Sex in the Final Hour
by DICK CHENEY
I have been to a lot of weddings. When I think back on my favorite ones, I remember Jeb Bush tonguing Eliot Weinberger’s balls after a chorus of “Feliz Navidad” and Donald Rumsfeld smashing a juicebox on a woman’s face when she called him “Little Terminator.” If I ever get married again, I am not serving alcohol at my wedding, because it only encourages people to think that they should be the center of attention. I have that honor.
Tommen getting married and consummating his nuptials with a vaguely unwilling bride has already been thematically superseded by Amy Schumer’s Friday Night Lights parody. Tommen seems a little childish for his age; also I’m not sure why Maegary couldn’t just use a condom.
I actually give Tommen a lot of credit. A lot of men can’t perform in the final hour. I once tried to reach orgasm during the series finale of M.A.S.H. and all that came out was a mixture of semen, tears and ground-up Fruit Loops.
Margaery couldn’t have ended up with a finer product of incest to be a product of whatever she has planned for him. I’m guessing it involves lipstick, a pig and her brother’s bloated member.
There’s no shame in birth control. The tradition of a nice condom on your wedding night was brought to Western civilization by the Chinese nobleman Jang Wao. Unfortunately, Game of Thrones has a strict no Asians policy. Even if they did cast someone of that ethnicity, it would likely be the guy from Lost and he would be eaten by Drogon within mere minutes.
Watching Tyrion get kidnapped into yet another Odd Couple situation caused me to roll my eyes at length. “I’m bringing you to the Queen,” Mormont bleated. At this point Cersei would probably welcome Tyrion with open arms. But now, we have to have him advise Queen of the Dragons/Sarah Connor about the right table settings for state dinners.
Reunite the Lannisters! I hope that Cersei throws a hot bang at that cute Dr. Frankenstein wannabe. Maybe he could turn Tommen into a man or something like one.
Jonathan Pryce at least brings more intrigue to the character of the High Sparrow, since you know for sure he will never display a penis, even as a show of charity to a homeless woman on the streets of King’s Landing. At least he makes a useful foil to Cersei, because the hammy, overplayed shit between Margaery and Cersei is getting on my nerves. There is no world where Cersei Lannister would not automatically destroy anyone who criticized her day-drinking.
Cersei’s wedding must have been quite the night. If I recall correctly Robert Baratheon drank himself into a distinct amalgam of gas and human being from all the kegs and hot peppers he consumed. Twyin Lannister really did not like his daughter in hindsight. It’s a shame she won’t be present for the ultimate GoT nuptials: the happy union of Sansa Stark and Ramsey Snow.
Arya’s goodbye to Needle was perhaps the only moving part of this episode. I have had enough of her weirdly washing bodies and learning how she doesn’t need her name anymore. This is basically Going Clear all over again. I need to focus on the positive things: a wedding between two people who basically no one else would ever be interested in.
Here are some useful wedding tips for the ginger bride and her Winterfell psycho:
1. Whenever you move quickly in your wedding gown, you have to breathlessly hrter swish and sneak a humorous look at Roose Bolton.
2. Jam on everything: jam on chicken, jam on your bannermen, jam on toast, jam on Littlefinger’s tiny Mr. Finger, jam on your eunuch’s blank parts and jam on you.
3. All the bridesmaids must shout in unison, “Y’all know nothing Ramsay Snow jk!”
4. After the ceremony but before the reception, sneak in a hot sob in the underground cemetery where you recall how your dad’s sister was not too into Robert Baratheon either, and wasn’t there a storyline that kind of fell by the wayside about one of his illegitimate children?
5. At the moment of consummation, scream out for Brienne’s aid, and then when she arrives, take it back and subtly suggest she killed Renly Baratheon.
6. Invite Lady Stoneheart (R.I.P.)
7. If a small shitling formerely known as Theon Greyjoy starts badmouthing the new love of your life, threaten to cut even more of his scenes from A Feast for Crows.
8. If you watch enough episodes of Bates Motel, maybe you’ll forget how bad this season is so far.
Dick Cheney is the senior contributor to This Recording.
“Love Your Loved Ones” – Nicki Bluhm & the Gramblers (mp3)
“Heart Gets Tough” – Nicki Bluhm & the Gramblers (mp3)