In Which Not Every Single Baby Needs To Get Born

Abortions Are Awesome

by Molly Lambert

Sarah Palin belongs to a group called Feminists For Life. Can you be pro-life and be a feminist? I don’t really think so, but I’m sure Palin-lover Danish will jump in to contradict me because he is a Men’s Rights activist. Sarah Palin got pregnant for the fifth time at age 45, found out the fetus had Down Syndrome, and still popped it out. Am I supposed to respect her for that? I don’t.

Muckraking bloggers have passed around stories alleging that Palin is not the mother of the Down Syndrome baby. The gossip is that the child is actually her daughter Bristol’s. Because the internet is a wild frontier for unsubstantiated rumors I am willing to give full credence to this claim.

The Evidence:

1. She didn’t look pregnant during her nine months of pregnancy
2. She didn’t bring up the pregnancy in interviews.
3. Her daughter Bristol mysteriously disappeared from school with “mono” for a few months.
4. Betch is 45. Her eggs are not so fresh.
5. She flew from Dallas to Seattle to Alaska AFTER her water broke against doctors’ orders.

Sarah Palin with family, Bristol Palin in front. WHICH ONE LOOKS MORE PREGZ? I say the Juno from Juneau.

Now it is wholly plausible that being 45 is what made Palin’s baybay more likely to contract Down’s. I am not saying that being old gets you a retarded baby but it certainly doesn’t help. I think getting knocked up when you’re 45, a the peak of your career, and already have four children is more than slightly narcissistic. Now let’s take the conspiracy theory posited.

Basically what we’re looking at here is a Peggy Olson situation. Palin’s daughter Bristol gets pregnant, is deemed too young to deal with the responsibilities of having a child. The Mother won’t let her abort the baby or give it up for adoption and offers to raise the kid.

hmmm Bristol Palin sure looks natural holding that baybay

The best case scenario is Sarah Palin’s, where the mother can afford to farm out the extra care for a fifth child. Being governor of Alaska plus caring for a mentally disabled baby? See ladies, we really can have it all!

Bristol Palin (far right) is soooooo pregnant

“Palin, who has deeply-felt pro-life views, gave birth to her fifth child this week and the baby was diagnosed with the condition. On Tuesday, Palin confirmed her baby, named Trig Paxson, has Down syndrome.” TRIG PAXSON???

Cool feminist nose-piercing, person who is anti-abortion. Refuse To Choose??? I accept my right not to conform to traditional standards of female attractiveness in exchange for giving up the freedom to ever abort a child should I somehow become unintentionally pregnant. Suck my left one, liberal dykes!!!

I am starting a riot grrrl band called Sarah Palin’s Retarded Baby. There, I just did it. Done. The lead singer is poet Jean Coleman doing some Patti Smith type rappin’ about lady rights and choosing to refuse to choose.

Wait, actually, I’m just gonna start a Bikini Kill cover band called Foetal Retraction. Dear Jean Coleman, I love you. You are the Tobi Vail to my Kathleen Hanna 4eva. Women need to be able to have access to abortions. Why? Because in a perfect world every child would be wanted and cared for and loved, but this world we actually live in is far from perfect.

“God I hate dykes.”
“Me too!
“I hate lesbians so much I could just…”
Scissor them?
“Yes!”

Women are punished enough as it is without forcing them to care for every zygote they accidentally implant. Condoms break, people do stupid things in the heat of sex, and Miley Cyrus already lost her v-card to Nick Jonas.

How stupid does John McCain think women are? I was sure he was going to go stealth and pick a hispanic dude. Picking a woman is just as dumb. This is like the exact meaning of tokenism.

The worst case scenario for a Peggy Olson situation is what happened to Casey Anthony. Pregnant as a teenager, her mother pressured her into keeping the child. Three years later the little kid, Caylee Anthony, is found dead in Casey’s trunk.

Nobody is automatically prepared to be a parent. Women aren’t all natural caregivers any more than men are. Some people are capable of empathy, and others just aren’t. Casey Anthony did not want to have a child and her mother Cindy made her. Who should go to court over this? Cindy, Casey, both, or neither?

“Police were alerted of the car by Anthony’s mother, Cindy Anthony. At that time, Cindy Anthony told authorities that it smelled as if there had been a dead body in the trunk.”

“There is nothing to find out,” Casey Anthony said. “There is absolutely nothing to find out. Not even what I told the detectives. I have no clue where Caylee is. If I knew where Caylee was, do you think that any of this would be happening? No.”

