In Which He Who Makes A Beast of Himself Watching Lost Takes Away The Pain of Being a Man

The former vice president is back to recap last night’s Lost. Find his recap of the season so far here.

Lost & Found

by Dick Cheney

Lost

executive producers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof

Sun’s obsession with Benry Gale has reached critical mass. She’s going back to all his high school productions. He was great as Falstaff, but he sucked in The Iceman Cometh and that’s her favorite O’Neill.

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ben you were so mediocre in that production bro

I wonder how Jin will feel about Sun’s newfound disregard for Ben. At the very least you have to love a lawyer who wants Oceanic to suck it, and also holds meetings in parking lots. As it happens, I will be needing a lawyer soon, and you’d be surprised how few of those assholes still want to talk to me. A good lawyer is a must for an wrongdoer, especially one with facial hair that fugly.

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michael emerson auditioning for his role as the grizzly in Grizzly Man

Evangeline Lilly is also having flashbacks. Jack tells her that she can fix her problems, but really, he’s just leaving her for another blonde princess. The blondes always win on Lost, have you noticed that? Everyone else just gets nosebleeds, or gets their baby abducted, or gets involved in an unsatisfying relationship with an impotent physicist.

“and iiiiiiiieeeeeeiiiii will always love uuuuuuuuu”

It’s pretty obvious by now that Miles has been on the island before, and since there’s really no other explanation, we can assume he’s Marvin Candle’s son. Funny story:  I hired Marvin Candle briefly in the late 1970s to figure out a way to send me to the future and become vice president. Guy’s invaluable for that kind of shit.

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Pain is difficult, but it’s a fact of life. Daniel Faraday loves to sugarcoat things, but when the balls are in your mouth, you’re usually going to have to suck on them. “I needed that pain,” says John Locke, but that was before he knew they’d run out of Dharma beer. The entire cast is getting nosebleeds, and in this difficult economy, fake blood is at a premium. Let’s just hope they can get to the Orchid and John Locke can get the boner that moves the world.

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“i’m going to need to see if your vagina is also changing time periods”

The prayers we make aren’t always answered, as the Island Six quickly found out on their journey to the Orchid. Obama also discovered that sometimes in fact his shit does stink, as the inability of politicians to pay the taxes they charge us backfires again. I’d say I hope Tom Daschle rots in hell, but he already lives in South Dakota.

How does that guy find the time to run the country when he’s spending every waking minute talking to Katie Couric or Matt Lauer about how he’s disappointed in all his appointees for being morally bereft hypocrites who don’t pay taxes? He’s about three steps away from, “I feel your pain.” And you guys said having a president who liked The Wire would be fun….

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But onto more important matters. Aaron is Sawyer is the theory I am currently working with, and witnessing your own birth can be fairly dramatic. Observing your favorite betch covered in your own afterbirth is even worse. The only thing harder to get out of your mind is the image of Hugo Reyes in an orange jumpsuit.

don’t let her dress me in purple later on mommy!

No wonder she loves Sawyer — Kate’s always loved immature little boys as much as running from any kind of conflict.

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Then there’s this week’s return from the dead. We missed you, little Asian bro.

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I’m sure some asshole will complain that Rousseau doesn’t recognize Jin when she sees him later, but really, they’re missing the point. When the Others met the raft, and opened fire on Sawyer and Michael and Walt, Lost was one of the greatest serials ever to hit TV. Now it’s just a fun melange of characters we grew to love when they fought the Others that very first time.

The real reason that Rousseau died was because she didn’t want to travel to Hawaii to film her scenes. This strikes me as a very grave mistake. At least we know how most of Rousseau’s team perished — they contracted Asian bird flu from intercourse with Jin. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

From the episode “Solitary” in Season One:

DANIELLE: We were part of a science team.
SAYID: A science team armed with rifles? Was Robert on the team?
DANIELLE: Yes.
SAYID: And Alex, was he, too?
DANIELLE: Our vessel was 3 days out of Tahiti when our instruments malfunctioned. It was night, a storm, the sounds. The ship slammed into rocks, ran aground, the hull breached beyond repair. So, we made camp, dug out this temporary shelter. Temporary. Nearly 2 months we survived here, 2 months before —

Here’s what we know: French PhDs were floating out in the ocean, cut off from their expedition. But really, we don’t know when that happened. After Rousseau’s team crash landed in paradise, time slipped all the way to the shore. If you’re going to send a scientist to help Daniel Faraday fix things, why not send a pregnant one?

Once there she met Jin, and grew to love him and the firm feel of his impotent seed swirling atop her pregnant belly. But as strong as her love was, she still had difficulty telling him apart from other Asians. Something must part Jin and these French fellows, whether it be a stirring discussion of French imperialism or whatever.

what is asian is invisible to the eye

It is likely, more than likely, that the thing parting them is the time slips, but there is one other possibility – Ben. Ben must know how to move among the time streams. He must know that an Asian hostage taken in 1982 could pay off some years later, when Koreans regularly receive multibillion dollar settlements from airline companies. He is keeping the Korean for a reason, and Rousseau’s arrival on the island is no surprise to him.

“Jin’s alive,” Ben says in the preview for next week’s episode. “And I can prove it.”

Dick Cheney is the former vice president of the United States. You can find his recap of last week’s Lost here.

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“Where The Story Ends”  –  The Fray (mp3)

“Enough for Now” – The Fray (mp3)

“Happiness” – The Fray (mp3)

“Never Say Never” – The Fray (mp3)

03

PREVIOUSLY ON THIS RECORDING

Whatever happens in the end, I don’t want to lose you as my friend.

Our feelings about circumcision.

Rachael’s pet peeves.

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3 thoughts on “In Which He Who Makes A Beast of Himself Watching Lost Takes Away The Pain of Being a Man

  1. This recap was brilliant. I am enamored of the theory that Aaron and Sawyer are the same person. I’ve shared it with a number of people and it inevitably causes them to foam at the mouth.

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