In Which We Understand This Is Difficult Guys

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

Bottom line, I’m with my girlfriend because she’s overweight. Or at least, that’s how we met. I’m attracted to women of her shape and size, and so was immediately drawn to her for that reason. But of course, in the time we’ve been dating, I’ve fallen in love with her for many other reasons. When people ask us how we met, or what attracted us to one another at first, it’s awkward. I don’t want to lie, but I also feel like the truth is unacceptable. Please help.

Alan B.

Dear Alan,

Acceptable or not, the truth will always be set free. You, my friend, need own up to your personal tastes with finesse. Not the type of finesse where you find yourself resembling Matthew McConaughey pounding his chest in front of Leonard DiCaprio, hair perfectly coiffed. 

Your significant other might suspect something is up if she finds out you’ve been hiding. Women are intuitive and know when things are awry. A myriad of problems will arise if you continue to clench your secret, which will ultimately ruin your chances of her ever putting out in addition to other things. For example, she’ll stop crooning Natalie Imbruglia in your ear in her underwear. Your chances of her suggesting bottomless Sunday brunches are pretty much over.

You can’t mask your insecurities with more lies. The relationship you two have built over time is something to be proud of. Accept your love for larger women with grace and eloquence. If not, then it’s probably best to weep in the corner of a Barnes and Noble with a copy of The Surrendered by Chang-rae Lee.

Hi,

I started using Tinder last week and it was my first time using the app. All my buddies rave about it as being the best app to meet girls, so I went for it. I went on a few dates with this one girl, and she seemed distant and uninterested, but would end up being an exuberant person via text. I have no interest in seeing her for the next date that we planned. I’m being honest with myself and don’t see our relationship going anywhere. I want to express it to her in the most gentle way possible without being offensive. How should I approach this? Should I call her? The thing is, I don’t want to hear the sound of her voice.

Kenny C.

Dear Kenny,

You didn’t have a great time, yet you planned another date. What happened there? Did she insist upon it? Were you swayed by her superior texting skills? Did you just not want to let her down? If so, it might be worth exploring why you’re so intent on saving face.

It’s Tinder, for god’s sake. It’s not like you bumped into each other on the street and discovered you’d both been listening to the same Celine Dion hit, wondering if this could be the day you meet The One. No. You both used an app that allows people to hook up with one another based on their proximity and selfie skills. Don’t make this into more than it was.

At this point, you don’t owe her more than, “Thanks for meeting up with me last week, but I really don’t see this going anywhere. BFFs?” Chances are she’ll be like, “God I’m so glad I don’t have to waste my superior texting skills on you for another minute, peasant.” Poof. You’re free.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.

 

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