“How come everyone is saying that you are not upset and that you are not crying and you show no caring of where Caylee is at all” Kristina asked.

“Because I’m not here fucking crying every two seconds because I have to stay composed to talk to detectives, to make other phone calls and do other things,” Casey Anthony said. “I can’t sit here and be crying every two seconds like I want to — I can’t.”

Casey Anthony out “partying” after Caylee went missing

Now lets compare this back to Sarah Palin:

The oldest Palin kid, Track, is in the Army and texted his mother after learning the news with something to the effect of “This is just so cool — I finally got my brother.”

Many people will express sympathy, but you don’t want or need that, because Trig will be a joy. You will have to trust me on this.” She wrote it in the voice of and signed it as “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

Children are the most precious and promising ingredient in this mixed-up world you live in down there on Earth. Trig is no different, except he has one extra chromosome,” Palin wrote.

The risk of Down Syndrome in children for mothers Palin’s age is one in nineteen

Palin said she felt fine but had leaked amniotic fluid and also felt some contractions that seemed different from the false labor she had been having for months.

“I said I am going to stay for the day. I have a speech I was determined to give,” Palin said. She gave the luncheon keynote address for the energy conference.

Then she got on a plane in Dallas (flying while giving birth is not advised) and flew home to Alaska to have the kid at a hospital there. “Her decision to fly from TX to AK after her water broke was reckless to say the least and hardly in keeping with the philosophy that all life is sacred.”

Palin said she won’t take maternity leave but will go with Trig to doctor’s visits, physical therapy, whatever he needs. She’s breast feeding and plans to bring Trig to work with her, just as she did with Piper.

Palin’s five kids are Trig Paxson Van, siblings Track, 18, Bristol, 17, Willow, 13, and Piper, 7.

“Sarah Palin is a politician of eye-popping integrity.”
– Fox News Network

Translation: Sarah Palin is kind of hot for an old Republican lady. John Edwards would hit it. Also Sarah Palin hates polar bears.

The only plus side to all this really is that it will probably make for really good episodes of South Park and 30 Rock. But seriously, can we not overturn Roe v. Wade in the 21st century? Because I will just be bummed out, and the blog will suffer, and you don’t want that. You really don’t want that at all.

Molly Lambert is the managing editor of This Recording.

THE INTERNET CLEARS IT UP, AS ALWAYS

“She is a point guard though, you have to respect that.”

“and Obama is like a 2, right? they should have paired up. the U.S. could have had the best executive backcourt in the world. all international negotations now replaced with real life NBA Jam scenarios.”

“I think Obama is a swing 2/3. he has game, but is one of those left handed guys who can only go to his left.”

“Yeah but that might be moot if the lady can slash.”

“I’ll bet John McCain is terrible at basketball, with that gimp arm and all.”

WHACKIEST ELECTION 4EVR!

“All You Got” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)

“Freedom” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)

“Not With You” – Tegan and Sara (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING:

Danish Married Sarah Palin

Alex Murdered Sheryl Crow

Molly Managed Mad Men

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28 thoughts on “In Which Not Every Single Baby Needs To Get Born

  1. I found this very informative. I love how McCain thinks women are so dumb they’ll blindly vote for somebody who is opposed to them on every issue just because they have a vagina. Brilliant!

    =w=
    healthryder.blogspot.com

  2. Oh, that kooky maverick, John McCain. Nevermind the looming ethics problems that come with Sarah Palin and whatever’s going on with tryin get her former brother-in-law fired, I just read the rumor about her having her “daughter’s kid” yesterday and that kind of shit is creepy and exciting. More and more I’m thinking that Obama could sleepwalk and trip and fall into a victory.

    “She’s (Palin) going to learn national security at the foot of the master for the next four years, and most doctors think that he’ll be around at least that long,” — Charlie Black, one of John McCain’s top advisers.

  3. Palin is going to be the Tom Eagleton of the GOP.

    There are lingering doubts about the story she is telling about the birth of her latest child, who has Down’s Syndrome, and who was reportedly born a month prematurely. In reality, it wasn’t Palin herself who had that child, it was her 16 year old daughter.

    Palin didn’t announce that she was preggers to her staffers for several months even though nothing sells in politics, especially in winger land, like motherhood.

