The NBA Playoffs: Where Oral History Happens
by Alex Carnevale
OK, so you guys, the NBA playoffs. The NBA ranks as the biggest dysfunctional family out there. It has guns, and bling, and sex outside of marriages. And it has older white men commenting on it. It is basically like The Real World meets Gladiator with a dash of Marv Albert’s freaky deaky. And it has victims, too. After a hard foul by Celtics forward Paul Pierce, Lebron had to be held back while yelling at his mom, “Sit your ass down.” Incredible.
We sat down with the biggest stars of the National Basketball Association to discuss this season’s playoffs, TR-style.
LEBRON JAMES, Cavaliers forward: I don’t know what was up with me you guys. I told my mom, “Sit your ass down” during an athletic competition. It seemed like such the right move at the time. Mom hasn’t stopped taking my money, but she now bunks with DeShawn Stevenson. I can’t believe I said that to my mom.
GLORIA JAMES, Bron’s mom: He had no right to talk to me that way. I got Kevin Garnett’s number, how do you like them apples?
Bron telling his mom to “Sit Your Ass Down”:
LEBRON JAMES: Did you know I am worth more than the entire nation of Luxembourg? I ate grilled chimpanzee the other day. It was a little tough but good. Afterwards, my entourage came up to congratulate me. I feel I have not known true satisfaction until now.
DESHAWN STEVENSON, Wizards guard: You guys. In one summer I played against the best player in humanity, had Jay-Z write a new track just to diss me, and got with with FORTY hos. Long live Summer 2008.
“Blow the Whistle” – Jay-Z (mp3)
gilbert sleeping like an angel
GILBERT ARENAS, Wizards guard: It is with great regret that I shut down my blog. “One Day You’re Here, The Next Day You’re Gone.” – Pimp C. RIP Pimp C. RIP My Blog. RIP Our Playoff Hopes 2008. Long live my contract extension.
put an R on us after the game Kobe!!!
KOBE BRYANT, Lakers forward: When I came to Denver, where it all went down for me with that white ho (we call them Mileys now), I felt a twinge in my back. Things got better momentarily when I got my MVP and all the guys were like, are you going to get us Thank You Prezzies? And I was like, you guys gotta stop reading lolcats. The next day before the game, I had my assistant put a wrapped gift in each of their lockers.
PAU GASOL, Lakers forward: I took a cameraphone picture when I saw what was in mine.
When Kobe arrived for Game 2, everyone went up to thank him. I didn’t say anything. When he came over and asked how I liked my gift, I couldn’t hold back. I hugged the crap out of him.
CHAUNCEY BILLUPS, injured Pistons guard: Was I upset when I hurt my hamstring in Game 3? Sure. Was I glad to have the opportunity to break out the swankest “I’m-out-with-an-injury” jacket? Yes. Am I planning on sitting out Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals to debut my new kicks? Most probably.
Chauncey, we love that jacket so much we cannot even express it
“Mathletics (live)” – Foals (mp3)
“Cappo” – No Age (mp3)
“Camouflage” – Glorytellers (mp3)
STEVE LAVIN, NBA referee: Three things. One, Kobe called me a cracker. Two, where was my thank you gift, Kobe? I need weed. Three, Manu Ginobli is a fucking asshole.
BARON DAVIS, Warriors guard: MY TEAM JUST DOESN’T APPRECIATE ME! I AM THE FRANCHISE! I AM CUTTING OFF THE HEAD OF A CHRIS MULLIN DOLL! I AM RIDING MY HORSE WHICH I NAMED BARON JR! I AM MAKING ANDRIS BIEDRINS PREPARE ME CEREMONIAL CUPCAKES! I AM A BEAST IN THE LOW POST! BRING ME TO NEW YORK!
BARON THOSE SHOULDERPADS ARE OUT OF CONTROL BUDDY
KEVIN GARNETT, Celtics forward: My coach doesn’t know who to play at point guard, so he moves Sam Cassell from his regular role as a backup into starter’s minutes, forgetting that he can’t play that many minutes. Cassell goes on a 0 for 15 shooting slump. My coach benches perhaps our most valuable reserve besides James Posey in Leon Powe for no discernible reason, and continues playing Glen Davis even though Davis matches up poorly with Cleveland’s athletic front line. He won’t call enough plays for me in the post and I’m naturally unselfish so I don’t even play for most of the fourth quarter and then come in and try to take over. Surprise, it doesn’t work. We don’t run any plays for Ray Allen off screens, and we’re playing veteran P.J. Brown big minutes even though he sat out most of the season. Bill Simmons jinxes us by proclaiming us as great before we’ve even won anything. I’ve been outplayed by Zydrunas Ilgaskus in this series, and I’m seriously questioning whether or not Doc Rivers has an IQ above 100. My team nearly lost to an Atlanta team that struggled to make the playoffs, and with home court advantage against a team with Lebron and motley collection of three-point shooters, we can’t get our own shot or shoot the 3 consistently. I really wish I could be born again and drafted by the Spurs.
BILL SIMMONS: It’s all my fault.
Lebron’s mom & his girl, it’s much cooler to knock up a betch if ur lebron
MIKE D’ANTONI, new head coach of the New York Knicks: 4 years! 24 million! Steve Kerr can suck on my Italian balls, as can the next person who calls me Mike D’Antonio!
arrange yourselves in the form of a bunny rabbit! dance for me bitches!
MARV ALBERT,TNT announcer, after calling Lebron’s dunk at the end of Game Four by pronouncing, “Lebron James with no regard for human life!”: I practiced that call in the mirror before the game. You can’t see it on camera, but I’m holding onto my toupee as I say those fateful words, which enter themselves into sports history like so many of Lebron’s dunks. I think of the dunk and my call of it for days afterwards, while eating, sleeping, having sex, dancing, in TGIFridays, in line, at church. This was Lebron’s moment, and I took it from him. Booyakasha.
Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
reggie miller, we treasure every moment with you
PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING
Will on Gertrude Stein.