In Which You’re In Her Talons Now And She’s Never Letting Go

Lindsay and Samantha

by Alex Carnevale

Lesbian relationships are better than heterosexual relationships. They are the most life-affirming, jealously inspiring, vagina-focused relationships two people can have. Sometimes it’s just fun to peek out the closet door.

Our love of celebrity couples notwithstanding, we can’t really decide what opinion to have on this spinning chasm of inertia and co-dependence known as the sexual and emotional intercourse of Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan. Since whatever opinion I have will be more made up than my “feelings” about Jenna Fischer, I will remain impartial, kinda like the way Lindsay and Samantha feel about dick.

Sometimes you just want to chug champagne and do coke privately in your million dollar apartment with your bff, and from that everlasting truth comes this picture of ‘Ye, Say and Sam that I see everytime I close my eyes.

Lindsay’s passion for her one and Ronly is obvious:

Later in the night Lohan grabbed one lensman’s camera and was overheard saying, “I want to show all these people how it feels, so I’m going to take their picture,” before going berserk with it.

Running from side to side of the DJ booth, Lohan snapped a few pictures of Ronson while she was spinning before turning the camera on the crowd. Guests seated next to the booth were the subjects of a particularly long series of pictures because Lohan thought, “they look the sketchiest.”

At 1am, when the party wrapped up, Lohan grabbed the microphone and declared, “She’s taken!” after everyone began yelling Ronson’s name. Security moved quick when the crowd of 1,200 partiers wasn’t leaving the venue. “Lindsay snapped a little bit, and said she needed to get out of there right away. The lights were on, everyone could easily see her and they were all trying to get a picture,” said one insider.

The ever-so ginger Lindsay and Sam once entered a Starbucks I was having a panic attack in. A hush fell over the crowd, and then I tried and failed to start a round of applause.

Most people have trouble meeting other people when they’re famous, and while there’s always John Mayer if you get really lonely, this trend is subsiding now that everyone is famous. Bob De Niro was yellling at some dude in the West Village the other day, and no one even stopped to look. They just twittered it and went on their way.

lindsay’s myspace blog

If you keep denying something and never make a big deal out of it, eventually it will go away. To be fair, the first, best indication that Lindsay was a ‘bian was her tumultuous relationship with Wilmer Valderrama. I’m too tired to look this up, but I’m ninety percent sure Wilmer is dating Kelly Osbourne or the Obama Girl right now.

has seth green ever not been murdered in Fuck Marry Kill?

Lindsay and Samantha fight a lot because Lindsay is very protective of Samantha and values her highly. (This is similar to my relationship with Lost.) It’s too bad Say can’t direct all those loyal feelings towards a concept like ‘dignity’ or at the very least to an organization like Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

To be fair, Lindsay is making steps. She’s entered the tumultuous debate over Sarah Palin’s daughter’s bb with the following entreaty:

I’ve been watching the news all morning, like everyone else – and i keep hearing about the issues related to ‘teen pregnancy’- It’s all related to Sarah Palin and her 17 year old unmarried pregnant daughter. Well, I think the real problem comes from the fact that we are taking the focus off of getting to know Sarah Palin and her political views, and what she can do to make our country a less destructive place. Its distracting from the real issues, the real everyday problems that this country experiences.

I am concerned with the fact that Sarah Palin brought the attention to her daughter’s pregnancy, rather than all world issues and what she believes she could possibly do to change them-if elected. I get Sarah Palin’s views against abortion, but i would much prefer to hear more about what she can do for our country rather than how her daughter is going to have a child no matter what.

This is unrelated, but did you know Raven-Symoné and Lindsay once shared an apartment? How did that not get adapted into a hit sitcom? Do you think they ever open-mouthed kissed? I’m not one of those people that finds lesbians extra-special erotic. I find them intriguing because they’re just like us.

Probably I am just jealous. Top five lesbians I would hit on successfully if I was also a sexy and discerning lesbian candy treat:

5. Ellen DeGeneres. I have wished this betch was str8 since With Friends Like These. I felt so betrayed. Every time she interviews former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas, I hope it ends in a chaste but delicious kiss. Seriously though, I was crying like a baby when Ellen came out, but for a much different reason. I really thought she and I were going to run a bed-and-breakfast in Star’s Hollow.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi wed this summer. We are always attracted to people that look like older, more butch versions of ourselves. Why do you think Paul McCartney was so into Heather Mills?

4. Bette on the L Word. Since I probably have a bette-r chance (see what I did there?) of getting with a fictional, lesbian version of Jennifer Beals than her actual str8 self, I’m going with Bette Porter. We both love art, and Marlee Matlin. How can this relationship not work out? Seventeen reasons why.

3. Barbara Jordan. As you saw in my recap of the ten best political speeches ever, Barbara Jordan and I almost fell in love and spent the rest of our lives with each other. There’s just something about a person who breaks down barriers. Do you have any idea how much ass Rosa Parks got?

2. Post-Taxi Driver era Jodie Foster. I have gone to the trouble of constructing an elaborate LTM (Lesbian Time Machine). This machine does the impossible – not only does it send you directly back to the time of your choice with Terminator rules, but it also tuns you into an attractive Elisha Cuthbert-esque lesbian. I would bring this marvelous invention to market, but I’d probably get sued by the RIAA.

1. Tina Fey. But for Tina’s butch “husband” Bob Tuna, I can’t help but feel she and I would already be together. Most likely it would end with me crying in bed for two days like when pocketnovel flew to New York to bang Peter Knox.

Alex Carnevale is the editor of This Recording. He is currently traveling back in time to get Joan of Arc’s digits.

IMPORTANT LESBIANS IN HINDSIGHT

My high school english teacher

Either Tegan or Sara

Gertrude Stein

Willa Cather

Tucker Carlson

The rest of the cast of With Friends Like These:

Patton Oswalt

Alice B. Toklas

Lily Tomlin

Topher Grace

Mary Poppins (she used that snow globe as a vibrator, duh)

Barbara Bush

Mary Magdalene

Golda Meir (probably)

ENJOY THE MUSIC OF THE ONE KNOWN AS RONSON

“Kiss Me (edit)” – Samantha Ronson (mp3) (mediafire)

“If It’s Gonna Rain” – Samantha Ronson (mp3) (mediafire)

“99 Problems (Sam Ronson remix)” – Jay-Z (mp3) (mediafire)

“Stop Me” – Mark Ronson (mp3)

“Valerie” – Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

how come I never get to have a three-way with the cast of One Tree Hill?

No Cunnilingus For Oil Men

Woody Allen Sequels

Selma Diamond, Tallulah Bankhead, & Mary Tyler Moore

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