Abortions Are Awesome
by Molly Lambert
Sarah Palin belongs to a group called Feminists For Life. Can you be pro-life and be a feminist? I don’t really think so, but I’m sure Palin-lover Danish will jump in to contradict me because he is a Men’s Rights activist. Sarah Palin got pregnant for the fifth time at age 45, found out the fetus had Down Syndrome, and still popped it out. Am I supposed to respect her for that? I don’t.
Muckraking bloggers have passed around stories alleging that Palin is not the mother of the Down Syndrome baby. The gossip is that the child is actually her daughter Bristol’s. Because the internet is a wild frontier for unsubstantiated rumors I am willing to give full credence to this claim.
1. She didn’t look pregnant during her nine months of pregnancy
2. She didn’t bring up the pregnancy in interviews.
3. Her daughter Bristol mysteriously disappeared from school with “mono” for a few months.
4. Betch is 45. Her eggs are not so fresh.
5. She flew from Dallas to Seattle to Alaska AFTER her water broke against doctors’ orders.
Sarah Palin with family, Bristol Palin in front. WHICH ONE LOOKS MORE PREGZ? I say the Juno from Juneau.
Now it is wholly plausible that being 45 is what made Palin’s baybay more likely to contract Down’s. I am not saying that being old gets you a retarded baby but it certainly doesn’t help. I think getting knocked up when you’re 45, a the peak of your career, and already have four children is more than slightly narcissistic. Now let’s take the conspiracy theory posited.
Basically what we’re looking at here is a Peggy Olson situation. Palin’s daughter Bristol gets pregnant, is deemed too young to deal with the responsibilities of having a child. The Mother won’t let her abort the baby or give it up for adoption and offers to raise the kid.
hmmm Bristol Palin sure looks natural holding that baybay
The best case scenario is Sarah Palin’s, where the mother can afford to farm out the extra care for a fifth child. Being governor of Alaska plus caring for a mentally disabled baby? See ladies, we really can have it all!
Bristol Palin (far right) is soooooo pregnant
“Palin, who has deeply-felt pro-life views, gave birth to her fifth child this week and the baby was diagnosed with the condition. On Tuesday, Palin confirmed her baby, named Trig Paxson, has Down syndrome.” TRIG PAXSON???
Cool feminist nose-piercing, person who is anti-abortion. Refuse To Choose??? I accept my right not to conform to traditional standards of female attractiveness in exchange for giving up the freedom to ever abort a child should I somehow become unintentionally pregnant. Suck my left one, liberal dykes!!!”
I am starting a riot grrrl band called Sarah Palin’s Retarded Baby. There, I just did it. Done. The lead singer is poet Jean Coleman doing some Patti Smith type rappin’ about lady rights and choosing to refuse to choose.
Wait, actually, I’m just gonna start a Bikini Kill cover band called Foetal Retraction. Dear Jean Coleman, I love you. You are the Tobi Vail to my Kathleen Hanna 4eva. Women need to be able to have access to abortions. Why? Because in a perfect world every child would be wanted and cared for and loved, but this world we actually live in is far from perfect.
“God I hate dykes.”
“I hate lesbians so much I could just…”
Women are punished enough as it is without forcing them to care for every zygote they accidentally implant. Condoms break, people do stupid things in the heat of sex, and Miley Cyrus already lost her v-card to Nick Jonas.
How stupid does John McCain think women are? I was sure he was going to go stealth and pick a hispanic dude. Picking a woman is just as dumb. This is like the exact meaning of tokenism.
The worst case scenario for a Peggy Olson situation is what happened to Casey Anthony. Pregnant as a teenager, her mother pressured her into keeping the child. Three years later the little kid, Caylee Anthony, is found dead in Casey’s trunk.
Nobody is automatically prepared to be a parent. Women aren’t all natural caregivers any more than men are. Some people are capable of empathy, and others just aren’t. Casey Anthony did not want to have a child and her mother Cindy made her. Who should go to court over this? Cindy, Casey, both, or neither?
“Police were alerted of the car by Anthony’s mother, Cindy Anthony. At that time, Cindy Anthony told authorities that it smelled as if there had been a dead body in the trunk.”
“There is nothing to find out,” Casey Anthony said. “There is absolutely nothing to find out. Not even what I told the detectives. I have no clue where Caylee is. If I knew where Caylee was, do you think that any of this would be happening? No.”
“How come everyone is saying that you are not upset and that you are not crying and you show no caring of where Caylee is at all” Kristina asked.
“Because I’m not here fucking crying every two seconds because I have to stay composed to talk to detectives, to make other phone calls and do other things,” Casey Anthony said. “I can’t sit here and be crying every two seconds like I want to — I can’t.”
Casey Anthony out “partying” after Caylee went missing
Now lets compare this back to Sarah Palin:
The oldest Palin kid, Track, is in the Army and texted his mother after learning the news with something to the effect of “This is just so cool — I finally got my brother.”
Many people will express sympathy, but you don’t want or need that, because Trig will be a joy. You will have to trust me on this.” She wrote it in the voice of and signed it as “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”
“Children are the most precious and promising ingredient in this mixed-up world you live in down there on Earth. Trig is no different, except he has one extra chromosome,” Palin wrote.
The risk of Down Syndrome in children for mothers Palin’s age is one in nineteen
Palin said she felt fine but had leaked amniotic fluid and also felt some contractions that seemed different from the false labor she had been having for months.
“I said I am going to stay for the day. I have a speech I was determined to give,” Palin said. She gave the luncheon keynote address for the energy conference.
Then she got on a plane in Dallas (flying while giving birth is not advised) and flew home to Alaska to have the kid at a hospital there. “Her decision to fly from TX to AK after her water broke was reckless to say the least and hardly in keeping with the philosophy that all life is sacred.”
Palin said she won’t take maternity leave but will go with Trig to doctor’s visits, physical therapy, whatever he needs. She’s breast feeding and plans to bring Trig to work with her, just as she did with Piper.
Palin’s five kids are Trig Paxson Van, siblings Track, 18, Bristol, 17, Willow, 13, and Piper, 7.
“Sarah Palin is a politician of eye-popping integrity.”
– Fox News Network
Translation: Sarah Palin is kind of hot for an old Republican lady. John Edwards would hit it. Also Sarah Palin hates polar bears.
The only plus side to all this really is that it will probably make for really good episodes of South Park and 30 Rock. But seriously, can we not overturn Roe v. Wade in the 21st century? Because I will just be bummed out, and the blog will suffer, and you don’t want that. You really don’t want that at all.
Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording.
THE INTERNET CLEARS IT UP, AS ALWAYS
“She is a point guard though, you have to respect that.”
“and Obama is like a 2, right? they should have paired up. the U.S. could have had the best executive backcourt in the world. all international negotations now replaced with real life NBA Jam scenarios.”
“I think Obama is a swing 2/3. he has game, but is one of those left handed guys who can only go to his left.”
“Yeah but that might be moot if the lady can slash.”
“I’ll bet John McCain is terrible at basketball, with that gimp arm and all.”
WHACKIEST ELECTION 4EVR!
“All You Got” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)
“Freedom” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)
“Not With You” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)
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