In Which Divorce Reminds Me Of My Jeep

Jacob’s Alimony

by DICK CHENEY

Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce
creator Marti Noxon

Abby McCarthy’s husband Jake, in the wake of their separation, has taken up with a blonde actress named Becca. She lives at the Chateau Marmont and wants his kids to stay with them there. “You’re a wonderful father,” the young mistress coos to him in the most exciting moments of Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce.

You can’t blame Jake (Paris Geller’s real-life husband Paul Adelstein) for opting out of his marriage. In the show’s premiere episode, his wife strongly suggests he close the door when he urinates, something no man should ever agree to do in the privacy of his own home.

personally I never smoke cigs named after scavenging animals but wtv

The real reason that Abby (Lisa Edelstein) and Jake’s marriage has fallen apart is the overly close, touchy-feely relationship she has with her homosexual brother. After considering a lesbian fling, she informs her brother that “I love dick too much” and they hold each other weirdly.

Jake is grossed out by this and a million other things that his wife does. She racistly informs him that because his mother is not Jewish, he is “not a full Jew.” When they meet with a mediator in lieu of a messy divorce, she suggests that she will want the kids every single Shabbat, which seems like a lot of work. She is also really unreasonable about his 24 year old blonde mistress.

The architecture of the greater Los Angeles-area can charitably be described as “dogshit”

Edelstein is believable as a mother and a disappointing wife. Even though she is a writer who works at home, her husband took care of the kids, probably because she shows only the most cursory interest in them and spends most of her free time hanging with her friends:

Abby with her friend Phoebe. If she was Phoebe Buffet this entire thing would have a lot more interest as a Friends prequel.

The only thing that is considerably out of the House veteran’s range as an actress is demonstrating any kind of sexual appeal whatsoever. The show outfits her in a variety of slimming outfits, all of which serve to make her look like she is about to attend a talk at her local Rotary. In the throes of passion her face looks as excited as a matzoh ball.

There is plenty of sex on Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce in order to cater to Bravo’s female and gay audience. None of it is terribly appealing – we mostly see a lot of huffing and puffing, and people looking exhausted and unhappy afterwards. Not one person on the show is in love.

unfortunately Janeane leaves the show after six episodes, which means so will I.

Since Edelstein can’t project any sex appeal whatsoever, this gig is left to Janeane Garofalo, who looks absolutely stunning. Garofalo’s red-haired ex-husband has been paying her alimony to a dominatrix, so she calls the police when she knows he is driving drunk. The kids look like this:


Watching this red-haired lothario do Janeane missionary-style before she called the police on him was enthralling, although I wanted to see more of both bodies. I think I am the only one who misses Garofalo’s liberal radio show on Air America. She actually laughed when people mentioned God like it was real.

It must be hard to make sexy time with someone even a little bit famous – wouldn’t you just think of their most famous roles? It must be hell to blow Jeff Bridges.

miss u Janeane. You should have been the Gone Girl

I guess on some level it is painful to see someone you spent two decades with moving on to another person. But Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce is not really about that – it is more concerned with how much of other people’s lives you have appropriated for your own. Because we are so much more in touch with the world around us, it is a lot easier to be let down by it.

In Los Angeles, it would seem, people wake up each day and pretend to agree with each other about every single thing for 8-10 hours. Then, they head home to post the actual feelings on their baby blog. Sometimes I feel I have only ever had one real emotion in my life. There is no word for it in English: it is a sort of disappointed eroticism tinged by grief.

Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.

“No Graceland” – Kierra Sheard (mp3)

“Go” – Kierra Sheard (mp3)

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