In Which Sometimes It Takes Years

The 9 Year Old Pick-Up Artist

by Molly Lambert

“Are you in touch with your inner child? Would you like to be?”

Alec Greven, 9, charms Tiffany and Jessica at Langan’s restaurant in Midtown on his “How to Talk to Girls” book tour.

cm-capture-2

Chuck’s Note To Blair: I’m Sorry, I Can’t, Don’t Hate Me.

The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off, go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate – and be wary of “pretty girls.”

1-4

Bill Murray, Brooklyn Party Boy

“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.

This Guy Is An A Plus Example Of Peacocking

“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”

Fuck the slow blogging movement. Medium-fast blogging FTW!

He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”

And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love meeeeeeeeeee!

Over a few Shirley Temples yesterday at Langan’s on West 47 Street, Alec said that he culled his wisdom by peeking at his peers at play.

Brit Brit & Ellen: Baby I’m A Want You

“I saw a lot of boys that had trouble talking to girls,” Alec said. As for his how-to, he concedes, “I never expected people to buy it like a regular book in a bookstore.”

Aaron Rose has such unflattering chin pubes

But with classic plain-spoken advice – like “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats” – it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

Wallace Shawn is hawt. No really, think about it.

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple hi. “If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start,” he said.

Bob Dylan peacocking while executing a self-neg

As for his own love life, he said he is not dating anyone at the moment. “I’m a little too young,” he confessed.

Obama speechwriter Jon Favreau pitches Hillary an IOI

In his book, published by HarperCollins, he suggests holding off on falling in love until at least middle school. Dating – which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents – is for “kind of old” people, who are 15 or 16.

Ye Olde Consensual Rape Fantasye has been big in 2008

Alec – who just finished a children’s book on the Watergate scandal – said he wants to be a full-time writer when he grows up, with a weekend job in archaeology or paleontology.

I predict Jodorowskyian spiritual drug orgys for 2009

On having a crush:

“Many boys get crushes on girls. But it can be very hard to get a girl to like you. Sometimes it takes years! Whatever happens, just don’t act desperate. Girls don’t like desperate boys. So what do you do if you have a crush on a girl? You need to get her to like you. You can also show off a skill, like playing soccer or anything else you’re good at.”

mystery

GRADE SCHOOL TO BED, MIDDLE TO WED!

If you are in elementary school, try to get a girl to like you, not to love you. Wait until middle school to try to get her to love you. Otherwise, you have to hold on to her for a long time and that would be very hard. Tip: Most boys in elementary school can hold on to a girl for only 30 days.”

This was a really good episode, actually

On gifts: “It is also good to give gifts. They don’t have to be big. Try to find out what she likes before you give her something. You should go around to her friends to get ideas. And I wouldn’t do flowers and gifts until you are older, like in middle school, because it seems weird in elementary school. Unless you go to a school dance.”

Nene does not support this 9 year old’s fuckery

Greven does not support the “just be yourself” method of dating — he recommends copying someone cool — but let’s be honest: sometimes that method doesn’t work. He warns against passing love notes, as they tend to get intercepted; he’s mercifully still a few years away from discovering the horrors of drunk dialing (ed note: u mean txting).

K Stewart and R. Pattz always look so stoned on their press tour

He refers to winning a girl as “winning a victory” and urges the boy to refrain from celebrating in front of his new girlfriend, lest she disapprove of his happiness and dump him.

Molly Lambert is the Managing Editor of This Recording

He Got The Girl – Marine Girls: (mp3)

She’s A Girl – The Amps : (mp3)

It’s Different For Girls – Joe Jackson: (mp3)

Girl U Knock Me Out – The Gap Band: (mp3)

First Girl I Loved – The Incredible String Band: (mp3)

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Don’t Hate The Game, Hate The Players

How To Be Single

Lindsay And Samantha: A Love Story

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4 thoughts on “In Which Sometimes It Takes Years

  1. If you liked this book, you’ll like:

    1. Elmo’s Scratch ‘N Sniff book of STDs
    2. Is it Rape if He’s Eight?
    3. Fetal Body-Image Issues (and What You Should Know About Them)
    4. Life After Twelve

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