    Then eight months pregnant, she says, she flew to an energy conference in Texas, where, during the night, she started leaking amniotic fluid. Her water broke and even though she supposedly knew that the baby was going to have Down’s Syndrome, which also brings with it possible severe complications, she made the speech and then, after getting the okay to FLY FOR 12 HOURS BACK TO ALASKA despite the threat of sepsis, which could have killed both her and the child, she landed in Seattle, talked to the physician, who said it was okay for her to make her connecting flight back to Alaska.

    She arrived in Alaska and gave birth the next morning.

    Now my mother is a former pediatric nurse (retired in 2000 after about 30 years on the job) and she told me this story is “fishier than tuna” and finds it “unbelievable” that a physician would allow her to get back on a plane rather than urging her to immediately seek medical attention. At the very least, Palin acted negligently and my mother thinks that the physician did not tell her to get on that plane.

    Here is likely what really happened:

    At 4 a.m. Texas time, she gets a cellphone call that her daughter’s water had broken. Palin had to keep the story congruent with what was happening to her daughter, so she told everyone her water had broken when that was not the case. She called her daughter’s physician before she got on the plane and flew to Seattle and then called him again before flying on home. The daughter gave birth the next morning.

    Oh, I didn’t mention one thing: Palin’s daughter had been pulled out of school five months before she gave birth, ostensibly for “mono.” In a lot of neighborhoods in America, “mono” is a code word for “I got knocked up” or “I did some time in a correctional facility” among juveniles. How convenient.

    Palin had to maintain this charade because she didn’t want her Christian Right followers to know that her daughter had given birth out of wedlock and sinned. She has thus lied to the media and the American people and she will be greeted like Linda Smith (the murderer) by her evangelical following, who she also lied to, if she is found out.

    The selection of her by McCain also follows a pattern of behavior. He has always been highly impulsive, his native impatience marked by his refusal, for example, to read flight manuals while he was in the Navy. He was protected by his father, a big shot admiral, and could get away with it. He womanized like it was going out of style and crashed at least four airplanes (millions in taxpayer money, also making him a worse pilot turned pol than Bob Dornan) before he was shot down by the North Vietnamese. But even there, he was treated relatively gently compared to the treatment meted out to other and lesser known prisoners.

    His first wife saw him through his convalescence and then he jumped into an affair with his current wife. His impulsiveness raised its head again after meeting Palin just once before naming her his VP nominee.

    Once she is found out and forced to step down, that will make McCain’s presidential bid a Campaign to Nowhere. Neither of these two has the integrity to be the leader of the free world. And the above demonstrates that amply.

    As for the physician, who has backed up Palin’s story, there are one of either two motives at work here: one, he or the medical group he might be a part of didn’t want to lose a high powered client or possible further state business. It will be interesting to see if any Alaska state money ends up in this guy’s bank account for state-related things other than treating Palin.

    Secondly, he could want to be the next Bill Frist and run for office and Palin’s connections could help him a lot there.

    Whatever the case, both her and he are lying, I believe.

  4. Pingback: ON IT › Smashed
  5. Sarah Palin is a lovely, intelligent woman who is wholly deserving of the accolades she received. She did not hide her daughter’s pregnancy, and there’s nothing wrong with going through a pregnancy even if you know the child will be down syndrome. But more importantly she’s super hot and is going to be our next vice president. All politicians should be beauty queens. That is what we have learned from this.

  6. What’s that you say? Obama is a Muslim? Working directly for Osama? I thought that was just kooky chatter, but I guess you convinced me in this post it’s true….

  7. This was amazing. Always one to enjoy a good rumor, I am so down with this.

    I knew a kid when I was in junior high whose family told him that his real mother was his aunt. He had no idea and I only had access to the privileged information beause my brother was dating his mother. I always wanted to tell him the truth but never could. I sure hope he’s figured it all out by now.

  8. Whatever Molly. I’ve got way more babies than you, and having more babies is like having more money, more oil rigs, and more wedge heels — it means I win at life in general.

    Love,
    Sarah Palin

  9. I dont agree with her about abortion and I wouldnt vote Republican if I had a vote in the Us…
    BUT Boy her family looks Happy and Healthy don’t they? I think she looks KickArse, Fun and loaded with Charisma….whats not to like??

  10. Funny, when I read Orwell, I was very young. I did not believe that there really were people so daft as his sheep in real life. You have proven me wrong.

  11. This is the most disgusting, inhumane thing I have EVER read. That you would dare talk about humans like that makes me sick.
    Get your facts straight and have some respect. I cannot believe you even had the nerve to write this. Liberal, Conservative, Democrat, Republican, Feminist, whatever you are, this is just wrong.

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