In Which We Have Serious Questions About Whether We Will Be Able To Tolerate Her Any Longer

The Scarlett Present

by Alex Carnevale

I have said in this space many times that celebrity couples are the way a decadent society expresses themselves. So too in the case of the walking thesis against the existence of white people, the pending marriage of Scarlett and Ryan Reynolds.

we will avoid attention dressed like this

While her mostly physical relationship with Reynolds surely represents all male desire to dump their brunette girlfriends for stupider blondes, she has herself become a far more important symbol. Her burgeoning relationship with the one known as Barack Obama strikes fear in our heats.

barack let’s talk about expanding head start come onnnnnn

You see, in the time leading up to this coming election for president, you are going to meet somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,000 white girls telling you that you should vote for Obama for president:

She’s not alone. Jessica Alba is for Obama. So are Ryan Phillippe, John Legend, Anthony Kiedis, Taye Diggs, Kate Walsh and countless others. But Johansson emphasizes that it’s not just young Hollywood coming out. “His support goes across all of America, not just with celebrity endorsements,” she says, laughing. “Trying to find McCain’s youthful core group is going to be challenging. One of the driving forces behind the Obama campaign is that all of these young people who never had a reason to vote before finally got the fire under their ass.”

WOW! John Legend is supporting Obama!?! Now I don’t even need to understand the issues!

I love to hear morons like this guy talking about “The Choice” and being like, “If you’re for gay rights, you’ll support Obama!” Hillary made a similar misstep in her otherwise great speech on Saturday. “Gay rights” has become a throwaway phrase for candidates.

If you didn’t know it already, both major candidates in this election are against gay marriage. Do you think Scarlett’s aware of that? Do you think any young people are?

gargle gargle gargle

These young people will not necessarily have been interested in politics before, but they will be utterly convinced of one thing: Barack Obama is the man to lead our country.

Barack was the only candidate to oppose the war from the beginning, you know.

Did you know that Obama once saved 16 Venezuelan children. And he smokes cigarettes just like us!

I think he’s kinda hot. Don’t you?

Peer pressure from blondes also caused the volcanic eruption of Mount St. Helens. True story.

scarlett-johansson-supporting-obama1.jpg

he’s texting me right now you guys!!!

Obama is sparking comparisons to Reagan, and rightly so. The irony of this is that before Bill Clinton became a racist asshole, he was really Reagan-incarnate – a politician who appealed more to people on his charisma than actual merit. The thing is, everyone knows Bill is a skeezeball, where people actually trust Obama like they did Reagan. This is powerful political capital, and it ensures Obama will win the election. If we may be frank, it also excuses this kind of behavior:

Obama and his muse have also had a number of tete-a-tetes. “The most time I spent with him was the first time I met him, at a private event for supporters,” Johansson told Politico. “After that, it’s been a few minutes here, a few minutes there on the trail.”

What she can do in a few minutes would probably last us a lifetime.

While the Clintons enjoyed a long run of support in the Hollywood establishment, Johanson is part of a new generation, including Jessica Alba, Ryan Phillippe, and Taye Diggs, that infected with Obama fever.

Now that primary season is over, the actress plans to help with Obama’s fund-raising efforts, possibly appearing at private events – even attending a party at someone’s home, for example, if they donate enough money.

“Even I’m wary of celebrity endorsements,” Johansson said. But, she continued, “if the spotlight is on me, I might as well try to direct it on things and causes that I believe in.”

Taye Diggs? Skeptical. Chick in The Other Boleyn Girl? Vote Obama!

a glimpse of the glorious winehouse future that we could have had

Seventy-four percent of Democrats are excited about voting in 2008 as opposed to 49 percent of Republicans, and that less people are saying they are Republicans now than at any time in the last twenty years…we have entered our collective ScarJo Present. The recent retarded spate of ‘conservatism is dead’ articles aside, if anyone is going to kill conservatism, it’s going to be John McCain, not Barack Obama. And if anyone is going to kill Barack Obama, it’s going to be a bright shade of Scarlett.

“I am engaged … to Barack Obama,” Johansson joked in an interview with The Associated Press on Thursday. “My heart belongs to Barack, and that is who I am currently, finally, engaged to. Yes.”

The only celeb McCain can get to fug him is Robert Duvall.

080120-m-7747b-003_lowres.jpg

“next time let’s use protection.” there you go!

The thing you have to love about Scarlett is that she really enjoys being a symbol, as when posing like Cinderella for the new Disney ads. And her trip to the Gulf region on a USO tour truly hilariouses us all.

The 23-year-old said in the release that she has long received letters from U.S. servicemembers and looked forward to meeting with them and signing autographs during her tour.“This USO tour to the Gulf region truly means a lot,” she said in the release. “I’ve wanted to go over and visit for some time, and now my moment has arrived. It’s one thing to reply to a letter or extend your thanks to servicemembers in a speech, but it’s another thing to visit them and spend time with those that do so much for us back home.”

bebe buell is rolling over in her grave unless she is still alive

Johansson:

Favorite president?

Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Do you have any Latino ancestry?

