Springtime for Tyrion in Germany
by DICK CHENEY
Game of Thrones
creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss
There is this scene in Bluebeard where he’s casually drawing this detailed sketch of his kid, and his wife is like, why don’t you just draw like that all the time, instead of this abstract expressionist business? He says, “Because it’s just too fucking easy.”
I could go on and on about Cersei Lannister/Hillary Clinton concordance. I could tell you about the specific alterations to their facial structure that both women have achieved through extensive plastic surgery. But no one cares about the Lannisters anymore; Nikolaj Coster-Waldau looks like he is about to qualify for the early bird breakfast at Perkins, Tyrion’s down-on-his-luck act is the drizzling shits, and the only penis I saw during the return of HBO’s Game of Thrones was my own.
There is a huge difference between how we view the people who make things happen and people who have things happen to him. I wasn’t sure how much I could take of Cersei lounging around in her robes, drinking bad pinot noir and giving Margaery Tyrell stifling looks that remind me of how I once made eye contact with a fey German Shepherd I called Dry Bones.
The time of the Lannisters has come to an end. In their place is the Dragon Queen, who sadly did not use that all important off time between Thronesings to take acting classes. Emilia Clarke’s facial expressions consist of the following: consternation, awe and bad gas. Her sad underground visit to prove how even her closest dragons have abandoned her is meant to clear the deck for new friends: I understand she has hired a young, hot campaign director to sell her no-fighting pits platform to the people of Pentos.
Politics used to be the currency by which a Thronesing was properly judged, but now it’s just a matter of who has the largest war machine, and also who has that sexy beast Jon Snow on his side. Snow (Kit Harington) actually has improved his acting during these past few months. Instead of sounding like an elephant coughing, he has changed the lilt of his voice so that his accent is tolerably easy to understand.
Kit also never appeared in public, ensuring that no one would find out that the bastard of Winterfell is 5’2″ in socks. Hopefully he and Suki Waterhouse can get together in Costa Rica when this show wraps up in 2026.
Unfortunately J. Snow has adopted that annoying George Clooney affectation where he is always looking up at people through his brow. Snow’s affection for Mance Rayder was also weak balls, and the sound of the arrow into Mance’s heart was roughly synchronized with David Benioff and D.B. Weiss throwing the utter pablum that is A Feast for Crows into the garbage.
It was time to move on and rewrite this into something better. Sure the psychic scene in flashback makes no sense whatsover, but at least we can begin mulling over possible casting choices for Lyanna Stark. (Rumer Willis? Grimes? If she can be black, Angela Bassett?)
We’ve received solid word that there will be no Bran in this already cursed season. To HBO’s consternation, episodes of the show leaked to the internet from review copies. (Unfortunately they were in standard definition and thus useless for masturbation.) Sure Bran sucked, but he did have a really nice, woodsy smell. That handicapped son-of-a-b always was redolent of pine, peanut shells and B.O.
It is hard to know which deceased characters the show will really start to miss. Ending the intra-Lannister feuds takes something away for sure. With the entire Iron Islands storyline being shuttled to the GoT spinoff entitled I’m Reek, we have so much more time to spend with Samwell Tarly, a thinspiration to the romantic chances of overweight teens everywhere.
I have written a GoT/50 Shades crossover where Samwell demands that Gilly stay in a separate bedroom and reveals to her that he is a dominate. His costume will be that of the hamburglar.
I’m getting to my point. One thing that Game of Thrones had in all the little corners of Westeros was a magnificent penchant for disguise. Certain invididuals were more talented than others at seeing things as they are. By uncovering deception, they kept themselves alive in a difficult world. Now it seems only Arya can walk in dangerous places without fear, and the rest might as well be wearing a big target that says ‘Kill me.’ We demand mystery in all things; even in our leaders. Also we need them to be a smidge over 5’2″.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.
“Last Light” – Zero 7 ft. Jose Gonzalez (mp3)
“Crush Tape” – Zero 7 (mp3)