Hard to Say is This Recording’s weekly advice column. It will appear every Wednesday until the Earth perishes in a fiery blaze, or until North West turns 40. Get no-nonsense answers to all of your most pressing questions by writing to firstname.lastname@example.org or by dropping us a note at our tumblr.
I recently was dumped by my girlfriend of two years. While she was in med school, I was always there for her. She says that she has met someone in her school who she has really clicked with, and although nothing happened yet, she realized it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue the relationship when she is having doubts and feeling more attracted to someone else. She wants to take a break and reevaluate things in three months.
She also says that she doesn’t know how she is going to feel in the future. I was her first serious relationship, so I understand she might want to explore other options. At the same time I think about how good we are together and don’t understand her decision. I feel very crushed and can’t stop thinking about how I could have made this work. Am I wrong to think that some time apart could make her realize what we have?
There is only one possible way to regain a woman’s interest when you have lost it, and that is by dating a more impressive woman and flaunting it before her very eyes. This strategy has worked throughout history – remember when Rachel on Friends was jealous of that British girl Emily even though Em was a personality b-minus? Ross unwittingly woke a dragon.
You need to start showing this young female Doogie Howser that you have moved on extremely quickly and that women desire you. Post pics of your new relationship on every social media. If you cannot find a woman, hire someone to play a credible stand-in. This ruse will drive your ex crazy.
In addition, immediately after doing this, call up your ex and be like, “I met someone else. I’m sorry. What we had was great, but I’m too much of an alpha male to ever wait in the wings. My penis is shaped like a scimitar. Goodbye forever. I have had you, and now I move on to greener pastures.” Then stroke a small dog (a Yorkshire terrier named Kale, perhaps?) and enter a helicopter.
I’m actually trying to start my own advice blog and I was hoping you could give me a few tips to get an audience and how to be good at giving advice. I just want to help people and I think a blog is the right way to go.
1. Nobody wants advice; they just want to know they’re not alone.
2. Check a lot of self-help out of the library.
3. Get a therapist.
4. Listen especially to what the person is not saying.
5. Avoid whatever’s a truism, whatever’s trite, whatever’s tired.
6. What would you want to hear?
7. It helps to have an orgasm before you start writing.
8. As long as you make people feel understood, more will come.
9. “Start a blog” is the answer to more queries than you know.
10. The person asking is rarely right.
Illustrations by Mia Nguyen.