Not that I know of.

080120-m-7747b-001_lowres.jpg

The 23-year-old actress talked about the warm welcome she received while visiting troops stationed in the Persian Gulf . Johansson dropped by U.S. bases in Kuwait on Jan. 17 and Jan. 18 as part of a USO tour in which she met about 3,500 men and women in uniform.

“Everybody that I met there was so incredibly friendly and polite and genuine and generous,” she said. “They were so, so sweet. I mean, I was just amazed.”

She was shocked that military soldiers were well-behaved. Great. It was nice of Scarlett to shake her ta-ta’s for our men in uniform, I will give her that. I hope she did the right thing and went all the the way with everyone.

Johansson said some people ripped patches off their jackets as gifts and handed her challenge coins from their military units. One Marine offered up his St. Christopher medal. Another starstruck guy gushed: “You made my whole deployment!”

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scarjo’s tramp stamp

I hope she spoke well of the troops to her pen pal:

Johansson is somewhat shocked that he keeps up their back-and-forth correspondence. “You’d imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly ‘on’ — how can he return these personal e-mails?” she asks. “But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated the minimum to thank them. Nobody sees it, nobody talks about it, but it’s incredible.” She adds, “I feel like I’m supporting someone, and having a personal dialogue with them, and it’s amazing.”

To quote Tim Allen, Barack, you’re only one man. Obama would be such a class wingman. Do I foresee a guest spot as Barney’s second black brother on How I Met Your Mother?

He has followed her career as well, telling her that his favorite performance was her turn in “Lost in Translation.” He’s a “huge movie lover” and “knows who every actor is,” she says.

As for her own involvement with his campaign, she’s pragmatic. “I approach my campaigning for Obama the same way I do my work for other social or environmental causes: I’m hoping to raise awareness,” she explains. “I’m not telling people who to vote for, and I don’t expect that if I did it would swing votes. At least, I hope not. What I want to do is raise awareness of Obama and his policies, and share my own story of how I became involved in his campaign. Perhaps, if they’re a fan, my story might entice them to learn or spark their interest some other way. If I can answer questions or direct people to a website where they can get more information, that’s how I can help.”

Other correspondences Barack may or may not be carrying on: Lisa Leslie, McLovin’, Margaret Thatcher, Jalen Rose, the latest Bachelorette, Thomas Sowell, Jerry Remy, the lead singer of OneRepublic, Subway Jared, and, of course, Larry David.

Barack has learned the most important lesson of being an international sex symbol: you have e-mail correspondences with pinups, you don’t date them. Love is so much more enjoyable when it’s electronic-only.

As far as the split in Hollywood between Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton supporters, Johansson says “it’s been a delicate situation” but, she adds, “of course, they’re going to vote Democrat.” (Johansson says she has met some conservatives in show business and a well-known comic actor who calls himself “a liberal Republican.” But she admits GOP supporters in Hollywood are “rare.”)

Ask Kurt Russell’s music career what happens to Republicans in the industry. Let’s face it, the remake of Escape from New York should have been huge.

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you’re so big!!!

We also have grave doubts about the directions of Scarlett’s career. Her last two films were unwatchable, and that’s without carnal knowledge of her recent album.

ScarJo’s Tom Waits cover album is the third most annoying thing we can imagine. The second worst thing would be if Britney discovered a Nick Drake fascination and re-recorded Pink Moon or something. The number one worst thing would be a dumb movie about a teenage pregnancy taking the world by storm.

TV on the Radio meets Tom Waits and Scarlett is the embodier. I am shaking right now. I don’t know what to do. And you see, that’s what she wants. She aims to create an apoplectic rage that you can no longer resist. You give yourself over to it. You vote for Obama. You make a Lil’ Wayne mixtape for a white person. You call your scarf a ‘bib’ when you are at restaurants. You start a tumblr. You begin to admire Brad Pitt, just a little. You wish everyone a happy Kwanzaa and then you chuckle. You tell everyone about your scrabble championship and link to it in your gchat away message. You eagerly await the release of the next U2 album, feeling that even if you don’t enjoy it, you should support Bono. You rent Deja Vu. In short, you have become this:

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording.

ONE POSSIBLE WAY TO REACH THESE KEEDS

“No One Knows I’m Gone” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

“Anywhere I Lay My Head” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

“I Don’t Want To Grow Up” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

“Town With No Cheer” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

“Who Are You” – Scarlett Johansson (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Celeb couples threaten us all.

Bawdier and bloodier than Beowulf.

You enter the next chamber.

fuck marry kill go

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12 thoughts on “In Which We Have Serious Questions About Whether We Will Be Able To Tolerate Her Any Longer

  1. i once gawked in awe at the sight of scarlett clinging to woody allen’s arm in pure, unabated smugness. and she kept smooshing her udders into his humerus. it was amazing.

  2. Is it just me, or is the titular ScarWai track actually a Phil Collins song?

    Sitek pulls another fast one!

  3. possibly the best post ever. it restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

    ps kill everyone but the lovely diane lane. anyone who inspired a bon jovi son gis alright by me.

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