In Which We Build Up A Bit Of Steam

Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to justhardtosay@gmail.com or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.

Hi,

My girlfriend of a few months Vanessa is a very sweet-smelling person. She takes a lot of time and pride in her appearance and I for one think she looks fantastic.

Recently we have begun experimenting with a few new sexual positions, and I have noticed than I can detect a strong smell coming from that region.

It is difficult to know exactly what I am smelling, but it is troubling to continue to completion with the everpresent odor. Is there any way to tell her about this, or is sex like the puppies do pretty much not in my future?

Andy G.

Dear Andy,

Congratulations. A woman has permitted you to enter into the sphere of her intimacy. You must be very proud. Handling any noxious smell coming from your partner is a tricky business. If you rectify the situation, you are probably just making it easier for him or her to sex other people.

If you really want to fix this specific problem, you are going to have to get her to notice the smell. So encourage her to bring a strap-on into your love making, and prepare for life as a bottom. No, you don’t want to do that? Just maybe, neither does she.

 

Hi,

I met my boyfriend Lincoln two years ago through mutual friends. He is kind, caring and very attentive. We have a lot of fun when we are together.

A friend of Lincoln has encouraged him to get involved with his church. I saw nothing wrong with this but recently he encouraged Linc to attend a singles event so he could meet a fellow Christian. This surprised me, because even though I do not attend church on a weekly basis, I do consider myself a Christian.

I kind of blew up at Lincoln when I found out about this, which was maybe not the best move. Certain words were thrown around; I may have claimed to be a god. I don’t want to stop him from being involved in the church, but what if this kind of stuff keeps happening?

Adeline P.

Dear Adeline,

Complaining about Lincoln’s friend or dissing his new church is only going to start trouble. You need find out what the opiate of the masses is in this case, and give him a similar but different experience. Has he tried molly or cocaine?

A man needs something else in his life. For George Stephanopolous, it was his local salon. For Tony Hawk, it was his beautiful children. For Steve Jobs, it was being a total asshole to everyone he knew. Simply replace his faith in our Lord with a greater faith. I hear The Wire was just remastered in high definition. Also, that Tea Leoni show would convince anyone that there is no God.

Illustrations by Mia Nguyen. Access This Recording’s mobile site at thisrecording.wordpress.com.

“But It’s Hard To” – Tigers on Trains (mp3)

“Stalking My Pulse” – Tigers on Trains (mp3)

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