doing this weekend?